Postcards from the Edge

FFT

2012-01-01T17:07:00.001-05:00

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

- C.S. Lewis

Advent musing

2011-12-24T12:38:00.003-05:00

If was I really, really smart, then I would have deliberately journeyed through a proper Advent exercise. Which I failed to do again, this year (thank goodness that God is so gracious and forgiving!).
However, on the cusp of yet another Christmas Day, there is a mix of feelings about it. I think (though it's a completely artificial separation) that there are separate feelings between the secular and the sacred this time around. Certainly, due to the circumstances, the secular has taken particular predominance over the past two weeks, and though there has been much merit - in anticipation, in joy and contentment there, it makes me wonder how that has (or has not) transferred over to the sacred side of things.
Do I look with wonder and anticipation of the birth of Christ? Am I joyful and content at His promised coming? Am I more concerned about the gatherings, and the family, and the food, than I am over our humble, bastardized, refugee Arab Christ-King? Even now, would I know Him? Would I recognize Him in His lowly estate and bow to worship Him? Would I even obey the angel to hasten to the manger? Would I even want to muddy my party shoes to step inside to look at the Babe?
I think some of these questions probe at deeper aspects of my faith and devotion. What, exactly, am I devoted to? Am I devoted to the holiday? To the idea of the holiday? (For we know, of course, that Jesus was more likely born in the springtime, and that December 25th is simply a Roman machination to stamp out pagan festivals) How does one measure the amount of ardour and devotion to the Christ-King if one is not particularly interested in Christmas? Should I even be interested or concerned about the supposed sacred aspects of Christmas at all?
I'm not sure. Indeed, I love the dark, crisp nights, the hot chocolate, the eating together, the carols, the lights - the whole shebang. However, it makes me question how much I love the reason for the season, rather than the season itself...

Needing a good editor...

2011-12-11T13:27:00.004-05:00

What is one of the interesting mental tug-of-wars that I have with myself is the meta-meaning of narrative. (Yup, that's the kind of stuff I think about). What I mean is this: In the work that I do, evidence, science, data - these are the things by which decision trees, management guidelines and the like are created. Clinically, in many ways, it doesn't matter about the 'lived experience' as much as the 5-yr survival curve, the PPV, the percentages of side effects, the timeline of prognosis. All very numeric, qualitative and statistically significant.
Not to say it's not important: It is. It's critically important in making key decisions and deciding how to proceed with disease management.
However, the other end of the spectrum is how personally important the post-modern sense of narrative is to draw meaning. Our bodies may be made of amino acids and molecules, but our lives are constructed of stories. And stories hold great power in describing meaning.
At any rate, it basically comes down to: stories are how our lives are made. Stories are how we transmit who we are to others. That amazes me, really. It amazes me in considering how, in many ways, it is the stories that are the critical touchstones to help decision making.
I think I'm blathering a bit, but it is still quite something... this is definitely not well-written as a story, that's for sure...

Sounding the foghorn through the gloom....

2011-12-01T22:04:00.001-05:00

Still here, but still foggy, so haven't had much to think about or say. Will try to be interesting soon.

Grace through suffering

2011-11-12T07:42:00.004-05:00

I notice that quite a few of my posts are things that I've observed, and learned, from patients. I remember being told when I was a student that one of the beauties of practice is the ability to develop these long-term relationships with people.
Recently, a friend made me question just how funny/humourous I was anymore. I remember being funny once, and I'd like to think that I still am, but ever since then, I've been watching and waiting to see if any of my patients will do anything hilarious. Which they don't. It's too bad, as I now think my job inherently has the capability to swallow and hold a whole lot of suffering (as noted by the last essay that I had posted), and though there is much joy in walking alongside patients through their valleys, it's not exactly laughsville.
One patient re-taught me a lesson that I think is easy to forget. This patient has a spouse (who is also my patient) who is dying, slowly, ever so excruciatingly slowly, and so very young. They have a tiny child at home, and in the course of dying, which will likely take years, the disease will gradually take their mind and their body. In fact, it already has, and the increasing lack of control over their emotions, their rationality, their paranoia, and the volume and tone of their voice is taking a toll on the well spouse, trying to ask them to shush in front of the toddler, trying to get them to calm down to not scare the child. In the days where they are more lucid, they can actually have a conversation, but mostly, day after day, my patient arrives home from work to a barrage of baseless accusations, and screaming, and a great dread of coming home to their spouse. My patient hasn't really told many people at work; it'd be too hard for them to understand exactly what this dying process is like. They also have no other family; it is just the three of them. So, they spend their days, going to work, coming home, caring for the child, dealing with the spouse, and then collapsing, exhausted until it starts again. They dread the weekends. There is no one else to take the child for weekends, no siblings, parents, cousins, aunts who can share the burden of care. It is a situation that leaves me worrying for this patient, how they will make it through the next few years without being broken and burnt out.
And yet, they are still able to teach me lessons. They pointed out, how it has made them appreciate that, when interacting with others, that they don't really know the depths of suffering or sadness that the other may be dealing with, in the dark, in the private spaces, and has helped them demonstrate, shall we call it "grace"? to others and treat them gently. And that, I found stunning. That even in this hellish home, ravaged by this illness, my patient can still find grace for others. I don't think they would call it that, I don't think that they would even recognize the word, but, despite all their suffering, it is humbling for me to be reminded of their ability to remember that others may also be walking similar paths...

Need to rant on a few pet peeves

2011-11-07T19:37:00.003-05:00

I've realized there are two things that bother me a lot: Tardiness and ambiguity.
Tardiness: I think it has to do with a "let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'" business, or I'm just an incredibly uptight, anal-retentive Westerner that is more concerned about the clock than the time, but, I think because I tend to be on time (or early) to a fault, it irks me all the more. I think if someone tells you that they will be at X by such-and-such a time, and then are consistently late, it only communicates (to me) that my time is less valuable than theirs. It, in fact, makes me feel that they don't value my life and ways that I use it.
Ambiguity: See above. I think being unsure and wary of people's motivations or inclinations becomes exhausting. I wish people were a little bit more up front about how they really felt about things, or would not try to be nice for the sake of harmony.
That's it. Just needed to rant a bit.

One year later

2011-10-30T08:04:00.004-04:00

It's already been about a year ago now that the global Church came together and discussed, debated and deliberated about critical issues of our day. I can't believe it's been that long already. Certainly, we've gotten emails, FB posts and twitter feeds reminding us of where we've come from and where we are at today. Certainly, it is equally amazing (some movements of God around the world, including the Arab Spring, have been awe-inspiring), and equally tragic (several delegates present in South Africa have subsequently been martyred) as to what happens in a year. Incidentally, in larger society, many other things have also occurred - a quirky example of that was how the world was apparently supposed to end -twice!- over the past year.
It's a funny place to look back. I think, had I known that this is where I'd be at this point, I think I would have been incredibly reluctant to go. I think I would not have been totally thrilled with the description, in the mindset that I was in, of what I'd be doing, thinking, feeling, being by this point.
On the other hand, having had to go through it anyways, it's been stretching. I think the enlargement of the territory that God has demonstrated His sovereignty over, despite my biases and prejudices, has been good. I think it's still a journey of watching how my biases limit God. I think it's been good to be with people, that likely with all the brainwashing, that even a few years ago I would have been uncomfortable sitting in the same room with. I think it has been good to be reminded, and not just to 'talk' about it theoretically, but to actually 'be', with the many of those who will be called to the wedding banquet table, when those who were "expected" to be there will disinvite themselves, or be cast out. I think it's been good to remember to try to stay humble, to poke at my blindspots, to remind myself that I am not God and I am not the only one privy to His thoughts. I am thankful for those who have been walking with me along the journey, for those who have walked partway along the way, for those who stand by the roadside and point out directions, for the 'innkeepers' who have invited me in for refreshment, for those journeymen and women who have been joining the path this past year. It is good to be reminded that His people are all over and they are more and do more than I could ask or imagine...

FFT

2011-10-22T10:14:00.002-04:00

Vicarious Wounds

"Maybe no one had thought of it," he said. "Or maybe they had, but didn't want to say it. Whatever the reason, no one warned me about the pain medicine inflicts." he reflected.
It had crept up on him over time, this sadness. The product of his compassion; this despondency oppressed his every day.
"I thought I'd save lives and help people; that I'd feel great about my work," he lamented.
Instead, his patients' sadness, their despair, their suffering and their remorse lived within him. Concentrated in his soul. Poisoned his spirit.
Empathy can be a double-edged sword.
"Talk to someone, they say..." he snickered with irony.
"Useless solution," he answered himself with disdain.
"How can anyone understand what I feel?" he cried.
"Can you really describe to anyone the silence in the room, as a woman, exhausted, pushes to deliver what she knows is a dead baby? Or the sorrow in her eyes when she sees his macerated skin? How do I convey the apprehension I felt when I closed the door after I wheeled a toddler into a fridge for the night? Will anyone stay awake like I did, thinking of his mother imagining her baby; alone, cold and in the dark, without his blankie? How do you describe your shock, at the unnatural coldness of a body at autopsy? Can anyone even imagine trying to work, distracted by visions of your own child, cut from neck to pubis under the glare of police flashes? Can you imagine my unease, knowing that beneath that pretty dress, her organs are unceremoniously stuffed inside a garbage bag and hidden in her chest; sewn with cotton string? Can someone really feel the gruesome shock I felt when I took off the stiff collar on that little boy whose broken neck gave way under the weight of his head, spilling a mouthful of blood onto my shoes?"
So much resentment. So much grief. A litany of examples. I listened.
"That's not what I signed up," he whispered, pressing his hands to his temples, as if to prevent his head from bursting.
"Can anyone understand the dryness of my mouth the first time I had to tell someone their husband had died? Can someone ever be as nauseous as I am every time I hear the music that played in that child's room the evening he died? Can anybody understand what it means to be unable to erase the skeletal face of the boy I watched take two agonizing weeks to die after we stopped his fluids? And what would that mother say, serene in her gift of vision, if she saw how corneas are actually harvested? Shame on me for jumping on the learning experience!"
I didn't tell him, but he was sharing. Finally, after years of amassing pain, he was sharing; paving the way to his own recovery.
Medicine provides a privileged glimpse into the most tragic hours of humanity. Quietly, stealthily, we accumulate hundreds of lives' worth of sorrow into our own; seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling death like no other. Indeed, no one can understand or experience death like we do.
Perhaps, it is the pound of flesh we owe for the privilege of sharing a father's joy as he cuts his newborn's umbilical cord.
Perhaps it is the price of the tearful gratitude of the mother whose child you resuscitated.
Perhaps it is what we must bear in exchange for the satisfaction of having relieved an old man's pain.
Vicariously, we suffer. But perhaps, just perhaps, it is what distinguishes the healers from the doctors.

-Dr. Steven Bellemare

I could make a bad pun here

2011-10-10T20:22:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling fuzzy in the head for months now, and the clarity that is usually there is slightly out of focus. It's been a bit annoying.
Part of it is bias and experience, of course, contributed by the last few months. Usually, being able to see Kingdom with a clear eye and being able to declare it is supposed to be my gifting. That being said, the gifting is kind of not a big deal. People of our sort are simply saying what is true, what has been said before, and what people will continue to ignore. That's it.
I sometimes kind of wish it would be the determining the lottery numbers kind of thing instead. Then, I imagine, I would gradually win, over and over again, and give it all away to people in need and that's what I would do for a living. On the other hand, like most people, perhaps a feeling of avarice, fear and selfishness would take over and I'd buy ten iPads or something.
At any rate, I had to confess to a few people that I haven't been able to see as clearly for the last little while. Understandable. It's been distracting, maddening and heart-breaking all at the same time for the last little while. And, rarely are there baskets of figs, valleys of dry bones or overturned pots to look at. Sigh.

Epicness

2011-10-02T22:04:00.003-04:00

Honestly, I don't think it would necessarily rate as 'epic' if it wasn't for all the ways that God showed His face, but 'epic' is what I will call this weekend. I'm tired as heck, but I think it has been well worthwhile.
One thing I realize is that, as a quote from CS Lewis, "The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are"... and I realize the more that I try to keep certain linkages, the more unwise I am being, and it brings up exasperation and prophetic despair at how terrible those linkages are, like chains that drag you deeper into the abyss, rather than freeing God to work....
At any rate, spent a good chunk of Saturday with a diverse group of Christians, all working to demonstrate the full gospel (like, really, the full gospel, not the 'four spiritual laws', not 'atonement theory', not 'justification'), in word and deed, here to those that we would generally not associate (or 'be') with. To struggle to figure out how we can speak to the Church about getting out of an 'us/them', serve the poor mentality, but to something greater than this. To see how God has worked in so many different nations, to see the world reflected in the faces around the room, for us to share our giftings in being strategic for the Kingdom - exciting! God demonstrated His face in the faces all around me.
To see a good friend do a kick-ass job at guiding us through prophetic visions of Isaiah, and having even myself gleaning more out of passages that I thought I was quite familiar with - that was exciting to watch her discipling and teaching us and truly being released to use her gifting to bless the Church! God working through her to demonstrate His voice and calling on our lives!
Wandered through Nuit Blanche, and totally blissed out by the creativity that this city holds. How much artists demonstrate and envision for us what our city could be, weaving dreams and potentials, if only we would see them.... God demonstrating the extent of His gift of creativity, of His gift of transformation and vision!
Worshipping alongside a very old friend (a kindergarten friend!), and then having lunch with a pastor, who wanted to know about how I saw how evangelism and mission could be transformed in the church today to make radical inroads into society.
Headed to the Slow Food Picnic, and reconnected with chefs and farmers that I had not seen for a while - it was good to talk about collaboration, and transformation and advocacy with them. It was exciting to develop new relationships with chefs that I totally admire for their vision and passion about making food an issue about justice, and talking about how justice drives what we do. To see how God works here, even if they themselves cannot name Him, at least not yet.
Headed to a international health and politics dinner, filled with frigging brilliant minds who are all visioning for a better world. Sat down with one guy, and we talked about God. He wondered what was up with all these missionaries coming to the developing world, and what was up with them. Explained both the incredibly bad way that we 'do' missions and the attitudes that we bring, and explained why, a lot of the time, this doesn't jive with the God who loves us through our brokenness, to the God who transforms the human heart, to the God who loves the littlest, the least, the last and the lost, to the Jesus-God-man who broke through and calls us to following Him into the Kingdom. Explained our issues in the Church, our very-hard-to-see motivations, and completely transformed his viewpoint of Christianity. Had spent much time overseas working and, with all of his encounters with Christian missionaries, had never had the gospel explained to him like that. Had never seen what we should be (though fail a lot at) like, and could see how God could work in the world in this way. Transformed his mind, though not his heart, and can only pray for him to reconsider Christ. That so blessed me out. God is here. Emmanuel. Praise be to Him through whom the whole world holds together, waiting with baited breath for His full glory...

FFT

2011-09-18T20:13:00.000-04:00

‎I think it's important to be able to laugh at oneself, but I also think it's important to not be armed with an overwhelming amount of material.
- Vic Lee

Tourist in 'yer own city

2011-09-01T22:15:00.003-04:00

It's funny how you can live in a place almost your entire life, and know it only partly.
This week has been funny in how many places I've been that I have rarely, or never been to before, in my life. I made it out to the Beach, which I have been to probably once or twice before, and walked a bit on the Boardwalk. I'm sure I've been there before, and I have been 'around' the Beach area, in other neighbourhoods a lot, like Leslieville, but that was novel. In a way. I realized some of the reasons that I'd rarely been was because many of the same shops and services out there are pretty similar to what I grew up with, and friends I knew from the Beach growing up would meet me half-way, downtown, at the Eaton Centre.
I also managed to get all real urban hipster by finally getting to Nuit Regular's restaurant and catching a show a Yuk Yuk's, other things that I had, for whatever reason, also never been to.
Whoo. You'd think I was becoming a tourist in my own town at this rate... :P

Harry Potter and the smack upside the head

2011-08-21T17:16:00.003-04:00

I know I keep mentioning that I'm over a decade late to the party, but I finally tore through the entire Harry Potter series - it's awfully helpful if you have a bunch of semi-busy ER shifts all together, nearby a friend's farm who happens to own the whole series. So ripped right through them, even Order of the Phoenix, as honestly folks, it's a children's series. Not too hard to read.
So? Was I scandalized (as was the evangelical church was) with the sorcery and witchcraft, worried that children all over the place would get the Imperius curse upon them, and follow the dark lord? Did I think it was the best cultural phenomenon of this century?
Um, no and no. To be honest, I found the writing poorly done; as one critic put it, "There is no adverb that JK Rowling doesn't like." The quality of the writing headed further downhill the further into the series one went. That's understandable; there was an enormous amount of pressure to keep pounding out those tomes as quickly as possible.
In addition, Harry's annoying. Yes, I know he's an adolescent, and certainly he acts like one. Yes, I know he lost his parents when he was a baby and was raised in a semi-abusive home. But in comparison to all of his other friends (Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna and the rest), he's a smug, stupid boy with an attitude. Snape is right in his assessment of the boy, and really, at some point, Dumbledore should've smacked him upside the head.
I've kind of characterized it as Danielle Steele or John Grisham for children; massively popular on a societal scale, not incredibly challenging reading, definitely has a plot that keeps moving and one interested in what's going on, but definitely not classic, nor grand, literature. Sorry, folks, I know Harry has a rabid fan base, but this is not Tolkien, Dickens, L'engel, Alcott nor Hodgson Burnett.

FFT

2011-08-08T21:38:00.002-04:00

The Garden

Ol' man Simon, planted a diamond.
Grew hisself a garden the likes of none.
Sprouts all grown', comin' up glowin',
Fruit of jewels all shinin' in the sun.
Colors of the rainbow,
See the sun and rain grow
Sapphires and rubies on ivory vines,
Grapes of jade, just ripenin' in the shade, just
Ready for the squeezin' into green jade wine.
Pure gold corn there,
Blowin' in the warm air,
Ol' crow nibblin' on the amnythyst seeds.
In between the diamonds, ol' man Simon
Crawls about pullin' out platinum weeds.
Pink pearl berries,
All you can carry,
Put 'em in a bushel and
Haul 'em into town.
Up in the tree there's
Opal nuts and gold pears -
Hurry quick, grab a stick
And shake some down.
Take a silver tater,
Emerald tomater,
Fresh plump coral melons
Hangin' in reach.
Ol' man Simon,
Diggin' in his diamonds,
Stops and rests and dreams about
One...real...peach.

Flesh is made of fibres...

2011-07-27T15:14:00.002-04:00

What strikes me, every once in a while, is the generally sad state of marriage. I mean, I do marriage counseling routinely as part of my practice, that's pretty par for the course. That alone is enough to make people really skeptical about the potential beauty and utility of a good, solid marriage. The craziness that goes on in the privacy of people's homes sometimes downright amazes me.
However, I rationalize, those are PATIENTS - they're coming to see me because their lives are so nuts and they hope that I am able to apply some healing balm to the brokenness of their homes. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes there's a lot of debris left over afterwards, in the form of children, finances, homes, relationship, all broken. And for those that survive the shock and trauma, sometimes the scars and wounds that are left run deep, even if, for all intents and purposes, the 'face' of the household looks like it's back together. Sometimes those scars continue to dog the marriage long after they've decided to keep at it.
What breaks my heart even more is when friends tell me, in confidence, of the state of their marriages. I've noticed it tends to be Christian men who are more honest to me about the state of their marriages. I'm not entirely sure if, for women, there's too much at stake, that they've invested too much in being the princess to their Prince Charming that they cannot admit (and certainly not to a woman who is unmarried, though, honestly, I've seen enough in this world to develop an ennui of 'just how bad it could be') that there is something up. Perhaps the admission that they are not happy, because, as women, we invest so much of ourselves and our identity in our relationships, it is an admission that there is something wrong with us.
At any rate, the stories come: Good, solid Christian men who come to me to tell me not all is right at home. That they struggle often with staying in the home. That they're not sure how to navigate the brokenness of their wives. That they're reluctant to bring children into the world for this reason. That the relentless push for a husband to 'be the spiritual head' is oppressive, and their mistaking that as to have to bear the totality of the blame and the shame in the couple. Of the fights. Of the disappointment and eventual acceptance that this is all the satisfaction that they will get in this life. Of the loss of the passion and light in their lives. Of their second guessing their lives, wondering how they'd ended up with this person for the rest of their lives. It saddens me when they unburden themselves of these terrible secrets. Why me? Probably because partially I do this for a living, partially because I'll never speak of their situations to anyone, partially... who knows?
But I pray. And I pray. And I do see, when I look around the pews, those who are unhappy, but will not admit it either. And I wonder, how can we support those who need help, if they cannot ask? All I can really do is pray for these friends, pray for them, I'm sometimes not even really sure how, and pray that they can make right decisions...

If you could only see yourself in the mirror

2011-07-18T15:21:00.003-04:00

It's sometimes the strangest things that re-ignite one's compassion for other people. I think it's awfully easy to wander most of the time with a rather apathetic attitude towards most people one encounters. Indifferent, at best, apathy, most likely.
Last night, a young girl came in, after injecting some junk into her veins that she had been told was meth, but was evidently not once it got in her. She started developing an anaphylactic reaction, which being scary enough, she then got dumped off at the doors of the ER while her "friends" drove away, leaving her on the pavement. She had to get her way to the doors of the emergency room before anyone saw she was there. She was understandably frantic, and we went about our routine work to get her to settle down, which she thankfully did, and then we ultimately transferred her to a more appropriate hospital for care.
However, the poor thing was clearly ravaged by years of drug abuse - you could tell that without the drugs, she could've been a great beauty, but her haggard face and body made her look twice her age. In between her crying episodes and declarations she was going to get off (noble, but unlikely: meth is the worst for most drugs for addictive potential, killing most of its lovers), she said she started when she was only 14, and that her boyfriend was her dealer (so who knows how that relationship benefits her). A sad life, as she lay, half-clothed on our gurney, with her poorly-applied mascara streaming unattractively across her face, an obvious meth mouth where there should've been a set of beautiful young teeth...

Spurious causes and effects

2011-07-17T11:20:00.003-04:00

It's funny how superstitious medical personnel get. Re-certifying in my ACLS qualifications a week ago now has us all on tenterhooks here this weekend, waiting for someone to come in complete cardiac arrest. Of course, being the MD here would make me in charge of bringing this hypothetical dead person back to life. This only makes sense, of course, because I'm at my optimal in being able to manage one of those, coming straight out of the classroom, hence, why it should inevitably happen.
We all know this - if someone mentions how the floor, or the ER, is awfully 'quiet', people quickly 'shush' them, thinking that disaster will befall shortly thereafter.
I myself noted that one of the (thankfully) few obstetrical crises I've had to deal with came the day after reading a fictional short story about the very same phenomenon. I kicked myself for reading that book the night before.
And so, I'm studiously avoiding reviewing the algorithms, just in case...

Whoosh! Up in flames!

2011-07-12T21:27:00.004-04:00

What I find rather curious is how some have used people's musings on issues on their blogs in order to flame and defame them, and then turn around to then soak the blogger's supporters with petroleum as well.
This has been particularly noted in several postings that I've put up, written by other authors, on Facebook, and then seeing the bloodthirsty battles that then ensue - I suppose I should be thankful that I am able to have a diversity of friends from all over the spectrum of Christendom who can comment on aspects and practices of faith from VERY different viewpoints - but sometimes the aspersions that some make about others, who they don't know and haven't met, are astounding.
Today, even, one friend had posted something on his wall, and in my commenting, had some other guy who I've never met tell me (wow, again, not like I haven't heard this before) that clearly, I'm not a believer and maybe I should read the Bible and authors X, Y and Z (what a big surprise that you would suggest those ones, and not authors A, B and C - probably because you think they're going to hell).
At any rate, in combination with people making assumptions about me by reading this blog, it's amazing what people will do in the relative anonymity of cyberspace. What I find particularly galling is how there are some who have read this page, and, without ever bothering to call or speak to me about it (living in the same city and time zone and all), cast aspersions, create gossip, and make baseless accusations. As if I wouldn't know. Or hoping that I wouldn't know.
For Pete's sake, for a people who are supposed to be easily identifiable by the unity (in diversity) and the love and respect with which we treat one another, I am surprised that there aren't even more people running from the church, screaming and screaming and screaming...

Protect the poor and the vulnerable

2011-06-18T09:00:00.003-04:00

Well, it was rather discouraging in seeing how fragile our mental health system actually is. Last evening, en route to a friend's house, from Chinatown, a lady was casually lounging on the street in front of First Baptist, as if she was casually sunning herself. Loretta was her name. Asking if I had some time hang around and to pray for her (Why, of course I have time for those who ask!), she then proceeding to ask me for money, and also to call her family members.
Loretta was clearly mentally ill. Thinking she must be homeless, and needing some connection to get to a shelter, I'm calling around, finally reaching her sister-in-law that asked her to come home to them. Loretta refused, saying she wanted to stay downtown. Sister-in-law confesses on the phone (to a complete stranger!) that it's hard, she runs away often, and since they live in Scarborough and are trying to make ends meet, they can't be running around Toronto trying to find her. All they can do is ensure that she knows how to get home and how to contact them, but after that, they cannot do anything more.
The longer I'm talking to her, the more agitated Loretta gets, telling me I need to stop talking to her sister-in-law, that she doesn't want me to talk to her anymore. Offering a call to 411 also refused.
So, I unfortunately left Loretta on the sidewalk, somewhat assured that she had a family and a home, unsure how to make her move somewhere safer and protected. A bit of a tension in allowing freedom, and yet wanting to force safety.
This, combined with my bloody 'adventure' on the TTC last week with a gentleman with a medical emergency, who clearly could also use a family and a home as well, makes me wonder just how easy it is for us to let people just fall through the cracks. I wonder how to mobilize the Church to love the unlovely. My own experience demonstrates how easy it is for those in the Church to shun and marginalize those who are different in any way. We are called to better than that. The proof in our call to protect the poor and the vulnerable was also manifest in Washington as well, watching our neighbours calling upon their politicians for a circle of protection around the vulnerable...

Washington DC I

2011-06-15T18:05:00.002-04:00

I must say that the Americans are fascinating people. I'm already back from there, as it was a jam-packed few days in their nation's capital, but there was much to learn. I realized I was more culture shocked from being in the USA than I was while I was in Turkey, to be honest.
I am convinced that the Americans can indeed still be a force for good, but in talking with many at the conference, it seems that there is a sense that their nation has lost their way. I fear also, for many aspects of their mythology that prevent them from being truly great, including that sense of American exceptionalism, and some of the assumptions of their worldview.
It was encouraging to speak to many these last few days who see what their nation could be and what holds it back. It's encouraging to know that there are still many brave and wonderful Americans. It moves one to pray for that nation as it teeters on, yet again, figuring out who defines what is American, and what aspects of its faith it will choose to suppress and show to the rest of the world...

Turkey V

2011-06-06T18:02:00.004-04:00

I think there is something to be said about the self-indulgentness of vacationing. I understand that I happen to live in a country that allows a ridiculous amount of freedom to travel without restrictions, that I happen to be in circumstances that allow me to have the time and the money to travel, and that there are many of millions of people that will never stray far from their place of birth. I wonder if I may have passed some sort of threshold to 'see the world'.
This is doubtful. What I suspect is more likely is the 'purposefulness' of travel. It has been a very long time since I have travelled solely for the purpose of traveling alone. Not for conferences, or for edification of the saints, or for visiting friends who work in far-flung areas doing Very Important Work, or for participating in real, tangible work to help people - those have been the only reasons for my traveling over the past decade overseas to exotic locales.
And so, for 'just' traveling, I find it paradoxically not very satisfying. Ending up on the carousel of the tourist track, of going where everyone else is going, and seeing what everyone else is seeing, seems like a never-ending self-indulgent funfest. Spending so much time within the tourist infrastructure is stifling - you don't have a chance to develop culture shock, because you don't see many people who aren't other tourists, or nationals working for the tourism industry. You move within bubbles of ex-pats, all moving like sheep to the same destinations to gawk at the same things.
The only tangential interaction was staying with some Kurdish couchsurfers, and talking to them about their experiences of being Kurdish in Turkey. Having to struggle to understand their reality and their history was the only mentally challenging and demanding thing that I had to do the whole time. But with that came a slightly deeper understanding of the makeup of this country, of where it will go. It gave me context for the PKK bomb that went off in Istanbul, a few days after we left that city. It helps form what I understand of their upcoming elections next week. No tour guide, nor Lonely Planet, nor tourism travel board can ever give a glimpse of that side of a country's face...

Turkey IV

2011-06-06T17:57:00.003-04:00

I have a very difficult time sleeping, as most of you know. It probably relates to my inability to truly relax. However, we have just arrived somewhere, that were it not for the fact we are just staying overnight, I might have actually been able to truly rest. I found myself, lying on a hammock under grapevines and orange trees, just barely, tinily, infintesimally, creepingly so, to begin to not think, not fret about the world, not ponder, not wonder about the church and her problems, not consider God's concern for the world, not do anything. I didn't even have the motivation to leave to see a bit of the regular tourist attractions.
However, a thunderstorm soon broke both of those choices anyways - had to scramble out of that hammock and head for dry docks.... perhaps one day I could try that again...

Turkey III

2011-06-06T17:47:00.005-04:00

There are tons of "biblical" sites here, that I'm sure any Bible history junkie could get their fix here. Tarsus and Antioch. The seven churches of Revelation. Paul, John and multiple others have travelled through, or have come from, this region. It simply seeps with the history of the church, thanks to the Byzantine empire (even though it has been obscured, and sometimes a bit hidden from view, after both the Seljuk and Ottoman empires have been through).
Not that we're doing much in the 'bible tourist' category, but we have seen where St. John is said to have retired and written his gospel, and where he brought Mary to spend the rest of her days after he was commanded to take care of her. We have visited the city of Ephesus, and stood where Paul stood when he spoke to the Ephesians (and then got the silversmiths of Artemis really, really mad). We have seen the church where St. John is said to have been buried. We have stood where Constantine has been, creating the Holy Roman Empire in his time. We have been where Richard the Lion-Hearted has been (though sadly, it was because of the Crusades that he came through here). We have seen where the ancient church built entire cities and centres of worship, deep in the mountains and under the hills. We have seen how the Byzantine empire maintained the practice and memory of the church while Europe was in its Dark Ages.
Incidentally, I think we fail to give the Byzantine church (and for that matter, the ancient Celtic church) enough credit in the Protestant tradition for their holding fast to the faith - without them, Protestants/evangelicals/fundamentalists wouldn't even have had a faith legacy to be able to now look at those churches and call them heretical...
To consider the weight of history and to consider that our footsteps actually mirror, two thousand years later, the same places where others have stood and spoken, is quite a wonder.

Turkey II

2011-06-06T17:40:00.003-04:00

The one fact about Turkey that I find fascinating is that it is a completely food sovereign nation. That is to say, Turkey is completely capable of feeding itself, and still have leftover for export. That is incredible. There is very little that Turkey actually requires to import for its own survival. Most of the items that it imports, it could surely survive without, if need be, such as coffee and bananas. Otherwise, it is able to produce all of its grain, meat, fruit and vegetables and dairy needs on its own. It even has its own capacity for growing tea and sugar, its own nuts and legumes and its own fishing industry to round out all of its dining needs.
Incredible. In addition, the food itself is incredible. Plenty of vegetables and fresh bread, completely delicious all the time. I have been hard pressed to find a bad meal here, even in the smallest of büfe shops.
Part of it, I think, is how they have been very focussed on using agricultural land. Very few yards or private greenspace lacks fruit or olive trees. Most vacant areas between buildings in smaller towns have greenhouses upon them. Efficient usage of terraces, stacked with greenhouses are noted, even by the sides of main thoroughfares, in order to ensure production of food. Simply amazing. Not knowing too much of their food industry, nor its ethics or economics, I still have to tip my hat to their ability to feed their own people.

Turkey I

2011-06-06T17:31:00.002-04:00

So here we are in Istanbul - a city with a long, vibrant history, where two continents collide, the birthplace of Christianity and Sufism. Mosque and cathedral (and back again, as they were all converted to mosques during the Ottoman empire), both rising majestically along the skyline. Saw a few of the 'must see' sites here including the Blue Mosque. Now, not having seen an extensive number of famous mosques around the world, I do believe this is one of the 'famouser' ones. This is also quite evident just based on the throngs of people coming to see it. Also, as in all mosques, you are requested to remove your shoes before entering - the Blue Mosque is the first that I have seen that even has a dispenser roll of plastic bags at the visitors' entrance to put your shoes in (also an indication of just how popular this site is)!
Problem is, the first thing that you notice upon stepping into the Blue Mosque is the distinctive smell of feet. Not the burning incense of cathedrals, not the mustiness of old parchments, but of feet. Before you even notice the soaring dome, the intricacy of the tiling, the majesty of the building and its design, you smell feet. It is disconcerting, to say the least. Furthermore, I think the solemnity and majesty of the building is taken away by the numbers of children running wild in the male area of the mosque (the larger section of the ground space, and the more spacious, as fewer people are allowed in that area, causing great crushes of people in the unisex/visitors' area, which explains why so many children choose to run around the male prayer area). Of course, this could be rectified somewhat if all people, irrespective of their gender, were free to 'come before God', not having some being relegated to small areas in the posterior part of the building. It could, however, also just encourage more tourists, which wouldn't be a good thing either.

Calgary I

2011-06-06T17:24:00.002-04:00

Sometimes one's impressions of a city are somewhat not entirely without merit. Calgary, to me, still represents unfettered greed and wealth at the expense of the environment and what is actually good for people. It still represents to me unending sprawl and abhorrent history of poor planning in the past. And yet, there is a mayor there who is the mayor Toronto should have had. There is currently a Calgary regional plan that makes sense within the parameters that it currently finds itself in. There is deep thought going into thinking about what kind of future that they see for themselves. These are all very encouraging things.
However, they are still left fighting against an overwhelming sense of a libertarian paranoia, of stalwarts who still want to do things for profit, raping the earth and refusing to think of future generations, those from some weird "Christian" point of view who say they are not moving with progress (though more likely, not moving with their own personal forms of gain). It's depressing that the stereotypical redneck avarice of the region may very well spell its own demise...

Musing on the muses

2011-05-13T22:49:00.002-04:00

I was browsing through the paper today, and noted a collection of photographs being taken at the Cannes Film Festival that's currently taking place. I noted how beautiful all the women were, with their dresses and beautiful coiffed hair. Certainly, they were all dressed impeccably, and so very beautiful. And with very sore feet - I don't think any of them did not arrive on the red carpet without stilettos.
In stark contrast were the photographs taken of the men: Antonio Banderas in an untucked shirt, boat shoes and jeans. DeNiro wearing sneakers (sneakers!) with his tuxedo. Jack Black showing up in a T-shirt and sneakers. The lucky ducks. The men get to show up in clothing they can comfortably wear on the French Riviera, lounging around and even having the belt room to spare for some extra frites before the show starts, and yet the women, the women...
Bound in tiny pieces of footwear. Encased in tight dresses. Forcing their bosoms to heave with the corsets and stays in their tops. It is still the relentless expectations and subjugation of women that force these women, as stunningly beautiful as they are, to be dressed no less oppressively than those of their burqa-covered sisters under the Taliban, or the chanzu of the Han Chinese, or the corseted courtesans in European courts. The irony of the freedom afforded to Western women seems a bit lost when perusing these beauties...

FFT

2011-04-24T20:50:00.000-04:00

John of Kronstadt was a nineteenth-century Russian Orthodox priest at a time when alcohol abuse was rampant. Few of the priests ventured out of their churches to help the people. They waited for the people to come to them.
John, compelled by love, went out into the streets. People said he would lift the hungover, foul-smelling drunks from the gutter, cradle them in his arms, and say to them, “This is beneath your dignity. You were meant to house the fullness of God.”
Like John of Kronstadt, we can say to the broken, “Your brokenness does not define you. You are one in whom Christ dwells. You were meant to house the fullness of God.” We welcome them like the Prodigal Son, restoring them to their true birthright, even if they have trouble accepting it.

-James Bryan Smith.

FFT

2011-04-24T20:47:00.002-04:00

…Don’t the prophets strike you as kind of cranky? … no wonder those of us who preach often avoid them. Our listeners don’t always like it. We don’t like it.
We like happy books. In most of our churches, it is easier to preach comfort rather than judgment, mercy rather than justice, because by the standards of God’s justice, who can ever measure up?
On the other hand, these passages are in the Bible. In fact, the prophets directly account for 250 of the 1189 chapters in the Bible. Can you really be a biblical preacher and not address what the prophets have to say?
More than that, there is a reason why we need to preach on justice. There is a reason for the anger of the prophets, and why we need to submit ourselves to the discipline of regularly sitting under and preaching their words…
...We read the prophets and think: What’s the big deal? What are they getting all heated up about?
To us, the world is not so bad. Most of us are pretty happy. Things are going okay - at least for me.
I know there’s violence in the world. It’s regrettable, but as long as it doesn’t touch my life, I would prefer not to think much about it. Certainly that’s not connected to my anger, self-centredness, lack of love.
Cheating goes on everyday in business. Somebody shades the truth a little for profit - that’s just the way things are.
Some 8000 children are born with or infected with HIV everyday in sub-saharan Afica, and it’s now the leading cause of death.
A few miles from my church, from any church, children are born in poverty, living in ghettos or slums; they will grow up without access to decent education, housing.
But they’re not my children. Maybe their parents did something to deserve it. So what if in ancient Israel the poor often got the shaft? Where is it any different? Why go off the deep end?
The prophets act like the world is falling apart.
What’s the big deal?
The prophets have been given the crushing burden of looking at our world and seeing what God sees; rich people trying to get richer and looking the other way while poor people die. And thinking God is really pretty pleased with their lives. And that the world is going pretty well.
We tend to avoid preaching about justice because we don’t really want to know the truth about what sin has done to our world and to us. Because that would make us uncomfortable.
As Micah 2:11 put it: “If a liar and a deceiver comes and says: ‘I will prophesy for you plenty of wine and beer,’ he would be just the prophet for this people.”
We prefer preaching that tastes great and is less filling….
…. Events that horrified the prophets go on every day in our world, but we just get used to it - like you get used to wearing your watch. After a while - we don’t notice any more.
The prophets noticed. The prophets never got desensitized to sin. Injustice is sin. Justice is central to shalom. We omit justice from our preaching at peril of our calling, and of our congregation’s health and ability to see the reality around them…
…Concern for justice must also be rooted in Jesus and tied to Scripture. Historian Mark Noll noted that one shortcoming of the abolition movement was a failure to do the exegetical and theological work needed to base abolitionism in the authority of Scripture. As a result, reform movements after the Civil War (from women’s rights to temperance to child labour) became increasingly detached from Scripture, and they became increasingly separated from the concerns of the church…
…When we ask people to involve themselves in justice issues, we are not adding a burden on to their busy lives, or asking them to do the church a favour. Ultimately, what matters most is… Which person is more like God?...
…In some churches, where many attenders are well off, we may have to remind ourselves of how badly injustice stings… we hate it when someone treats us unfairly - at work, in family. The call of Jesus is to get as energized about someone else’s being the victim of injustice as you are when it’s you. In particular, be concerned about injustice to those you might be inclined to overlook.
This is another concrete story, from a woman quoted in Miraslov Volf’s wonderful book Exclusion and Embrace: “I am Muslim, and I am 35 years old. To my second son, I gave the name Jihad so he would not forget the testament of his mother - revenge. The first time I put my baby at my breast I told him, ‘May this milk choke you if you forget.’ So be it. The Serbs taught me to hate. [She describes her work as a teacher and how the very people she taught and cared for became her enemies.] My student Zoran, the only son of my neighbour, urinated into my mouth. As the bearded hooligans standing around laughed, he told me: ‘ You are good for nothing else, you stinking Muslim woman.’”
Jesus often surprised his followers by being concerned for those whom others were inclined to overlook….
… So we are to remind people that it is in Jesus that justice prevails. The cross was the scene of the most monstrous injustice in history, where the one truly innocent person in history was visited with the sum total of human sin.
It is on a cross we see most clearly God’s hatred of injustice. It is an empty tomb that proclaims most loudly justice’s final victory.
And so Jesus’ people are called to form a community where shalom prevails. I love the translation Eugene Peterson gives in Acts 2 of the way the world looking on the early church “and in general, liked what they saw” (Acts 2:47, The Message).
May it happen again.

-John Ortberg.

Summertime, and the living ain't easy...

2011-04-18T20:18:00.005-04:00

Well, now that the school year is over (part I of IV to V), I can now get back to... the normal amount of busy-ness. I find it's interesting how it tends to come in waves, rather than in a steady stream. I think it'd be easier that way, if it came at a regular trickle, rather than a mini-tsunami monthly.
Currently enjoying having a new roommate come to live with me, until she gets her life direction all figured out. It's interesting, not having had a (permanent) roommate for a couple of years now and having to renegotiate life with one. It's good and nice to have someone else around the house.
However, I'm regularly intruding on her space so I can access my computer to work on a talk I'm giving on Easter Sunday. Prophetic, it's expected to be. Challenging, too. Yipes. Calling people out of the self-centredness of their own forgiveness, and to broaden their horizons to the reconciliation and transformation of all of life through Christ is where they're being pushed to go. Hopefully impactful; we shall see. The heart is notoriously self-centred and selfish, I know. I can barely break out of my own selfish desires to tend to those around me; the cords of selfishness bind all of us quite firmly.
I'm almost grateful I'm not going to be in the country for another conference that had asked if I'd come to be their plenary speaker (for pity's sake! Can you imagine how some people's teeth would gnash? They would probably wear down their entire enamel that such an infidel as I would be allowed to speak publicly.) this year. Though it would have, indeed, been a fine opportunity to continue to call God's people to envision the wide and lavish love of Christ and His purposes and plans for all of His creation...

Lenten thoughts

2011-04-11T11:31:00.002-04:00

though they really aren't, as I was wracking my brain for a few weeks prior to Lent, trying to think of something meaningful to give up, but by the time Fat Tuesday came around, the one thing I had thought of was actually going to be difficult to implement, so now I didn't actually give anything up for Lent.
However, I'll do it next year. I had thought of giving up eating out for the whole season of Lent. The only reason why I didn't was because I had some dinner and lunch meetings booked in the upcoming weeks that I couldn't break, so I had already trespassed against Lent before it began!
Admittedly, with a significant amount of disposable income and living in a city with a significant wealth and diversity of cuisines, it's very difficult to give up the idea of restaurants and food services. However, I think I, like many of my peers, spend an inordinate amount of money on food outside the home. For me, I find that even more profoundly ironic with my fruit and veg box and my commitment to local producers and vendors. It's certainly not a cost thing: certainly, I likely spend close to the same amount in restaurants monthly as I do on food consumed in the home, but, as opposed to the majority of Torontonians, this doesn't affect my own food security.
It is, however, a justice thing. When we are called as people to temper our appetites (of all sorts), to snuff out greed and selfishness, then I find the over-abundant expenditures on food outside the home fairly unjustifiable. It's a tough balance: many chefs I know are talented, hard-working people, who deserve the accolades and fair compensation for what they do. However, it still remains a luxury for most of the people in our city. And so that's where I remain: You would think it would be easy to give up restaurant food for 47 days, but it's not as pragmatically easy as one realizes...

FFT

2011-04-01T18:56:00.005-04:00

Our Greatest Threat

Much as I hate to admit it, I do reconnaissance at the Department of Motor Vehicles before choosing my seat. The place is a collision of diversity. Logically, I shouldn't feel so uneasy. No one's going to pull a knife on me. But within this diversity there are certain people groups that I view with suspicion. I'm not proud of it, but I believe certain people groups have an unusual capacity for doing evil.
Are certain people really more prone to doing evil than others? Yes. I've found that history points to a single people group who do the most evil. I know it sounds terribly intolerant to label a single people group as the enemy, but this is what history shows.
So who is this great enemy of ours? Three historical vignettes will answer that question. We begin in the 5th century with an answer offered by Symeon Stylites. A Christian ascetic, Symeon sought to free himself from the corrosion of the world by building a 60-foot pillar and standing atop it for 37 years. He started a trend and soon a forest of pillars grew up around him, each topped with a man who similarly believed that the problem was something "down there." Who's the enemy, according to Symeon? The swamp of depraved souls below.
A second story offers a different answer. A journalist once approached Mother Teresa, notepad in hand. Apparently thinking he'd stump her, he asked pointedly, "Where is God when a child dies alone in the slums of Calcutta?" It's not an uncommon question. A God who claims to be both powerful and loving should be taken to task for such an atrocity. The implication, of course, is that God is the perpetrator of evil.
A third answer comes from Flannery O'Connor. As a novelist and essayist, she's not exactly writing history, but her vision is sharp enough to blur the line between fiction and reality. In a doctor's waiting room, Mrs. Turpin sits and reflects on her good nature, thankful that Jesus "had not made her a nigger or white-trash or ugly." Then for no apparent reason, a snarlingly ugly girl hurls a book at her from across the room, followed by an insult, "Go back to hell where you came from, you old warthog." Having collected herself, dusting off her pride Mrs. Turpin notes silently of the insult, "There was trash in the room to whom it might justly have been applied." Who's the enemy, according to Mrs. Turpin? Others who don't know good folk when they see 'em.
So far, our three stories don't agree on a common enemy, except to say not me. But the stories go on. Mrs. Turpin left the doctor's office baffled by the ugly girl's ignorance. Later that night, however, she couldn't shake the girl's words. They echoed in her mind, speaking the truth by stripping bare her self-righteous soul: "Go back to hell, you old warthog." Mrs. Turpin is the real enemy.
Mother Teresa took the journalist's question in stride. But her answer cut short any further ridicule. "Where was God when a child dies alone in Calcutta?" She responded patiently: "Where were you?" The journalist is the real enemy.
Symeon Stylites eventually became a saint. But in his effort to escape the corrosive world below, his foot produced a terrible ulcer. The pus that continually seeped out is documented in graphic detail. Corrosion, it seems, also comes from within. Symeon is the real enemy.
Which is the people group most prone to do evil? History tries to dodge the question, but the answer is inevitable: it's not them; it's me. I am our greatest enemy.
May God save us from ourselves.

- Brandon Gaide.

Being transformed by the renewing of your mind (not)

2011-03-11T12:58:00.005-05:00

One theme that has repeated itself over and over again over the past week or so has been that of entertainment. Some of the main stories that have been running through the newspapers and radios have been commenting on (in various degrees): Charlie Sheen, the NHL (and issues around head concussions, and comparing it to NFL and UFC injuries), whether Lady Gaga does or does not like the idea of breast milk ice cream, people lining up for the iPad launch, who did and did not sing for Gadhafi's family, what has happened to Justin Bieber's hair, etc etc. And, despite news of the rebels fighting Gadhafi's forces, yet another earthquake devastating Japan, and the undemocratic processes that are happening in our own City Hall, we spend an inordinate amount of time paying attention to diversions, to fluffy entertainment. I personally find it embarrassing that I do have a better sense as to what the Bieb's new haircut looks like than I do about Libyan history.
What drives us to be more concerned about the newest Hollywood blockbuster, the newest celebrity gossip, than what concerns life-or-death situations for thousands, if not millions, of people, every day? Why do we tweet about what we think about starlet X's dress that she wore to the Oscars, but think less about those who are dying and fighting over less than what that Oscar gown was worth? Why do we do that?
What I cannot stand is when God's people stand around, at churches and fellowships and potlucks, and talk about this kind of drivel. If this is the content of our minds, then where lies the direction of our hearts? And if our hearts are inclined in a certain direction, then how will it lead how we choose to live our lives? It's all very depressing.

A City Covenant

2011-03-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

You know what I love? Well, many things, really. But one thing that really inspires me is other people who look through a glass, darkly, but can also see beyond it and dream big dreams, and when synergies can come together and cause those dreams to happen.
I'm currently in discussions with one of those dreamers. The initiative is so exciting, and visionary, and possible, holding the potential to change our city for the better, if not the whole country. It actually deeply impresses me when people have huge vision for how Kingdom can come, here and now, and as well as thinking ahead to when it shall come to fulfillment.
At any rate, I've been asked to take part, and help found this initiative. I am embarrassed to think that they think I can actually contribute something useful. What an opportunity to make a tangible difference for this city, however.
More details later (unless, of course, you're one of those people who are in this 'divine conspiracy' as well), but certainly, I am also daunted, not only by my lack of skill, but also with the tasks that still remain, and how to find balance, but also with considering how to give 'all out' for the Kingdom, each and every day...

Never much longer than 500 words. Maybe 140 characters or less.

2011-03-02T16:58:00.003-05:00

I've realized I have a really hard time paying attention for hours at a time, sitting, immobile, at a desk. I've been endeavouring to finish a paper for school, and it's been super-ADD in trying to do so. I sit for about 30 minutes, write one or two sentences, then check Facebook or email, get up, make a cup of tea, think it's probably a good idea to clean the bathroom, and then realize an hour later that I should get back to work. It's been painful.
I'm not sure how much of this is culturally imposed, in this culture of Twitter, status updates and Sesame Street commercial length episodes. I'm not sure how much of this is because, up to this point, brevity and conciseness are virtues in my career. However, it's killing me to talk, at length, about a topic that I find fascinating, but can only say so much before I start repeating myself. To ask me to do a powerpoint presentation, bullet-style, with the three major points to be made, is great. I could orate for hours on a topic, but to ask me to transcribe it all on paper? Bah!

Bing! goes the lightbulb

2011-02-08T22:00:00.003-05:00

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted! Mainly because I don't really have much new to say, actually.
A few weekends ago was a launch of a 'salon' for a group of people who generally have not been pushed, nor encouraged, to think deeply and profoundly about the assumptions that they bring to the understanding of their faith. I think some of them still didn't really get it.
However, it was greatly encouraging to see people thinking, almost physically seeing the lightbulbs going off in their heads to think and engage critically with their cultural blinders, and their biases and judgements. Not sure where that will go, or if some will eventually tire of thinking, and want to simply consume blindly.
Blind, witless consumption results in being prepared like a pig for slaughter; so engorged and sated with lulling platitudes, that one cannot and does not recognize or engage with the culture as it is....

FFT

2011-01-26T16:48:00.000-05:00

"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist." - Dom Helder Camara

FFT

2011-01-17T21:28:00.002-05:00

I live in North America. I'm fortunate. Some would even say I'm blessed. But when I look around our great country, I see disturbing contrasts. Some are rich, others poor. Some are powerful, others neglected. There are those who are healthy, those who are sick. My travels take me to countries where there appear to be no blessings. I see dirt floors, glassless windows, rag mattresses and short life expectancies, things that I would consider trials, perhaps even tribulations. Yet when I listen to the Christians living there speak about their God, I know they have seen and experienced God in a reality I can only read about. Sometimes I wonder whether their experiences allow them to know God in ways I never will.
Some say the blessings I have are from God, but it makes me wonder why God would give me financial security when that doesn't lead me to a stronger faith. Why does He protect me from pain when my pleasure only keeps me distracted from the important things in life? Ravi Zacharias in his book "Jesus among other gods" states that:
"Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain but from being weary of pleasure. It is not pain that has driven the west into emptiness; it has been the drowning of meaning in the oceans of our pleasure."
I remember the patient dying of cancer that I had told would not live out the weekend. He didn't believe me and weakly joked about my attempt to predict the future; "Are you God?" he asked gently. When I returned after my weekend off he smiled, took my hand, motioned me closer to his face and whispered that I must not be a very good doctor as he was still alive! We both knew what he meant, and we both knew that God was waiting for him; he was ready to die but he needed to wait a little longer and even in his suffering, that was okay.
We can also recall those patients who make us feel uncomfortable in their lively exuberance as they speak about the blessings of God. They are too often speaking from a life of pleasure. Safety, security, affluence and overindulgence often define our understanding of God's blessing. Is it possible that when one travels the easy road in life, one becomes spiritually soft? Is suffering a form of spiritual exercise? Are Christians in the West suffering from spiritual obesity, fed to excess on the best things in life at the table of our local "pigs-are-us" buffet?
Meaning in life becomes clearer when we go through tough times. Suffering brings out many emotions in us. Some cry out for help, others rail against the foes. But it still hurts. Is there a lesson for us in suffering? Or is this just required of the few? The Bible gives us some indication when Paul writes in Roman 5:3,4 "...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
I can only conclude that North American "blessings" are not necessarily God's "blessings". There is something out there of more value. John Steinbeck, in his book "The Pearl" had it right when he told his story about the error of sacrificing all for something that was valuable but not priceless. We need to look for and find the "pearl of great price" that Christ refers to in His parable.
This issue leaves me with a bit of sanguine melancholy. Christ has not given me my affluence as a blessing to horde, but as a tool to serve. And I need to go through suffering to mature. Isn't there another way?
-Dr. Roger Gingerich

Haiti Part II Episode II

2011-01-06T17:11:00.003-05:00

I have many, many, many blindspots and biases, but I think I try very hard to keep an open, non-judgmental mind in viewing and weighing the values of the 'other'. However, the breathless confidence that some hold about how they are the sole keepers of truth and they are the only, privileged ones who have been given the mandate to bring it to those poor, black people gives me the creeps. I've written before of those who wore shirts that said, "God is now coming to Haiti" - presumptuous. Thinking that God has never been there previously. Thinking that they are the repositories of God. Thinking that the Church does not exist here, or does absolutely nothing.
It continues: the denigration of local pastors who spend long hours loving and praying for their countrymen. The assurance that parroting back the "sinner's prayer" allows them to tick off another "saved soul". The sheer arrogance in asserting that Haitians have never known love before, which is why we are so privileged to bring it to them (WHAT??). The worldview that assures itself that Haiti is a land of Satan that needs to suffer conquest and victory over it. All of it, heinous.
I think another friend, in another context, has put it better than I: http://outthereq.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-love-that-they.html

Haiti Part II Episode I

2011-01-05T17:35:00.002-05:00

Cholera has a 50% mortality rate, if untreated. It is a horrible death of profuse vomiting and diarrhea, an undignified, dirty, leper-like death. Families have abandoned those who start showing signs of it, fearful of ending up with the same fate, leaving patients to die alone in the filth of their own feces. Other families have shown great courage and sacrifice in getting their loved ones to the hospital.
It is ridiculously curable; the simplicity of IV fluids is enough to cure the disease. That is all; the lack of clean water and the giving of clean water are both the cause, and the cure.
Part of this contributes to my rage here, watching those who lie, completely undignified, half-naked on our hospital cots with holes ripped open in the middle of the bed, so that they can simply defecate straight into deep buckets under their cots as they are too weak and sick to do their business in private. Rage that something as simple as clean water prevents this disease. Rage that 1 in 6 people on this planet lack access to clean water on a daily basis, and that one-third of our population lack access to basic sanitation.
I serve as the pediatrician here, and have been in charge of the Pediatric Ward (Lopital Kolera pou Timoun in Creole) since my arrival. My charges are the small babies to the teenagers. Everyday, I have witnessed the miracle of Lazarus, again and again, of those who were dead, but have been brought back to life. All for the sake of a few litres of clean water.
My littlest have been but several months old, tiny little critters, to teenagers that have made me laugh when they have gotten well enough that they can complain, over and over again of, "I'm booooorrrrred." (Thank God you're well enough to complain like a regular teenager!). Some have broken my heart in their stories of hunger and want, some have made me laugh with their smiles and their shenanigans (which prove to me how much better they've gotten), some have dozed off in my lap with their velvety chocolate fingers wrapped around my own relatively fat pale ones. This is the face of Jesus that I and my amazing Peds team have resuscitated and maintained and cured, with my nurses colouring and blowing balloons and bubbles for the children. I thank God for my team, for they were amazing women with huge skills and huge hearts, and certainly, though being the pediatrician for the week, I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.

FFT

2010-12-26T18:17:00.001-05:00

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answer, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression,
and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for
justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer
from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that
you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able,
with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who is our Brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you
and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen.

-Franciscan benediction

Finding light in the mud and hay

2010-12-26T17:45:00.004-05:00

So, barring the massive snowstorm engulfing the northeastern USA, I am heading back to Haiti. I've kind of left it low-key, and even a few of my close friends didn't even know I was going.
Some have wondered why I wanted to go back, especially at this time of year, when there are many more fun things I could be doing in the city. There are several reasons: some pragmatic (like, it's warm! I figure I didn't want to leave December out as a month that I didn't ride on an airplane. They need people on the ground. It'd be good to see my Haitian friends again. I need to see with my own eyes how progress has been made, or not, in the time I've been away), some not. Certainly, in light of various current events, I felt it was much more poignant to spend Christmas (originally I was supposed to be there Christmas Day, but for various reasons that didn't happen) literally in the mud and hay with the same poor, displaced, potentially illegitimate children that our Lord Himself found Himself in when He arrived two thousand years ago, rather than sitting around at feast after feast, gorging myself on my family's abundance. My emotional and spiritual angst cannot compare to the angst that continues, one year after the earthquake.
A Haitian friend of mine that I was chatting with online the night of the election riots told me, in real time, how she could hear the gunfire, and could smell the tires burning in the streets of Port-au-Prince. That clinched it for me. How we could sit back and allow such horridness, such despair to continue just five hours away (just as close as Vancouver is) is inconceivable. To rationalize that this is God's judgement on these people makes me want to vomit.
We are to put feet and wings to the gospel. It is good news. It can change lives. It can change nations. It can transform hearts, people and entire societies. To keep it in our heads or our hearts disinvolves the rest of the body, keeping it an inward-looking faith. And so, off I go again, to try to put hands and feet to my Jesus, and trying to find Him as well in the faces that I will see...

FFT

2010-12-23T16:15:00.002-05:00

Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of rather self-righteous dismay. We criticize its violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, and materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain," we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it? Who is to blame? Let me put it like this. If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house; that is what happens when the sun goes down. The question to ask is "Where is the light?" Similarly, if the meat goes bad and becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat; that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is "Where is the salt?" Just so, if society deteriorates and its standards decline until it becomes like a dark night or a stinking fish, there is no sense in blaming society; that is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves, and human selfishness is left unchecked. The question to ask is "Where is the Church? Why are the salt and light of Jesus Christ not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our part to raise our eyebrows, shrug our shoulders, or wring our hands. The Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is largely our faults and we must accept the blame.
- John Stott

FFT

2010-12-23T15:46:00.003-05:00

Being recently labelled an 'extremist' (by those within the Family, not without, sadly), I found this passage helpful:

"But... as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label [of extremist]. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you." Was not Amos an extremist for justice: "Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: "I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus." Was not Martin Luther an extremist: "Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God." And John Bunyan: "I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience." And Abraham Lincoln: "This nation cannot survive half slave and half free." And Thomas Jefferson: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal..." So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremist for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill three men were crucified. We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime - the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. The other, Jesus Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists."
- Letter from Birmingham Jail, Martin Luther King Jr.

FFT

2010-12-21T06:57:00.002-05:00

" 'If God created us in His image, we have more than reciprocated.' That's what French philosopher Voltaire said of the human tendency to mould God into our own likeness. Similarly, God's son has been adapted to a great variety of human-created roles. To capitalist Christians, Jesus was a model entrepreneur. To socialist Christians, he was a hard-core socialist. To eco-Christians, he was a lily-loving environmentalist. To self-help Christians, he was motivational guru. And to Christian activists, he was a revolutionary....
...there was always some uneasiness about such a specific and selective interpretation of Jesus' life... How can the story of Jesus shape me if I am so busy shaping it?...
...instinct tells me that it's more valuable to focus not on what I want to see but on what I may not want to see. It is the latter that can stretch me."
- Will Braun

"Obviously Jesus was a hippie. Just look at the pictures of him, all earnest and long-haired. With his sandals and his groovy tunic. Always going on about peace and love and expanding people's consciousness. No doubt he could do wonders with a hacky sack.
For a long time I really embraced that caricature - well, except for the part about the hacky sack. I had Jesus pegged as a peace-loving, social justice advocate with no time for the rich. So, he was kind of like me. But then it struck me that it was just a bit too convenient that Jesus' political and social views mirrored mine so well.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm still convinced that Jesus was a lefty. But I'm not so arrogant as to believe that anyone who has a different take on him is necessarily out of line....
Contrast, for example, my hippie-Jesus with the Jesus of Revelation... whoa.
There are other less dramatic contradictions, of course...
All of this is open to interpretation, of course. And therein lies the key to our propensity to project all kinds of characteristics on Jesus to suit a chosen image of him. We fashion Jesus' sayings and teachings to fit our line of thinking, and if we don't like the face value of his words, we can always add the caveat: "what he really meant when he said that was [insert theological interpretation here]."
Because Jesus is such a potent symbolic figure for religious and non-religious people alike, he's constantly used as an instrument to further a point of view - political, religious or other-wise.... most of the time, characterization of Jesus that rub us the wrong way can't simply be written off as disingenuous or duplicitous - no matter how unreasonable we may find them.
This point struck me a few years ago while listening to a right-wing preacher use Jesus' Sermon on the Mount to justify the war in Iraq. Seriously...
A warmonger. A guerilla. These examples show that when you take the complexities and contradictions of the figure of Jesus himself, and combine them with our presumptions and contemporary sensibilities, he can end up being whoever you want him to be. A superhero. A revolutionary. A magician. A carpenter. All those things and more...."
- Nicholas Klassen

Theological dictionary

2010-12-11T21:37:00.004-05:00

All references, as quoted, from wikipedia:

Heathen: Also, pagan. "typically used to refer to polytheistic religious traditions, although from a Christian perspective, the term can encompass all non–Abrahamic religions", "an all-embracing, pejorative term...with overtones of the inferior and the commonplace"... that is to say, everyone who is not good enough to be 'one of us'. That is also to say, everyone not of the "in" crowd, and able to be easily excluded because of perceived inferiority or inability to be "special" enough to be included. In contrast to the vast table of God's grace, where those least likely to be called are those invited to dine at the table, and those who assumed that they deserve to feast based on merit, or even a misunderstanding of grace, find themselves alienated from those at the table.

Heretic/heresy: "a controversial or novel change to a system of beliefs, especially a religion, that conflicts with established dogma, distinct from apostasy". "Irenaeus.. describe(d) and discredit(ed) his opponents during the early centuries of the Catholic Church... the Catholic Church holds Protestantism as espousing numerous heresies... some Protestants considered Catholicism the "Great Apostasy"... Church leaders (held) the power to, in effect, pronounce the death sentence upon those whom the Church considered heretical...Protestant churches were also known to execute those whom they considered as heretics.... The subject of Christian heresy opens up broader questions as to who has a monopoly on spiritual truth"... that is to say, heresy is in the eyes of the beholder. Those who hold the power (at the time) get to determine who are the heretics; it is an abuse and misuse of power in order to remove all legitimate alternative voices. In reality, all are heretical, as any who claim to have the monopoly on truth in effect claims that they are God, possibly the greatest heresy of them all.

Evangelical: I can define this one: There are four distinctives that differentiate evangelical Christianity from other streams of Christian thought, as outlined by Bebbington. 1. Personal decision/conversion to Jesus Christ. 2. The need to share the narrative of Jesus and of evangelism. 3. The high view of Scripture. 4. The centrality of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
That is to say: There are many who are evangelicals in this world. These are our central unifying distinctives (and even within them, there is a wide diversity of understanding of those four distinctives and their implications). Everything else becomes a bit of gravy. Unilateral decisions on all other issues of what is orthodox and what is not, and then being able to draw lines in the sand as to who is 'evangelical' and who is not based on all other issues is again, another demonstration of theological arrogance.

Cult: "the totality of external religious practice and observance, the neglect of which is the definition of impiety... (it) has come to connote the total cultural aspects of a religion... (it is also) considered subjective... in reference to groups seen as authoritarian... The word implies a group which is a minority in a given society." That is to say, the original usage of the term was to denote all the practices and traditions that were particular to a specific understanding of a religious tradition. Now, the term is a bit more sinister and unfortunately thrown about like candy when labeling those who are different. However, there is also the reality that many people prefer the safety and the black/white dichotomy that many more rigid frameworks offer. It is often too difficult for people to live with uncertainty, mystery and faith; the safety of the rigid, inflexible worldview is often an easier retreat from dealing with society.

Hypocrite: "the state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie." That is to say, people who smile politely at you, and pleasantly chit chat and pretend to be your friend, while meanwhile backstabbing the best they can without having the balls to say anything.

Now, how to find a job...

2010-11-29T21:47:00.004-05:00

So, today's the kind of day that I wish I could do every day, but unfortunately, I wouldn't get paid for any of it, so would eventually lose my home and then have to live on the streets. Last week was a disaster in terms of fall-out from my "sharing" at church, with all sorts coming out of the woodwork to either share their own heartache about the church and breaking my heart in the meanwhile, or reinforce bad stereotypes about the church and re-traumatizing me again. However, today was great! Correction: it started being great last night at supper!
Last night, a good friend of mine totally blew my brains out with some Hebrew deconstruction of gender, and has given me an opportunity to look at a 'third way' between the polarizing debate currently going on in the West. I still have yet to gather the pieces of brain matter because they exploded so much.
This morning, I had a very constructive meeting with a provincial advocacy group trying to navigate the waters of governance and direction of NGOs. That was followed by a talk that I gave to one of the campus ministries (of which I actually got feedback on, and I think both I and they found it a mutually edifying time) and then meeting with my faculty advisor. Catching up with a long-lost friend for tea in the afternoon, followed by a constructive board meeting where we had a lively debate on the merits of how cozy we should get to corporate sponsors, or not. That was awesome. Stuff that turns my crank. Stuff I could do every day if it was possible....

disorientation...

2010-11-21T21:05:00.003-05:00

I think the number one reason why I'm getting a bit tired with all my globe-trotting is trying to catch up with everything once I'm back. Being thrown back into work, volunteering, policy, school direction, figuring out an NGO (kind of), as well as all the small detail-y things that happen with life makes it a bit hard to catch your breath!
Case in point: I haven't yet been back for two weeks, and already I've been on call at the hospital, attended a talk by a friend (already blogged about), spoke at another church, sat on a panel for an EFC conference, debriefed with my small group, hosted a dinner party, had a catch up dinner with friends I hadn't seen in over a year (despite living in the same city!), attended two potlucks, let alone be at work! It's tiring.
My to do list is getting smaller, but it's still a bit finicky. I got another thing off my list by "sharing" at my church this morning - if you'd already read the long detailing that I wrote previously about Cape Town, let alone all the stuff I didn't write about, you'd figure it'd be kind of hard to distill some sense of all that chaos (beauty and brokenness all at the same time) into five compressed minutes. I don't think I did that great of a job about it, really. But at least it's done.
Part of my impression that it didn't go over that great is cause very few people asked about it afterwards. So I think it was either very uninteresting, very inaccessible, or very pointless. I can't really figure out which. I think, after the weekend that I've been through, I'm coming to the conclusion that my church will likely never really understand me, which is kind of OK, but not.
It's an even weirder paradox than it was before. Now that I'm one of the "poster children" for the EFC for thinkers of how the Canadian church should move forward in this new millennium, it seems even more disjointed than usual that I feel like nobody "gets" me in my own local family. Throw in another disappointingly strange encounter today, and I'm feeling even more disorientated in where I should be...

Post-mortem continued

2010-11-11T20:58:00.001-05:00

So, the entries are briefer and less detailed, mainly because I don't want to go on and on with what I was thinking, but in brief, here are the last three days:

Day five - I’ve already briefly talked about this day in a much more contemporaneous way previously, so I won’t reiterate here.
Day six
This day’s theme was integrity. It started with a rousing, kicking plenary by a Kenyan pastor challenging us to determine if we really live the life we say we represent with justice, love, equity and integrity. He challenged us to consider that the biggest obstacle to the gospel is not methods, fads, celebrity, trends or strategy, but is actually ourselves and our lack of integrity. Putting out the challenge of putting orthodoxy to orthopraxis, as the church is left with a large credibility gap.
Others followed, noting that we are a scandal in and of ourselves. That our idolatry for power and pride, popularity and success, and wealth and greed that cost God His glory. That we must stop pointing at the sin in the world, and go to clean up our own backyards first. That, in our obsession with proper theology, we must be careful in our arrogance to think we have it set firm - for even at a highly regarded seminary just outside Cape Town was where the theology for apartheid was formulated.
After that, it kind of degenerated. This was the day where they also spoke about the role of women in the church. And where I was torn, yet again. Officially, the Lausanne movement endorses the full and free participation of women to use their gifts in all their diversity, in order to bring about kingdom. However, the rationale that I heard, though I desperately wanted to agree, was weak, at best. It distilled down to a very pragmatic reasoning and preference for passages that help support that view, and, as far as I could tell, was not a deep and anguished wrestling with passages that don’t support that view. To be fair, the men on the other side of the camp also do not wrestle with the passages that do not support their views either, however, the presentations that I heard would NOT fly in my own church against the men who really believe that my gifts and talents are not equivalent to their own. This was a grave disappointment to me. Many men during this congress were greatly encouraging of my gifts and my talents, and dared me to dream further than the narrow boundaries of certain denominations. For certainly, if a church feels that its theology stands or falls based on the status of women, I would argue that church doesn’t actually know what its reason for being actually is.

Day seven
The final day. Patrick’s challenge was one of the most breath-taking (the other ones were actually rather “meh” to “that was really, really lame”). He pointed out how the Western church declares that Asia will finish the task, partially because it certainly could be capable to do so, but also partially because it would like to wash its hands of the hardship and difficulty of going to the truly ‘hard places’. However, he points out that we should banish that thought from our heads. Already, Asian nations are equating political and economic power with the gospel, and the same paradigm of the powerful bringing the gospel to the powerless begins afresh. The same colonialistic, imperialistic, and triumphalism begin anew and Asia will make the same mistakes of treating the gospel as that of the powerful, and not that of the weak, the humble and the small. Again, the echoes of our arrogance and lack of integrity standing in the way of real breakthrough in all of our nations was still resonating through this morning.
For the life of me, I cannot remember what I did that afternoon, but our second Canadian gathering occurred later that day, and here was another example of how redemptive my fellow countrymen and women were for me. It was here that we were able to say, quite honestly, how the majority of the messaging at this congress was disturbing and not the most helpful in navigating the pressing issues of our world today. There were many other wise things that were discussed here, but I don’t think I’m going to discuss them in this kind of forum.
We then headed back for the closing ceremonies, which again, was redemptive and satisfying in its richness. They had adapted a Ugandan liturgy that was beautiful and deep. Lindsay came to deliver the message, and he brought together disparate topics and beautifully highlighted how we, as the church, should see ourselves and what we do in this broken world. I have to commend him, as he reconciled many of the harsh and aggressive messages that were imparted in this congress and reshaped them back into the fold of love, such that, by the end of it, many of us could wholeheartedly agree with what he said, though we struggled much with what we had heard previously in the week. It was satisfying to my soul to be at those closing ceremonies - in that, I felt that at least we had one thing right to say to the world.
And then, that was that. I left Cape Town shortly after that to head on another adventure, and to end up at another conference. I was so tired: emotionally, spiritually, physically by that point, I wouldn’t have minded to be put into a medically-induced coma for a few days. I am still very emotionally and spiritually weary, and I think that brokenness from this experience will last for quite a long time yet. The physical weariness will wear off, but I think the scars borne from attending will remain. There was incredibly loveliness and beauty and vast amounts of sadness and confusion. What is still most astounding to me is that God bothers to loves us at all, and that He chooses to dwell with us and walk with us, when we will not. Ultimately, He is very lovely, and we are very not.

Redemptive Canadians

2010-11-09T21:37:00.001-05:00

Right, I said that I was going to mention something about how my fellow Canadian delegates were quite crucial in helping me navigate through the journey I had at Lausanne, and how, even now, they continue to help process, narrate and heal through this experience.
I have mentioned earlier how actually spending some time ‘away’ with two brothers for lunch to discuss how upsetting the discourse was, how uneasy we were with the messaging coming from the stage, and how this was not the Jesus or the world that we knew, was really redemptive for me. Another aboriginal brother who helped whisk me away to the townships, to see how apartheid is still very alive and well, to see the brokenness in that country, and yet also, to see such great beauty and how God is still at work, despite our failings and inadequacies.
My fellow Canadian delegates have continued to pour into my life, even now. Tonight, I was at a talk given by another delegate, where he shared his distress, disgust and disorientation from having attended Lausanne, and how his pain at the brokenness of the church is still balanced by the hope and the joy of our Lord being present amongst His people. I’m not sure if the rest of the audience really “got” what he was talking about, but his words echoed many of my own from the last posting that I wrote. Others have asked me to come and speak in other venues in the upcoming weeks. In our national time away, to congregate together we realized that we, as a country, remained in unity in our shame in the discourse happening and the inequities and battles that continue to be fought within the church
It has been so comforting to know that I am not alone in my thinking. I believe that there is greater purpose in the selection of delegates who did attend. Several of the people that I know who were on the nominations list, but were not invited to attend, as lovely as they are, are still people who think in old, stale paradigms that no longer apply to our world today (that being said, I’d have to say most of the evangelicals I know still think in those ways). However, as I’ve discovered over the past few months, that those of us who were, by God’s grace, chosen to attend were kindred spirits in many ways - seeing but dimly that another way is possible, despite the strong-armed, unswerving, completely self-assured dinosaur that continues to stomp down old paths that no longer speak to our culture or our world. They give me hope that another future is possible for the Bride that we love and that we can choose different paths and that Jesus is still going to keep calling us to Himself and to take up our crosses and give up our Pharisaism daily. I can only dare to hope for myself that I am worthy of the calling to which I have been called, and that, as all of creation groans for God’s full redemption, that we hear this cry and strive to see His kingdom come and His will be done on earth.

South Africa VIII

2010-11-05T16:37:00.003-04:00

Day four
I fully, unashamedly and completely confess that I do not like aspects of Piper’s theology. The man himself is very nice and kind (for the few brief moments I met him), and I’m sure he treats his family, dolphins, bunny rabbits and puppies well. However, his thought around many issues is really problematic. I mean, the regular criticisms of his being a hyper-Calvinist is one thing. But also, his fixed, monocultural, mono-worldview is concerning (particularly more so as he’s supposed to be a missions-minded pastor), with a very Puritanical, very dualistic point of view. In terms of approach and theology, he rides a very narrow horse that gets ridden over and over again. Not to mention his very rigid views on the role of women. This last point is particularly hurtful, as not only because of his near idolization by many people that I know, who take everything he says as near-gospel, or even, dare I say, word of God itself, but also because his views actually completely ignore and deny the reality that there are many equally orthodox views in seeing the world. However, in the country-that-shall-not-be-named, as well as in my own, there certainly is a significant segment of people who follow of a version of Piperanity. This is no fault of the man himself if people choose to idolize him; he’s a very modest, humble guy who I am quite sure would be aghast if people thought of him that way. However, I am quite sure he is also fully aware at how much weight his words carry when he uses them.
For this, I am quite upset (as were many other non-country-that-shall-not-be-named delegates) by his using his Lausanne pulpit to push his own particular brand of evangelicalism as the “right” one.
For some reason, only in the country-that-shall-not-be-named, and, by proximity, in our own, there seems to be a tension between proclamation of the gospel and demonstration of kingdom (‘seems to be’, for, in our Canadian delegation, there is no tension - I will write more about the redemptive purposes of my fellow Canadians in another post), requiring a prioritization, a categorization, and a distinction between the two. This is NOT so anywhere else in the world. Word and deed go together; indeed, they are inseparable, and cannot even be distinguished. The concept that they are separate entities is hard to understand for most of the rest of the church. Providing freedom for captives, healing the broken and proclamation of good news is all one and the same. There is no condition of having one first before the other will be provided. There is no stronger emphasis on proclamation at the expense of transformation. Only here, where we live.
So, when Piper uses his pulpit to proclaim that there is a distinction, that there needs to be higher priority on proclamation over transformation, that, unless one is explicitly laying out the four spiritual laws (which is SO modern and irrelevant to our times), then really, what are you doing with your life? The messaging I received was that: You are non-essential to the kingdom, for you are not doing anything of merit, for you are not standing on street corners with stupid signs saying, “You’re going to burn in hell if you don’t accept Jesus”. Psht; helping the poor? Transforming policy? Defending the weak? Living close to the land? Rejecting to live at your 'expected' standard of living? Governing your nation justly? Removing economic barriers and dismantling unjust structures? But you’re not telling people explicitly about Jesus? Pointless, all of it.
Other speakers this day also spoke about globalization and the gospel, which many attended, thinking it would actually be talking about globalization and how the church should respond. Many left, including myself, quite early on in the session when it became apparent that it was not. The speaker decided to define globalization, not in the regularly accepted notion of economic structures that cause great disparity and pain in the world, but as the increasing ‘worldliness’ that encroaches upon the church that we must fight and defend ourselves against. What??? Many of us left disgusted that the church had no response to the grinding poverty and economic structures that leave half of the world in desperate need and want without providing some succour, some answer, some solutions.
This was certainly a turning point for me here at the Congress; a militant, aggressive advancement of the narrow definition of ‘the gospel’, ignoring the realities and disparities of our world today, and denigrating the work and aspirations I have for transforming Kingdom left me wondering if I even wanted to be an evangelical anymore. It left me wondering whether I was even ‘acceptable’ enough in my theology to be an evangelical, and wondering whether I even belonged in this family anymore.
This was a dark teatime of the soul for me. This particular day made me want to go home, and probably I should go and become Roman Catholic or something, as I clearly didn’t belong in this club. The language of exclusion, of preference of some views over others, of a lack of justice and action was very isolating. The incomprehensibility of reviewing (for three whole days! Half the congress!) over and over again the base beliefs and theology that unite us (uh, hello, I think we can all agree on the uniqueness of Christ, the death and resurrection, the necessity of proclaiming the gospel and making disciples etc etc, and to flog it for half the Congress, when we are all quite sure where our orthodoxy lies was kind of a waste of time), and leaving little room to discuss and respond to pressing issues of our day left many wondering why we were gathering for a global basic theology lesson.
Many of us were grasping with: but how will we respond to the need for true racial reconciliation? To climate change? To global poverty? To HIV/AIDS? To new ways of expressing and understanding the Grand Narrative? To the challenge of orality? These were issues that were sidelined and marginalized.
Sigh. Thinking about it, even now, after some redemptive things that happened after this point, still makes me wonder whether I am an Evangelical. If I am, I am not a proud one. Some point out I actually never was and this should be reassuring to me, and that what should comfort me most is that I actually follow Jesus first. And that is comforting, that I think seriously about the red words in my Bible, even though I fail miserably at following them, and that I think about the OT, and focus much less than the regular Evangelical on Romans to Philemon. Thanks to solid brothers and sisters who helped to listen, who vented alongside with me, and for my fellow countrymen who made me realize I wasn’t actually totally a freak.

South Africa VII

2010-11-05T11:22:00.002-04:00

This is just quoted verbatim from a brochure that I received re: efforts made in South Africa to deal with child abuse and exploitation here in this country. One good friend of mine and I routinely talk about the discourse in North America that emphasizes rights, but ignores or minimizes our responsibilities to our society. What's particularly excited about the wording in this is that it is from the South African Human Rights Commission. However, in their mandate to protect human rights, they do not neglect citizens' responsibilities to the nation.

Children, empower yourselves - know your rights, accept your responsibilities!
Chapter 2 of our Constitution contains the Bill of Rights which applies to everyone. Some of these rights which apply to children should be exercised responsibly by everyone including children themselves. These rights are:
- A right to family care, love and protection and the responsibility to show love, respect and caring to others, especially the elderly.
- A right to a clean environment and the responsibility to take care of their environment by cleaning the space they live in.
- A right to food and the responsibility not to be wasteful.
- A right to good quality education and the responsibility to learn and respect their teachers and peers.
- A right to quality medical care and the responsibility to take care of themselves and protect themselves from irresponsible exposure to diseases such as HIV/AIDS.
- A right to protection from exploitation and neglect and the responsibility to report abuse and exploitation.

South Africa VI

2010-11-05T04:46:00.002-04:00

Day three
This was a great morning - a really strong challenge to the church that when we claim that God has reconciled the whole world to Himself through Jesus Christ, do we really mean it? Reminders that we all, irrespective of religious lineage, ethnic heritage, or impeccable bloodlines, were all brought near to the King, and we are called to a kingdom together in being peace-beings and peace-makers together. Ruth Padilla, the first woman ever invited to speak as a plenary expository speaker in the Lausanne movement, was incredibly inspiring, and I feel privileged in being able to get to know that family better over the course of the congress. Ruth is no slouch herself, being a leading theologian in Latin American thought. There were, of course and inevitably, men (mainly from the West, and mainly from ahem-the-country-that-shall-not-be-named) who refused to attend her plenary for the sole fact that she was a she.
Thought provoking challenges from a Palestinian Christian, standing alongside a Messianic Israeli, with them sharing about the very real obstacles to genuine reconciliation in their nation, and how the power of the gospel, demonstrated through them, can show that torn land that healing is possible.
Joseph, another dear friend, who spoke so eloquently about our responsibility to remember to free our brothers and sisters, not only from spiritual slavery, but from physical bondage of all sorts and demonstrating that the liberty of the gospel does, in fact, point to a new reality and a new kind of reconciled community.
Antoine, a figure who looms large in the reconciliation efforts in Rwanda, who himself suffered much loss during that country’s genocide in the 1990s, who wondered aloud how where some of the fastest-growing churches are, there the civil wars and the genocide have had some of their most terrifying horrors unleashed. He wondered as to the methods of the West in its visualization of discipleship and mission, if a country such as Rwanda which was 90% Christian, could yet massacre one million of its own people? He pointed to missionaries completely ignoring the social context in which they presented the gospel, building upon already pent-up ethnic hatred within the country to build their church, using converts to their advantage, conspiring with the government to keep their churches running, all adding up to the horrific episode in 1994 when the West turned its back away from a problem it helped create.
Rwanda, however, has come back from the brink, based on godly men and women from their own country, actively working towards reconciliation. Understanding that suffering is inevitable with the gospel. Understanding that woundedness is needed for healing to begin. Understanding that reconciliation, deep and pure and true, is what is needed to truly demonstrate that Christ died for all, not preferentially for some.
Brenda then also gave a prophetic indictment to us all about our huge credibility gap in the evangelical church. This gap is so huge, you can drive a truck right through it, and without credibility, we have no right to speak to truth.
Inspiring morning, and some of the conversations I had with some of these people over the course of the congress helped mitigate and flush out some of our fears of some of the alternative and other messaging that was simultaneously occurring.
The afternoon was a breakout session on the environmental crisis and the gospel. Easy as pie, you’d think; that’s right up my alley. Well, the first half of the afternoon was helpful, in that the panel was predominantly made up of people from the Global South, many of them from island nations who have already seen massive changes in their countries during the lifetimes due to climate change, and many whose nations are at risk of disappearing due to increasing sea levels. However, the second half was an even smaller breakout group. Besides myself, one Dutchman and our of our aboriginal leaders (who isn’t fully a “Westerner” like myself), the rest of the session was made up of people from the developing world. Not a single other person from the West showed up (ahem-country-that-shall-not-be-named), though there was a sea of Indians, South-East Asians, Africans and Latin Americans present. Ironically, it was an American who led the session. By general consensus, it was a shallow ecological theology presented with little benefit to any of us. This was made all the stranger in that the Cape Town Commitment fleshes out creation care quite well (though we did not know that at the time). It left many of us deflated and uninspired, and, frankly, feeling that the country-that-shall-not-be-named really didn’t care very much about the theological and justice issues surrounding climate change affecting the rest of the world. One Nigerian fellow I had dinner with shrugged his shoulders and told me, “Well, what do you expect? They are paying for it.” Many others were shocked at this amount of apathy in light of the country-that-shall-not-be-named in allowing the paradigm to be shaped and managed from their point of view alone.
Certainly, I could fully admit from my side of the border, that in general the Canadian church emulates a lot of what that other nation’s church trends are for the worse, in my opinion. (That being said, there were definitely some heartening things about the Canadian delegation that I’ll mention later).
So, Tuesday was a grand slam outta the park in the morning, but gradually dwindled to less than a base hit by the end of the day. It certainly left me wondering why on earth I was even at this Congress, if the issue for which I was sent was being treated in such a superficial and globally useless manner.

FFT

2010-11-02T15:49:00.002-04:00

This was printed at one of the museums I have visited here in South Africa...

Dear Teacher:
I am a survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no person should witness: Gas chambers built by learned engineers, infants killed by trained nurses. Women and babies shot and burned by high school and college graduates. So, I am suspicious of education.
My request is:
Help your students become human. Your efforts must never produced learned monsters, skilled psychopaths, educated Eichmanns. Reading, writing and arithmetic are important only if they serve to make our children more human.

-Author unknown

South Africa V

2010-11-02T15:48:00.001-04:00

This is going to be an interlude in my musings re: Lausanne, mainly because my current conference is taking up so much time, that I’m having little time to reflect on my last one!
Today they took us on a short tour of Port Elizabeth, which, honestly, is not a touristy town, and, except for FIFA this year, likely isn’t high on the ‘must go’ destinations in this country.
However, they did bring us to the Red Location museum, found in the middle of one of the townships around Port Elizabeth. In and of itself, it was a highly moving museum. Currently, a huge portion of the museum is dealing with Steve Biko and his life and death. It is quite an astounding piece of work, dealing with the history and life behind the Black Consciousness Movement. There were panels that dealt specifically with Biko’s last few days before his death, his autopsy, and the findings at his inquiries that left me incredibly ashamed and embarrassed at my profession. Physicians throughout history have participated in shameful and inhumane acts against other human beings, though they are supposedly some of the most educated and wise among us. (Great quote on this later).
What I found most striking, however, is how this museum is found in the middle of a township. People had to be displaced in order to make room for the construction of this museum. Around it, they are building archives to store artifacts and documents relating to the apartheid struggle. Yet, all around, this complex of buildings is surrounded by corrugated tin shacks with no running water and no electricity. I spent some time with one elderly gentleman who was displaced during this construction, who worries that he will die before the government will give him compensation. I am sure he cannot help but look at all of this construction and wonder ‘why?’. The irony is further heightened by the fact that there is a reconstructed shack within the museum that you can wander through, to get a ‘real feel’ as to what it is like to live in a township home, when, not even 100 ft away, there are hundreds of them outside.
To be sure, it is very easy to see the specks in other countries’ eyes and miss the logs in our own. However, I have been struck by how ‘apart’ this country still lives. Wherever I have been, I have either seen an overwhelming number of black people, or else an overwhelming number of white people. Nothing suggesting a nice mix/majority black. And this has also been segregated based on the economic status of the neighbourhood I happen to be walking in. I wonder, being called the “Rainbow Nation”, if this is more a reflection of the fact that we draw our rainbows with distinct colour bands, none melting in and melding with the others. Since I’ve arrived here, I have been astounded by the energy of the church here, but I have also felt that there is a profound desire for deep justice to occur. Deep, penetrating, profound justice and reconciliation. But I also feel like, in the context of the wounds that are still quite raw in the country, there is uncertainty where to start with the healing balm.
It has also emphasized to me, again, that despite all of our best intentions and our grandest dreams, we are unable, on our own, to fix the ills of this world. By no means does this excuse us from not struggling and not fighting for good, to say that this is a lost cause and this world is so fallen from sin that it is incapable of grace. But as long as selfishness, greed and pride persist, all the education and policy in the world cannot save us…

South Africa IV

2010-10-31T16:20:00.003-04:00

So here are some notes I've jotted down to myself about some preliminary thoughts about the progression of the congress....

Day 1
Arriving in the plenary hall at Cape Town on the first day was close to overwhelming - a massive hall, with rows and rows of tables upon tables - like a sea of chairs by a shore of enormous Jumbotron screens. Just the sheer vastness took my breath away - to believe that this many people from all over the world were coming to celebrate Christ!
The opening ceremonies were beautiful. I loved how the dancers marched into the hall, not bearing the flags of all nations, but a variety of mono-coloured flags instead, demonstrating that the gospel is not an issue of nationalism, that no nation can take credit for the gospel, that we should not be divided based on citizenship or geographic location, but that we reflect the beauty and diversity of the globe. Wow!
Dancing, music, singing and a brief video of the history of Christianity swept across the stage and refreshed my memory at what a heritage we share, how God has constantly been moving amongst His people, even before Protestantism even existed, and how He continues to move today, despite history, despite humanity, despite various periods in time when we were convinced that the end times were nigh.

Day 2
The theme for the second day was truth and the notion of truth. This is where internal conflict started to rage. It was a very good challenge for me to be reminded of the exclusive truth claim that we make about the nature and person of Jesus Christ, and that we, loving this particular truth, should be eager and ready to speak of Him who loves us so. However, the subtle differences in the presentations of all the speakers that morning either left me with a bad taste in my mouth, a reasonable medium, or extreme guilt.
I suspect for those in the family who are most concerned about “truth” care most about the kernel, the core, the narrow centre of truth of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And yes, when they speak of absolute truth claims, then they are correct. However, wandering into the margins of the orb of truth, it gets a bit murkier. In what forms does ‘transformation by the gospel’ present itself? There are many who are ‘transformed by Jesus Christ’, but still are corrupt, still divorce, still consume much more than their share, and rationalize that they are covered by grace, and, in addition, do not consider deeply the effects of their everyday lives in the proclamation of the gospel. (Seriously - changing one CFL lightbulb in your home, thinking that that is creation care is spurious, at best). Others still emphasize the avoidance of only certain sins count (ahem, sexual sin in all its manifestations), and completely ignore others (inequity, injustice, etc) claiming either that these are covered by grace (aren’t all sins covered by grace?), or even moving towards the occasional detour into pseudo-prosperity gospel… I have always found that difficult; simply because I don’t watch porn and am not homosexual, yet perpetuate and participate in economic systems that insist on keeping the poor ‘in their place’ or allow systems for slavery to occur, or allow orphans and widows to fend for themselves, that I’m an “OK” Christian, or that God has blessed me so that I wouldn’t have to suffer too much hardship?
One speaker noted that the will to win others can lead to an arrogance of claiming every aspect of the whole truth as exclusively ours which leads to the danger of hatred and mistrust of the other, and, in many contexts, leads to violence. The reality is, beauty, goodness, care of the land and people are not exclusively the domain of Christianity, though we act like we own it all (though it is, in fact, Creator God who owns all beauty and goodness in all its forms). In our arrogance, we tend to diminish the beauty that already exists, considering it inferior if it does not directly proclaim Christ to everything around it. I suppose this is partially why many artist friends find it hard to find their place in the church.
Following this was our initial regional gathering, where we met with the rest of the Canadian delegation, which was fabulous, though there was still too many of us around to meet everyone. The evenings were designed to highlight different areas of the globe, and the first night was Asia. Personally (uh, not that I’m biased), I thought it was the most well done of the regions. We had a very moving time of prayer for our brothers and sisters in China who were not allowed to come to join us, and we in turn were blessed with a song sent from them that was played for us. Furthermore, a moving testimonial from a young North Korean girl, whose parents fled with her when she was a child, but who subsequently died for the gospel, left me weeping and shaking. I don’t think she left a dry eye in the house, but I am sure for those of us of Korean heritage, it was all the more moving. Her father, so convicted by the power of the gospel, returned twice on suicide missions to tell his countrymen about Jesus. The first time, he was imprisoned for several years and managed to escape. The second time - well, this young lady had not heard from her father in over two years, so presumes him tortured and dead. Gosh, just thinking about her family’s love for each other, for their country and for God makes me all teary all over again.
As you can see, there were many high and low lights, already in one day. Swinging from, “Oh, how God loves humanity! How great His love, His purposes and His plans!” to “What on earth is with the arrogance, the distrust that some in the church have for everything that is not exactly according to their narrow understanding of theology? How maddening!” That’s how it was, but the extremes became even more so over the course of the week…

South Africa III

2010-10-25T15:21:00.003-04:00

I started working on this one on a word document a few days ago, so it's totally out of date, and my thinking has been modified by what has occurred subsequently, as it continues to do as I've been reflecting some more. This was my thinking on the Friday night:
I think I should probably relate a day if that helps at all to try to start to frame the discourse that has been going on. Why the Friday? Frankly, the first bit of the Congress seems so long ago now it’s hard to remember details - the long days, the numbers of people, the amount of mind-blowing is hard to detail. It seems, in many ways, that I have been here a very long time and have changed profoundly in many ways just from these few days away.
Friday, we started with Bible study, exposition and discussion from Ephesians, done by a fairly conservative guy, but his exposition was actually quite good and impactful.
However, this was followed up with an aggressive, urgent demand to individually commit to a UPG. Irrespective of what one’s agency focuses on, based on little knowledge of the individual UPGs, and only given four minutes to fill out the commitment form, it felt very rushed and aggressive.
This was followed by a lunch debrief with some Canadian friends on the delegation because of other issues that have come up over the course of the Congress. Solid guys. It was really good in sitting with them and talking about our uncomfortableness and our dis-ease with the nature of the discourse going on here. It was encouraging to sit with men who agreed that there are discourses and frames here that aren’t ringing true, that verge on unrighteous and narrow in their scope. I couldn’t bring myself to attend another unsatisfying multiplex and deal with sessions that would just tear my hair out, so God rescued me from that by having me bump into one of our young aboriginal leaders who was on his way to meet with a Latin American leader that I had planned to have supper with anyways. So off we went to find her, where she was in a car with a South African activist, when they told us to hop into the car for an “alternative Congress”. We hop into the car, thinking we were just going to hang out in a café and discuss theology and kingdom. Instead, off we went to the townships, seeing how the church is there as well, how poverty and spirituality and weakness and beauty all collide uncomfortably in the metal shacks of black South Africa. It was just about what I needed at this point in the Congress.
Back to supper, where talking with a Latin American about her struggles to see how this Congress has been relevant to her national discourse and to mine. That was also helpful to see how we wanted to push the boundaries of the discourse beyond the narrow worldview of traditional conservative American evangelicalism. Afterwards, another friend related how he had gone to a session that was dealing with the global trends facing the church over the next decade, listing items such as pornography in the top ten. He had asked at the end of the presentation why issues such as global poverty and economic inequity were not counted amongst the top ten issues facing the church today, yet pornography managed to make the list, with which he was completely dismissed and didn’t even have his comment acknowledged as a point to be made.
Encouragingly, the evening session was a celebratory service, focusing on Africa; it’s hard for it not to be celebratory if the African continent is involved.

South Africa II

2010-10-21T05:03:00.004-04:00

I think, for some, being here would be like dying and going to heaven. And in some ways, it does reflect that: many different tongues and nations are all here for the same purpose. It has been quite something to be in this place with people from over 200 nations. Every time you turn around, there is someone else from somewhere else, being someone incredibly exciting, and doing something incredibly exciting,
The other day, I was invited to the Asian-American party which was fun (though brief; most of us can barely get through the very long days!), though funny as how distinct we are as peoples one from the other. They thought I talked too softly - for those of you who know me, you have got to realize how funny that sounds...
It has been very challenging for me, certainly, in reconsidering where on the spectrum of evangelization vs. social justice I sit, and perhaps, where I should be sitting.
However, there has been a darker side to all of this. One of my friends here, I think has articulated it much better than I on his blog, but I can really only try to encapsulate it here. There has been much talk about how great the growth and vibrancy of the Global South has been, and how they, as the majority church now, have a right to be at the table. However, in form and content, though it tries to be inclusive, it is not. There is marginalization manifested in many ways at this congress, not just in terms of Global North/South relations, but across many other relationships that need desperate, deep, genuine reconciliation. To be fair, I think there are honest attempts in grace, but I think there are still so many different barriers and obstacles that the church still needs to overcome in order to demonstrate to the world that we are unified and that we love one another deeply.
This has been troubling my soul, over and over, for the past few days, and were it not for the fact that I verge on exhausted all the time, it would be lead me to question the nature of my faith.
However, a brief word of encouragement from a brother in Indonesia helps. A brother in Canada with a listening ear helps. A sister from Scotland helps. A brother from Sri Lanka helps. A brother in Haiti helps. A sister in Argentina helps. And this is where grace comes in. And where my soul, etched with the conviction that systemic and infrastructural evil needs to be abolished, finds solace.

South Africa I

2010-10-16T11:53:00.002-04:00

So here I am in South Africa and the buzz here is amazing! To this point, I've mainly been acting as tourist, though the game starts in earnest today.
I've done the typical touristy things here - gone to the Cape of Good Hope, visited Robben Island and the top of Table Mountain, etc., as any good tourist is supposed to do. Have been cooking dinners for good friends, and having a good time catching up with people from all over the world. It was funny; I thought I'd be a tiny fish in a very large sea (and, in many ways, I certainly am), but it turns out that many familiar faces are here in Cape Town, and though many of them are incredibly busy arranging meetings with their colleagues from across the globe, it is still reassuring to see their faces.
Yesterday was an orientation session for the small group leaders. As a small microcosm of what will start today, it was amazing! 600 of the delegates gathered, committing ourselves to help care for our small groups, help lead discussion and return feedback to those who will be writing the consensus statements. Hearing us all, from hundreds of nations across the globe, singing hymns was rousing, and realizing that I am sitting amongst GIANTS in their home nations, astounds me! Every single delegate at the Congress is this amazing, gifted, talented, passionate leader of the global church, and I still cannot believe that I am allowed to stand amongst such people!
It is a bit funny though; it's been hard to find people "like me" so far, but, by God's grace, it will happen. In that, I mean people who are clearly in the secular domain of life, and have little to nothing to do with faith-based ministry on a day to day basis. I love all the people who I know who work so tirelessly and unselfishly to do the various aspects of ministry that they are involved in, be it research, data gathering, strategic thinking, vision-casting, preaching, teaching or writing, but I am hoping that I will be able to find the people, like myself, that make up the body of believers that aren't involved in those aspects of church building.
Listening to some of my friends discuss their work in ministry with each other is admittedly intimidating. It almost makes me wish I had a doctor, or a foodie, around to talk about issues that I would have a better grip on, compared to diaspora ministry, UPGs, census taking, truth paradigms, etc etc.
At any rate, this morning I will be celebrating the Lord's Day with friends at Archbishop Desmond Tutu's church (gasp! I hear some people say - why on earth would you attend an Anglican church service?). Well, because St George's was brave enough to stand against the atrocities of apartheid, and was one of the nerve centres for the Marches of Peace in the late 1980s that helped lead to the downfall of apartheid. That's why. Breaking bread with those who have such strong bonds with the dark days of the past and with the need for hope for the future will be a deep honour.
To be honest, I am not sure how much time I will have to post during the Congress - days run from 0730 hrs till 2300 hrs daily! I suspect I will be tired, but happy. Missing all of you desperately, but with a glad heart that I have much family here.

Pre-Cape Town

2010-10-11T08:09:00.003-04:00

As per usual, I'll be posting from my voyage abroad. This one will probably be the first where I will predominantly spending time sitting in hotel and convention centre rooms for a whole month. So rather than "seeing" things (I can't believe I've been to the continent of Africa so many times and have not yet seen any elephants, and this trip will also be no exception to that rule), I'll probably be more likely reporting on what I've learned.
Two very large and important learning points, actually. The first will be the Congress, which most of the family would know well what that encompasses. And, I have to take back some of my snark from a few days ago - I still feel mostly that my local church still has no idea what the heck I'm going to (despite having had 14 months to start to figure it out), but at least they're glad I'm going to 'whatever the heck you're going to'. The second is a leadership development program that I'm in, started initially by the Rockfeller Foundation after UN Congress in Rio in 1992 to counter climate change. The Rockfellers aren't as involved in it as they used to be, but its goal is to train leaders in business, the academy, government, etc to develop skills necessary to coordinate and think about combatting climate change. The international component of the program is, providentially, in the same country as the Congress, within a week of each other. Very providential, as I didn't have to fly to two different countries just to go to conferences.
So that's it, for now. Not looking forward to a two day journey just to get all the way there, but am looking forward to a brief respite in the UK, and spending it with friends for a day before heading onwards.

Calling 911

2010-10-09T22:07:00.003-04:00

Fortunately, it's not often that I end up calling 911. I am, however, incredibly grateful for the 24/7 hard work and dedication of the dispatchers, police, paramedics and firefighters who end up responding to calls.
I kind of feel sorry for them, however, when I do end up calling them, since it's usually things that are totally random. Like tonight. Driving home only the DVP, I happen to pass by a cyclist. On the shoulder of the highway. Without lights (or a helmet, for that matter, but basically, without lights, he was almost invisible). Not even close to a semi-intelligent idea.
So I call the dispatcher: "Um, excuse me, but I just drove by a cyclist on the DVP. I don't think he should be there. It's probably dangerous."

Feeling like a Galilean...

2010-10-05T20:32:00.004-04:00

A week from now, I'll be on a plane heading out to South Africa via the UK. Joyously, it will be to meet with many of the brilliant minds of the church to discuss issues and confront challenges both within and without in the coming years. It's terribly exciting to think of the people I'll be rubbing shoulders with, the voices from all over the world and the renewed vision and zeal for the Kingdom that will arise from this family gathering.
People around me have been getting excited as well, and hurriedly asking me what else is left, how am I doing, what's going to happen. Churches have been asking me how I can help liaise with them on their attempts to connect with what will be happening in real time, while I am there, and they are here.
Sadly, however, the only place where I have barely heard a peep is my own home church. My elders keep telling me that prophets are not welcome in their own hometowns, so this shouldn't surprise me at all. And it doesn't. Yet, for the past year, it has astounded me at the profound ignorance and apathy that has gripped my local family about this congress, about the issues and about what the rest of the global family is thinking and doing. For a church that claims that it is missions-minded, it has obstinately chosen to navel-gaze, choosing not to participate in where we are going, what we are thinking and who we are becoming, staying in its time-warped and ethnocentric views of the world. Sigh.
Some of these other churches and people cannot believe that my church hardly cares that I'm going. They tell me how they wish they, or someone from their congregations, were going, and how they'd give eye-teeth to do so. I can believe it, sadly.
So it's slightly bitter-sweet, my getting on this plane. The family that greets me on the other side looks to greater things, and His greater glory. The family I leave behind will likely hardly notice I left, and likely will not care about the greetings and urgings that our relatives will urgently send back with me from Africa.

Farmer's almanac

2010-09-21T18:46:00.007-04:00

I guess part of the problem of being a dreamer is crashing and burning when reality smacks you in the face.
Case in point: I'm even getting jaded by the quirky and peculiar people of my little rural town.
Now, I'm not sure if it's me, or if it's just that simply that society has gotten more petulant, but, for highlights:

One man came into my emergency department (I'm going to emphasize this was an emergency department in a hospital; not a walk-in clinic, not a family practice clinic) telling me he hadn't had a poo in about 16 hours, basically since the night before.
"Besides," said he, "you guys are here anyways, so I thought I'd check."
"Well sir," I replied, "technically, I am only here to care for emergencies."
"This IS an emergency!" quoth he.
Suffice it to say, I quickly dispatched him from the emergency room. I warned the nurses if he showed up again, I'd give him a bowel prep, and will forever banish the notion of his being constipated ever again.

Another brought her adult daughter with a long-standing seizure disorder, worried that she was "about" to have a seizure... over the past eight hours. Wanted to 'drop her off' so our nurses could watch her overnight, 'just in case'. Ridiculous, thought I; my RNs are not Registered Nannies. Speaking to the adult daughter, who felt unwell, but certainly not definitely pre-seizure, was annoyed that her "overprotective" mother brought her in without asking her opinion on the matter - she herself felt well enough to manage at home, and certainly didn't feel she needed to be in hospital - dispatch.

One woman brought in her teenage son, that, not only had he already seen his family doctor several days before, and already had Xrays done, AND had another appointment with the family doctor the very next day, had a sore arm. Which was just a sore arm - dispatch.

The one legitimate thing I did deal with, however, was a true anaphylactic reaction - hives, swelling, throat closing, losing air, the whole kit and kaboodle. And it was great, cause we saved him (Though, admittedly, if the patient had been actually carrying an Epipen around with him and had been using it, it likely wouldn't have been as dramatic).

Another great interaction that I had was completely unexpected. One woman, who had gone for her routine mammogram a month ago, had been called back for special views, some unusual masses were seen, and it was recommended that she go for biopsy of those masses. I stepped in at this part of the story, so I arranged for her biopsies to be done on a semi-urgent basis. The patient then wanted to come in to speak to me. "Oh no," I thought, "she's going to rant and rave about how slow and incompetent I and the system are, or she's going to freak out and blubber all over me about how she's going to die, or something to that effect along that spectrum. Great."
Turns out, she was the first EVER rational patient that I've seen in this scenario. She's leaving for a short vacation tomorrow, so isn't able to accommodate a biopsy to be done for another week and a half. She feels that she would like to go on vacation anyways, as she figures, it's already been a month in the making anyways, and besides, if it does turn out to be bad news, she would have rather have gone on vacation while she still could. RATIONAL! Loved it. Cringing all the way to the clinic door, and finding a rational patient inside was a complete revelation.
But the story turns yet again; she then informs me that her faith is stronger than illness, and she is willing and able to handle whatever God throws her way - bravo for her! I then also reminded her that illness and death are but temporary things, to which she agreed and was even more satisfied in her decision to go and enjoy her vacation with her family. Kudos to her; she single-handedly reminded me that, like pearls in mud, sometimes there are people out there that make sense in the world.

FFT

2010-09-15T10:06:00.001-04:00

So, I realize that the weblink eventually may expire, so I thought I should re-print my article online for posterity's sake (I think they have the rights to the article for a certain amount of time, but as I'm not earning anything from posting, I think maybe this is OK?). The original link is at http://www.christianweek.org/stories.php?id=1012&cat=capetown2010 .

It is with surprise and delight that I find myself among the 50 delegates chosen to represent Canada at the upcoming Lausanne Congress for World Evangelization in Cape Town, South Africa this fall. Standing amongst this country's leaders in evangelical ministry and mission, I often wonder how I could have possibly ended up with such an illustrious group.

Certainly, my work is most definitely secular. My practice as a physician, my advocacy as a food security and agricultural rights activist and my studies in global public health broaden the base from which I approach global issues and mission. I don't work in full-time ministry; I don't work as a long-term medical missionary, and I don't have any official theological training.

However, the global purposes of God's Kingdom still run through my veins as my very lifeblood, as it should invigorate and energize the entire Body in its identity and purpose. Hence, my presence signifies those of us in the Church who are not the clergy, nor in "ministry," but those in the flock who devotedly and wholeheartedly follow the Shepherd.

God's global purposes are vast. He cares about the spiritually lost to come to and reconcile with Him, but He also cares about His Kingdom Come on Earth, as it is in Heaven. Issues of injustice, poverty, the environment, slavery and the many imbalances between the Global North and the Global South are also Kingdom concerns. The face of the global church is changing, and we in the West need to respond to these changes with humility and grace, understanding that it can no longer be an us/them mentality in global mission, but the flowering of partnerships and being companions on the journey together.

There is also much brokenness within the Church, and brokenness without in the world. The Church needs to consider not only how to reconcile the brokenness within itself, but also how to demonstrate with fierce love the uniqueness of Christ in a pluralistic, multi-religious world.

This is why this upcoming Lausanne Congress is so critical in our times. We live in interesting times, indeed, and our God continues to work His purposes out and invites all of us to join Him. We, as a global family, with our brothers and sisters all across the globe, will symbolically come together in South Africa to reinforce our core beliefs as evangelicals, to envision the evangelistic task that remains and to humbly commit ourselves to lives that are fitting for both the slaves of Christ and the heirs of Christ.

Each Lausanne Congress has been a watershed moment in how the Church understands its calling into the world and has transformed the way that the Bride has gone to fulfill her purposes in it. I anticipate nothing less from this upcoming Congress; God will do great and wondrous things through His people who are called by His Name.

I expect that I will wrestle alongside leaders from across the globe with how the whole church can and should bring truth and justice to the nations, how wide the mandate and vision of the whole gospel is and just how big and how loved the whole world is. I hope this vision, brought back to the Canadian church, will inspire it onwards to greater passion and greater purpose.

We should all be excited and privileged to live in such times, to have such hope, to hold on to such treasure and to be allowed to share it with others.

The Lausanne Canada committee invites all Canadians to participate in the global conversation that is happening, even now, and into the Congress. Together, by conversing and learning from one another, we can start to catch a glimpse into the mighty purposes of God in our world today.

Inspiring stress

2010-09-13T18:42:00.003-04:00

'Tis true: going to graduate school is quite a different phenomenon than undergraduate. Seeing as this is the first time (because I'm not promising it'll be the last!) around the graduate merry-go-round, this is interesting coming at it with the other undergrad degrees under my belt. It is really superb to be talking to profs as human beings, and meeting for coffee and meals, which is totally unheard of at the undergraduate level (unless something really dicey is going on).
However, one thing that has been a bit humbling to experience is the awe that is assumed to be my due, which is crazy, 'cause I'm such a big clutzy loser. Yet, much is expected of me, and I have already been given much advice by faculty members who have told me to aim higher, aim closer, aim precisely as to what is expected of me.
How stressful! They do remind me, as I was already well aware, that my education and my background inherently make this degree qualitatively different than it does for every single other student in my school. This puts additional pressure that is starting to make me a bit antsy, and brings up bigger questions: What am I doing here? What is the purpose? What is The Purpose in being here, and how does it help Kingdom come about?

The First Day of School

2010-08-30T21:27:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh, the newly sharpened pencils, brand new binders, a knapsack with Dora the Explorer cleverly going on an adventure on the front.... just kidding.
What it really looks like for me is lugging my laptop, water bottle and lunch bag downtown for my first day of school (again, for the umpteenth time)! It really was like the first day of high school, or something like that - it has been so long since I've had to have a 'first day of school', I'd forgotten what it was like. Certainly, in my program, 90% of us are women, so it's made early bonding way easier.
There is something inevitably exciting about starting a new school year, however. The possibilities seem endless, the opportunities abound, the thinking and knowledge and intellectual challenges required of me almost make me swoon with delight. Obviously, this time around, it's not going to be all beds of roses - there's slightly more at stake, I now have way more responsibilities and commitments than I ever did previously, and much is expected of me. Whoa. Well, one or two credits at a time, I keep saying to myself, plod along, keep cracking at it, and it'll be done wayyyy down the road.

Seek the welfare of that city

2010-08-22T16:58:00.003-04:00

It's been a bit hectic, running from province to province in this country over the past few weeks. That being said, being most recently in Winnipeg had me reflecting with others on the raison d'être of the city.
It has seemed to be, at least among some segments of the people that I know in my own city and in other places in the country, those that are upwardly mobile in career aspirations and income, are gradually moving out to the suburban areas of the city. Others I know, who are much more diverse in their work, incomes, and forms of what "family" is defined as, are choosing to live, work and play in the urban areas of the city.
Yet another friend, who is intending to move back downtown to the city, after living in the suburbs for several years, has been strongly encouraged to stay in the suburbs, as it is "cheaper", "safer", "better property values"....
It begs several questions: Is the city simply a utilitarian vehicle, a place where you come to earn and spend money, but have no emotional investment in, have no civic engagement, cannot suffer with it, as you sleep and 'live your life' elsewhere? If so, then I have no issue with downtown workers living in suburban areas. However, if the city is something that you love, something whose welfare you seek, something whose people and issues and mess and diversity is something to embrace and cherish, then choosing to live elsewhere and ignore the needs and demands of the city, to me, is questionable.
It also asks: Is it really cheaper, safer, etc? Cheaper per square foot, perhaps, but cheaper in terms of transport, in terms of engagement with your neighbours, in terms of time spent going from place to place? From the census data, the only truly safe place to live in Toronto is in Rosedale/Bridle Path area, and everywhere else in the city has had crime in it. But (in terms of begging for more questions), is it the role of the Christian to choose not to live in those places, to flee to "safe", homogeneous areas, or, again, is it to suffer with and love the city?
It is understandable how buffoons like Rob Ford can pander to the electorate - by choosing to target the beautiful messiness of the city and to elevate and enshrine the entitlements of the suburbs, it speaks to those who, at bottom, do not consider themselves part of the lifeblood of the city.

I could do this for a living...

2010-08-08T19:01:00.003-04:00

So this past week marks a few milestones for me: I've had my first article published, and my first paid gig as a speaker. That's pretty cool on several fronts.
Now, it wasn't some medical research paper published in a journal - that, I've done before. But it was a short article about missiology and changing norms in the evangelical world, so that was cool. They were even gracious enough to send me a few copies.
My second stint was at a conference/retreat this weekend, where I was asked to speak about the intersection between food and faith. That was also really cool. It was a basic international food justice issues 101, really, with a resounding reminder as to why the children of God must care about land, place and space. Not just caring about individual souls, but also for all of creation, as the "gospel... has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven."
I could seriously do this for a living. It is way more intrinsically interesting than clinical work.

Fishing the high seas or pillaging the oceans

2010-07-25T20:28:00.008-04:00

I've been out of commission for a bit, for various reasons that I'm trying to shake off, though it's not working terribly well.
However, one thing that I have been doing is finally finishing various books sitting in my bookshelf that I have taken much time (years, in some cases) to actually complete.
One book that I'm working through is Taras Grescoe's BottomFeeder. This is all the more embarrassing in that I've actually met him, he's signed my copy of the book, and we've discussed fisheries. At any rate, I suppose some would say better late than never.
It's helped clarify some of my hesitation around the ethics of seafood, and reconfirmed my cessation of the eating of shrimp, salmon, cod, etc. Taras has, in fact, written a great book - what some call the Fast Food Nation (Eric Schlosser) of the sea. Incisively talking about the horrible effects of shrimp farms on the watersheds, mangrove forests and rice fields of India and Southeast Asia, let alone the lack of scruples in the processors in treating shrimp with Borax and other foul chemicals to keep them looking nice and pink and preventing them from rotting. The discussion around the Norwegians' treatment of the BC coastline for their salmon farms, and how they have destroyed their own coastlines, bringing them to come to BC to destroy ours. How Canada almost led the way to the razing of the oceans by our spectacular collapse of its cod industry 20 years ago. How the Chinese and the Japanese, if they don't start seriously thinking about their pillaging of the oceans, will eventually cause the destruction of their very cultures. It's quite chilling.
Ironically, I went to dinner with a friend recently, and they really wanted to eat sushi. The idea of this, though I previously loved eating sushi, and then, after that, became hesitant to go, now makes my stomach turn. I'm afraid I'm down to the vegetarian udon soups and vegetable maki at sushi restaurants in order to be responsible to my Creator and His creation...

I give you 50 cents, they give you 50 cents....

2010-07-01T21:54:00.002-04:00

Now, one thing that is truly hysterical about Asians (myself included) is how far we will go to get a deal. Now, sometimes it veers into -this is not funny anymore, now you're just taking huge advantage over someone else- territory, but most of the time, it's just damn funny.
Point: one local theatre finished its new renovations and was offering "free" movies (though it was collecting donations for a charity of their choice) today. Well, guess what: it was packed with Asians. It was actually on the verge of ridiculous. Some of us met up in the line, and I got there a bit late due to bike troubles, but when I arrived there, no joke, 80% of the line up were Asian people. OK, one weekend before, they were hardly around for the G20 protests, but, oh man, you give them free stuff, and they'll be there on the double! Some had even arrived with their own portable chairs to sit in line, that's how hard core we're talking.
The first (yes, we saw a few - hey, it's free, what do you want us to do? We are what we are - shrug) movie we saw was "How to Train your Dragon" (which, btw, was incredibly cute, and now I want a dragon too), and we were literally swimming in a sea of Asians in the theatre. Which made us all laugh in our seats, seeing everybody else, just as we were, as we knew exactly why we were all there.
I am sad to report, however, a few other things of note. The donation box that was out in the lobby was not stuffed full as far as I could tell (which doesn't surprise me, considering the demographics of who showed up for the movies). Also, the second movie we saw was an environmental defence documentary, of which, contrastingly, we were the only Asians in the room. Both of those small, yet noticeable, things made me a bit sad about other tendencies that we tend to have as a large megabloc of people....

FFT

2010-06-27T06:50:00.005-04:00

OK, this is actually a FFT that I wrote myself, but the protestors from the G20 summit have really riled me - this is the FB status that I posted yesterday, and that one friend pointed out was not unlike a 'reverse Beatitudes' - high praise indeed! :

[I am] now really angry at all the garbage happening in my city... praying that the police officers will be all able to safely return to their families when this is all over, BUT....
- for the police officers that are heavy-handed and overstepping their boundaries - shame on you.
- for the idiots who have come to my city and destroyed its downtown, burning cars (and exuding fossil fuels) and vandalizing buildings (requiring more resources to rebuild), you make me EMBARRASSED and ASHAMED to be part of the movement - shame on you.
-for the G20 leaders (who are having a likely delicious meal prepared by Ryan and his compatriots) who choose not to act justly in the interests of all peoples of the earth - shame on you.
- for all the poseurs and voyeurs who have just gone downtown to take photographs and videos but do NOTHING to protect our city - shame on you.
- for those who on the left who claim this will all be the police's, multinationals' and G20's fault - we all know this to be untrue - shame on you.
- for all the multinational corporations that continue to act in ways that provoke people to such anger in the first place - shame on you.
- for all the (predominantly) white college kids I'm seeing wandering around, pretending to represent the Global South and the desperately poor - how do you think you managed to fly all the way here and buy the items you needed to wreck my city?? - you do not actually stand for them- shame on you.
- for the media that is running around trying to get as much footage of burning cars and police action, reveling in the violence, but not sending us clear messages as to what the protests and the G20 are about - shame on you.
- for all of you jerky anti-social types that think that you can just cause chaos and ugliness just because you can - shame on you.
- for those of you who torched cars, only blocks away from where families I know LIVE with their CHILDREN - shame on you.
- for those of you who vandalized the CBC van - you (likely American) idiots - you just vandalized the public broadcaster, not a multinational news agency - you idiots - shame on you.
- for those of you who will say this is all Harper's fault - this is only partially true - and I will remind you that the creation of the G20 was a Liberal idea - the cancer is in ALL of us - shame on you.

Righteous anger

2010-06-26T21:02:00.002-04:00

This weekend, the G20 meets in Toronto. Now, the origins of the G20, its mandate and purpose, and its methods are all very problematic. What they represent, indeed, is concerning for many people of the planet. They do choose to work outside of the United Nations, effectively weakening the UN and its mandate to represent the interests of all nations on the earth. I do think that their emphasis on economic growth (for themselves exclusively) and half-hearted attempts at dealing with urgent justice issues (like HIV/AIDS and maternal health) is focussed a bit wrongly.
I understand how there are many who are angry, though for a myriad of different reasons, at what the G20 represents: it represents disproportionate power and disproportionate wealth.
However, what has been going on for the past twenty-four hours makes my blood boil, and makes me embarrassed and ashamed that I would even label myself as part of the movement. I am sick of hearing stupid little college kids saying that they are standing in solidarity with the Global South, and that it's the multinationals who cause all the violence, so they are justified in breaking windows at Starbucks. Gimme a break. I am sick of the excuse that because it is 'their' fault, 'our' actions are justifiable.
I went to an anti-G20 rally yesterday, hoping to be inspired to seek a different, better world, but found that it was just railing against their perception of what reality is, but offering no real practical alternatives, and only offering that another world is inevitable, possible.
Bah. The cancer is in all of us. Watching people that had flown in from around the world, railing against the oil and gas companies made me realize the futility in that, if one is not willing to acknowledge the cancer is in you, too. Watching aboriginal leaders saying it is all the government's fault, but not taking some responsibility for their own communities. Watching labour leaders saying it is all the multinationals' fault, but not taking responsibility for their own actions that account for how well (or not) the company will run. Watching activists saying that everyone deserves to have a good job, but then refusing to acknowledge that business plays a role in people getting jobs.
Ultimately, of course, it is sin which is the cancer that lies in each of us. And ultimately, these policies, meetings, protests, etc, will lead to nothing until there is actual transformation of the human heart. Until we recognize that we are all in this together, and we cannot do it alone, not without God. Until we recognize that God has given us the right to have dignity, but also the responsibility to provide dignity to others.
Today shows the lack of dignity that everyone has shown to everyone else. And this breaks my heart; if the church had stepped in a few decades before and had used its voice to speak on behalf of the voiceless, we likely would not have gotten to this point. But the Body's silence also speaks volumes...

Makes you get all racist against redneck white trash, don't it??

2010-06-11T18:32:00.003-04:00

I think I have to relegate it to my going through another bout of nightmares, and being over-tired to reacting so emotionally today.
It's quite a common occurrence for health care staff to get verbally abused by patients - it's par for the course, and eventually you kind of get immune to all the complaints and yelling. Today was no different - we had a patient who had been waiting for 90 minutes in the emergency dept (I'm going to point out they'd only waited 90 minutes in an emergency department), and they had even gone home in between to get a bit of lunch (so technically they hadn't even waited for 90 minutes), who started getting verbally abusive, going through the regular rants of how incompetent and lazy we are, how they pay taxes and deserve better treatment than that, etc etc. Par for the course. No big deal - I quite pointedly stated that there are other patients, sicker patients, we'll get to you when we get to you.
Eventually, of course, they're chewing out the nurses, starting to become physically aggressive and starting to vandalize the emergency department. We give them another warning - but again, no big deal, still par for the course. Normal behaviour, nothing terribly unusual on a day to day basis.
They then pull out the big guns and start calling us very unladylike names (along the lines of dogs, crude anatomical structures, prostitutes, and the like), which then got me justifiably angry, so I called the OPP to escort them from my emergency department.
Which, of course, made them decide to leave before the cops arrived. But on the way out, they reminded me that I'm just a Chink, and that I should just go back to my country, 'cause people like me don't belong here. (See, that's making me cry again just typing it out). After they left, I couldn't finish my report to the OPP because I was crying too much, and one of the nurses had to give the report.
And that's the crazy thing: I can take verbal abuse, I can take crude language, and dish it out equally, but that (besides being incredibly inaccurate and ignorant, not being Chinese and being born here to boot) just cut me through. And I'm not sure why having my femininity challenged is something that can get me angry and react for justice, but challenging my racial identity makes me so upset. I think perhaps when you hear 'bitch' or 'whore' heard many times in different contexts (including in music and regularly on the street), it becomes relatively meaningless. However, words like 'nigger', 'jap', 'chink', 'paki' and the like bear so much weight and oppression on them, that they are heavy slaps in the face that draw your breath when you encounter them. And they are oppressive terms: terms developed by the white majority to perjure the coloured minorities, and they have been used that way ever since.
The plus side in all of this is that this patient is now banned from seeking care in this particular network, and I explicitedly asked the OPP if that patient came back, and I slugged them in the face, would that be a problem, and they didn't seem to think so, then that's helpful :).

Exfoliating epidermis

2010-06-05T07:16:00.002-04:00

One thing you need to know about Koreans; they like to exfoliate. A lot. Scrub right down past several layers of dead epidermis to get down to the clean layers.
After returning from Haiti, I'd been feeling particularly dirty and knowing that I bore the dirt and grime of several cities and countries. I'd heard that Korean sauna/spas offered body scrubs in NYC, so I figured there must be some equivalent here, so I found out that yes, we do have one here in the city. So, off I went, sweated and rehydrated in the sauna, and then went to get my epidermis removed.
You know that scene in the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe series where Edmund becomes a dragon, and in order to be returned to his original shape, Aslan has to scratch and tear at his dragon flesh to get to the soft boy flesh underneath? Yeah, that was it. It was pretty awesome. I know people usually tell me that I have good skin in the first place, but it is particularly amazing to me now, like I had lost all my dragon scales and returned to human flesh. I'm afraid they've gotten themselves a repeat customer....

Using the same vocabulary

2010-05-30T19:34:00.003-04:00

I am so very chuffed; I get totally excited by our missions conference every year, to be sure, but this year is particularly so. I mean, the people who organize it always come through with some of the most incredible people in our world today, and it is a privilege to be in their presence to learn and engage with.
However, this is the first time in a long time, that I am hearing people speak the same language as I. No, not that nobody has ever spoken English to me before, but it is as if this vocabulary, this language, these semantics, these nuances and expressions are coming through piercingly sharp and clearly in focus. It is almost as if you manage quite well through life with 20/20 vision, and one day, your vision improves to 20/10, and the edges are more crisp, the vision is clearer than air, the colours even more vibrant. It is as if your visual comprehension of the world comes through in technicolour and beyond.
It is this way now. It is as if they are speaking what I say in my heart and my mind every day. Discussing with one of them strategies for the Kingdom, and speaking of what I understand, he stopped me and said, "You are speaking our language!", to which I laughingly replied, "But you are speaking mine!".
It is profound, to resonate with what one hears. I feel like a tuning fork, forced to quiver at the exact same frequency that is rumbling through the earth, the mighty rumblings of God and His righteousness and His justice upon the earth.

Haiti IX

2010-05-14T13:51:00.003-04:00

Haitian Creole is a language unto itself; it is a mixture of French, Spanish and other conquerors' languages, created out of necessity by slaves from all sorts of different people groups out of Africa, desperate to find some means of communication amongst themselves that the 'blans' couldn't fully understannd. For, you see, the French were quite smart; they split up families and people groups, so, like the Tower of Babel, these new slaves wouldn't be able to communicate with one another and perhaps be able to plan and plot to overthrow the oppressor.
I am finding I can understand the general gist of conversations going on; I even found I could keep up with a sermon (in a service where I preached a mini-sermon of my own) in Creole. However, I'm only picking up about 60% of what's being said...

Haiti VIII

2010-04-29T13:47:00.001-04:00

I know I've mentioned this before, but being able to authentically start crossing cultures, by being humble and choosing to learn, rather than informing cultures what to do and how to do them, stripping them of power and dignity, is an incredible gift. I myself am not great at it either; I hope and pray that I hold myself in a learner's position. I know that I am not good at listening humbly to my own culture; I feel like I am perpetually gouging out the log in my own culture's eye and prophetically (or, some would say, obnoxiously) speak perpetually about our own logs. I have been trying to understand the Haitian's point of view here and struggling between two cultures. Being the only person in the group who is, not able to speak to heart language of the Haitians, but able to converse in a language more easily spoken by them, leaves me in a vulnerable position on the team, as there is a sense I am on the "side" of the Haitians.
However, there are no sides here, though lines are being drawn. I know I tend to want to fall under the authority of national partners, rather than imposing my culture's point of view.
To me, my observed experiences thus far of agencies here shows the continued imperialism and arrogance that we in the West are constantly accused of (and in fact practice) when we are invited (or not) into other countries to serve them.

Haiti VII

2010-04-29T13:41:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we went to a clinic in a village, and held it in the local church. It was stifling in there, as the building was enclosed and had a tin roof. You know there's something wrong with you when you step outside of a hot building and think, "Ah! What a refreshing day it is outside!", when it's actually 37C outside. It's gotta make you wonder just how hot it was inside the building in order to make 37C "refreshing".
However, that's not the point of the post. Our clinic was interrupted by screams and yelling outside (never a good sign). We found ourselves witness to a domestic assault, with the man beating the woman with a chair and a bicycle. We were advised to not get involved, and some of our translators and others relatively quickly dissipated the conflict. However, there were certain aspects about this that disturbed me (and not just the fact that I was prevented from participating in some greatly anticipated vigilante justice). One, many of the young men and boys were standing around and watching. And choosing not to participate. If men choose not to participate in administering justice, then they are continually and consistently choosing injustice. Secondly, one of our (male) team members patiently explained to me that there may have been reasons and justifications for his actions that we cannot know and that we cannot judge.
Hence, I suppose, that we can allow pedophilia, suppression of women, domestic violence and rape to continue, as we cannot know the hidden conflicts ad stresses that drive men to do such horrible things to women. Talking to one of the ex-Christians here, the lack of pursuit of a true, deep justice is one of the reasons why the Church is so very flawed, and 'logically' also, it's leader. That breaks my heart.

Haiti VI

2010-04-28T17:28:00.000-04:00

You can tell that Haiti was at one point in its history, a beautiful country; there is much coastal land and mountains. But one can also see what (for a MYRIAD of reaons) poor judgement and wisdom have done here.
Much of the land, previously lush and fertile forests, is denuded of trees; 98% of the land is deforested, it has one of the highest rates of soil erosion, and this year's current crop is being threatened as the rainy season has yet to start (though that is a small mercy, in some ways, as many Haitians and NGOs are working to get their homes/tents to higher ground).
Now I have never been to another Carribean country before, so I suppose I cannot compare, but it seems to me that there is a tragic beauty here, a faded past that I hope one day can return.

Haiti V

2010-04-28T17:20:00.000-04:00

I'm a bit conflicted here on a lot of different levels. I feel like I am violating many of my fundamental principles of how I understand justice, missions, global dynamics and politics, and equity. And I don't think it's in a good way, in a kind of "Oh, God's really stretched me to reconsider the boundaries of His love and His grace", rather, I feel that I am compromising, shrinking, oppressing and contributing more to the net suffering of the world rather than alleviating some of it.
I don't know yet, this early on, if that will change, and God will provide some great grace from this messiness that I am an accomplice of.
This will likely not make much sense to many of you, and I'd likely spend years trying to explain it, and I highly doubt even my travelling companion would bother to get it. We shall see if God's great grace comes shining through, or if He chooses to withhold redemption at this point.

Haiti IV

2010-04-28T17:13:00.000-04:00

Faith is one of those funny things; it is so nebulous and unexplainable sometimes that it's overwhelming, sometimes so incredible and preposterous in light of what reality seems to demonstrate. I think faith is definitely a gift, but also sometimes a gullible naivete. I wonder why, when I look at the Bride, so gawdy, so fat and greedy and ugly, unmerciful and unjust, how I can continue to doggedly follow the carpenter from Nazareth? I am not sure most days.
This is not some pathetic cross-cultural shock of some sort, but in considering how to go forward, how to press on towards the goal, how to proclaim the Kingdom's coming, it begs the question: how does one follow the man of Galilee, the King and crucified One?

Haiti III

2010-04-25T09:11:00.001-04:00

It is no easy task to bring acute relief in any form, medical or otherwise. People often wonder, both from donor and recipient nations, why aid often seems so slow in coming, that it seems that only the privileged few have access, etc.
One needs to realize, as I have, that the task is enormous. Even if there are supplies and donations available, how can one transport them into the country? Once it does, how can one ensure that corrupt officials do not deny entry, ask for 'tariffs' or bribes, or that you can actually collect your goods? After this, how does one transport the goods if one does not have a reliable source for a vehicle, diesel fuel, nor have the infrastructure for roads or airstrips? How then does one decide where the aid goes if you don't understand the culture or the societal structures that govern the group? How can you ensure that the most vulnerable get the aid, when it may just be the family members of the most powerful or influential? These are not easy questions, and oftentimes you are left sleeping with the enemy to at least have some aid to go somewhere to someone...

Haiti II

2010-04-25T09:04:00.001-04:00

I think the cliche is true; you can't believe it till you see it. Now, I am no advocate for disaster tourism, but being driven through the heart of Port-au-Prince and seeing teetering precarious buildings, piles of rubble and the vast fields of the tent cities was unreal. Kind of like the unreal in seeing the vestiges of the 2004 tsunami, or the realities of starvation in northern Africa, or the lot of women in the Middle East, or the teeming masses in China. But you get what I mean.
There are a few other things that I also find astounding here; I have seen many multinational corporations here with their HQs being immaculate, strong buildings, next to tent cities - one has to ask themselves whether the corporations are more interested in cashing in on this poverty and the millions of dollars in aid sent here (for they are, on the most part, major vehicle makers from around the world, which is critical for the NGOs to do their work), rather than actually investing back in the people and the nation.
But I also see the resilience here: make-shift markets are happening, even in the shadow of very collapsible buildings. You can, unfortunately, see the starting of permanence in some of the tent cities (oh!!! But the blatant lack of security in those tents for the women and children in this country!). I don't think, however, that many schools have yet opened again...

Haiti I

2010-04-25T08:59:00.001-04:00

I'm supposed to start this with a disclaimer: The opinions expressed on this blog are purely those of myself. In no way, shape or form does this necessarily align with the opinions of my traveling companion at all - he'd just like to make that clear. :)

En route, it became increasingly obvious that there were many other aid workers of various stripes heading down to Haiti. One thing I must mention, however: there were certainly a ton of the evangelical kind. Which, of course, in and of itself is not a bad thing, seeing as I'm one of those myself. What I could not abide, however, was how blatantly obvious that they were: T-shirts blaring "missionary", or "God is coming to Haiti", or "Christian mission" - all of them in gaggles wearing the same tribal colours to self-identify themselves.
These types of Christians creep me out. To me, it denotes utter lack of humility and wisdom; who says that one group or another has the monopoly on deciding who gets to bring God to town??? Would they even have the gall to wear such kind of gear if they were going to such places as China or Saudi Arabia?? I would hope and pray not. However, if bearing that bare minimum of knowledge of cross-cultural sensitivity, you'd persist with that kind of behaviour just because it's Haiti, that shows a breathtaking amount of cultural arrogance....

Gone earthquakin'

2010-04-22T21:46:00.002-04:00

We'll be off within the next 30 hours or so to Haiti, so for those of you eagerly anticipating another round of real, legitimate PFTEs (haven't really had a set since China, I think) will have to wait for a little longer. As you can imagine, internet access may be a bit spotty; I have every intent of blogging about our adventures while we are there, but if WiFi access is tight, then it may just result in a huge deluge of postings when we return...

Why locality is so critical...

2010-04-21T19:18:00.004-04:00

What I haven't really been able to comprehend in all of this discussion of the ash cloud over Europe is how business and industry have been slamming governments' decisions to close airspace. The closure of airspace, though inconvenient, was precautionary in order to prevent unnecessarily stupid deaths in airplane malfunction.
However, all we've heard from industry is how this was 'short-sighted' and unnecessary. Excuse me? What I cannot understand is why the media is allowing it to have press conferences expounding how European governments don't know what they are doing. We all know industry has an obvious agenda; the longer the planes are on the ground, the more money that they lose (oh, boo hoo). That is the only reason why they want the planes in the air - they want them for the money, irrespective of whether scientists don't think that airplanes are necessarily safe to fly and may actually endanger life - as long as the almighty dollar rules, planes will fly, lives be damned.
What I also cannot fathom is why the critical questions of globalization are not being brought to the forefront - there are good reasons why those of us who advocate for supporting local business, local farmers, local artisans and local industry do so. Not only because we support our neighbours and our communities, but also because the supply chain is short. I do not worry that I will not put food on the table, as I know I can easily reach the farmers who create my food. However, apparently fish supplies have been worrisome here in our city as they could not be imported, via Europe. Excuse me? We have plenty of fish here - what is wrong with it? Flowers have been rotting in Kenya, and thousands of Kenyans have lost jobs and hope, as flower factories there (don't even get me started with the labour abuses, environmental destruction and social chaos these factory farms have caused in Africa) have been unable to export to the European and North American markets. Excuse me? What is wrong with the flowers we grow (in season) here?
Ach. Human nature. Soon, we will forget of these small inconveniences, and few people, let alone businesses will critically analyze from just how far away all the things they think they 'need' come from...

FFT

2010-04-18T20:09:00.001-04:00

The Seven Deadly Social (as opposed to 'carnal') Sins

Politics without Principle
Wealth without Work
Commerce without Morality
Pleasure without Conscience
Education without Character
Science without Humanity
Worship without Sacrifice

-Mahatma Ghandi

Black, white and the gray points in between

2010-04-11T22:20:00.005-04:00

A friend of mine today was explaining to me that life was actually quite simple. Really?
He assures me that all decisions and situations in life come down to black and white paradigms, so life actually is quite easy to navigate. Really?
I suppose it is true: if you can see the world in a simplified black and white dichotomous paradigm, it would be easy to cruise through life. You're wrong, I'm right. This is bad, that is good. This stays, that goes. I'm in, you're out. Easy.
However, the overwhelming evidence demonstrates to me that life, decisions, circumstances, situations, etc are rarely as easy as a binary choice. There are always shades on the gray-scale that mitigate and modify choice. Being able to distill the liquor of life to two options is something that proves elusive to me.
Take something that I do for a living: teen pregnancy. Sure, getting pregnant out of wedlock, when you're certainly not mature or capable of taking care of a child is incredibly unfair to the coming child. On the other hand, terminating the pregnancy because that would be the more convenient option is also seen as a 'bad choice'. On the other hand (the third hand), the option of giving up one's child for adoption, though seen as a 'solution' by some can leave the mother with scars of guilt and regret for years to come. On the other, other hand (the fourth hand), leaving the child to be raised alone by a mother who is but a child herself is also not ideal. Lots of gray all over the place on that one. Sure, you can be black and white, condemn the girl (but noooo, never the boy) for getting pregnant and telling her she should have had the moral fortitude (or at least the organizational ability to get on reliable contraception) to resist, but that doesn't change the fact that life happens anyways.
Sometimes I think black and white thinkers make it so, as it simplifies things greatly, and one doesn't have to take into account individual factors. I would love to think in black and white; I could have knee-jerk or rote answers to everything, and never have to consider other issues that would be game-changers. I suppose that could have me labelled as wishy-washy, or indecisive, but I can't imagine anyone accusing me of that...

I am actually quite normal, thank you.

2010-03-25T22:45:00.007-04:00

I find myself in a very ungrateful position, but it really must be said: I am getting quite weary of being told how amazing and/or incredible I am. Now, before you think that I'm that narcissistic that this is not enough for me, or something, there are a couple of components to this complaint.
One, there are a terribly large lot of women that I think are really quite amazing in their own rights. Women who do incredibly generous, skillful, talented things. I don't really think that I'm much better than many other women that I know of. I think, actually, that there are lots of other more fantastic things that other women I know are involved in and do - from freeing trafficked girls, to ministering to prostitutes, to organizing international conferences, to doing research, to speaking out against injustice in all its forms, to publicly role model for change, to changing policies, hearts and minds every day. That's amazing.
Second, I'm not sure that what I do is particularly amazing, per se, or if it's actually normal. We've been given finite amounts of time in this life, and we have been called to be ambassadors for Christ, so how does this excuse us to sit in our cubicles all day, go home to make supper and then sit around and watch TV? We have all been called to be and do so, so, so much more than this, such that, most of what I do, I feel, is not even maximizing the opportunity or the choice of what I am able to do in this world. We have all been given so very much, that wasting one's life on the trivial, the mundane, or the useless just seems, well, pathetic and wasteful.
Third, the other big issue is that I have only ever heard this from the mouths of other women. I have yet to hear that kind of validation regularly from men. I hear it quite a lot from women, over and over and over again. I am deeply appreciative, but I think women inherently recognize and validate worth when they see it, and attempt to dignify it by elevating it when it is needed. It would be nice to hear that kind of validation from the other side, as it's hard to know: Is it because I really don't deserve the accolades at all, or it's not recognizable and thus doesn't deserve validation, or it would just be too darn hard for men to actually dignify the women amongst them?

On a completely different note

2010-03-14T21:27:00.002-04:00

I'm realizing there are a scant few people that I know are regular readers of this blog. However, I do note that there are quite a few regular perusers, but I have no idea who they are, and many of them are right within my area code!
Please do drop a line, and let me know if you're reading - it's awfully encouraging to know that someone's paying attention out there!

Bring Food Home

2010-03-14T21:15:00.001-04:00

I haven't had much to write on, or at least anything that I'd be willing to post in public, for the last little while. However, I thought I'd muse on a very inspiring conference that happened two weeks ago now. Farmers, food activists, community advocates and others came together to talk about food in a new way. I think there was some real momentum there from everyone attending.
Since then, I've read in several newspapers of the rather depressing rightward-leanings that Canadians are heading to (which always happens whenever there's an economic recession - don't get me started on right-wing economical policies, 'cause that will just get me really upset), and the inevitable 'bubble' that's about to burst of the local foods/local economies movement.
However, it does point out to me the lack of broad-based appeal that's inherent in many social justice movements. One of the discussion groups I was participating in was the very real issue of racial diversity (or lack thereof).
Inevitably, the reality is that the majority of farmers in this country are white. There are many immigrants who wish to farm, but, due to their lack of capital, cannot invest in farmland (who can? Even young farmers I know can only dream of owning their own farm, mainly because of heartless, greedy developers and inane, thoughtless politicians) to pursue their dream of farming. Also, many ethnicities in the city participate in urban agriculture, though they would never label it as such, and to bring them to the table to broaden the scope of how food reaches us and our plates, would be awesome. There's also the reality that many of the people participating in social justice movements are those people who have already secured their wealth and their positions in society, or they are the children of those very same.
There's also the very real, and very scary, trend that second generational people move to the suburbs. They buy big homes. They buy big cars. They live the big life, far from soil, and land, and sky, and air. They live disconnected from the reality of good, strong earth, and live wired to concrete and fibre-optic lines.
As I always say, the biggest hurdle to overcome is this one. The reason why immigrants come here is so that their children will have big houses and big money and big comforts. "Besides, if I wanted to live in high-density housing, grow my own food and ride my bicycle everywhere, I would've stayed in my village in (fill in the blank country here)".
But this is the problem: those countries developed high-intensity networks to house, feed and transport people out of necessity. We are talking about doing that, not out of necessity, but to prepare for the inevitable reality that we will eventually have to. Until people of my socio-economic demographic start realizing that we are part of the problem, we won't participate in the solutions...

Going through open doors

2010-03-06T21:43:00.004-05:00

This whole concept of God "opening doors" is not very clear to me. I think sometimes it's a fallacy, really - just because everything happens to be going your way doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right way to go. I mean, broad is the path that leads to deception and all.
I find myself talking with the same vocabulary of looking to see if 'barriers fall' or 'doors open' when looking for things that are 'meant to be' or 'in God's will'. However, I don't necessarily think it's as easy as that. If life was super easy, and all one had to do was go along the path of least resistance, then shouldn't life be way less complicated than it really is? It almost sounds zen or new age-y when you talk that way, about following the path of least resistance, but for some reason, we talk the same reasoning, but use different semantics. Strange.
That being said, I too, over the past few days had been looking for 'doors to open' in order to follow what I really wanted to do. Seven, in fact. And, each of them had given way, one by one, over the short span of 36 hours, allowing me to be free to go. Go where? I'll report on that later...

Food, glorious food...

2010-02-26T21:03:00.002-05:00

This has been/will be a very busy Food season for me. Last week was the annual COG-Toronto conference, with me getting some fan-girl photos with Michael Schmidt and Percy Schmeiser, some of the most famous farmers we have in this country (hee hee, with me getting all giggly and groupie - one friend noted I'm the only person they know that wants my picture taken with farmers instead of rock stars, Bono excepted). A lot of emphasis on the evil of GMOs, of which I am slightly on the agnostic fence about, but a good conference overall. Followed by Seedy Sunday, which for me, always indicates the first sign of spring - looking forward to getting out and working the 'garden' again!
Last night, FoodShare kicked off its first ever, inaugural fundraiser, which was so lovely, and the energy was just awesome. I am so indebted to the generosity of the chefs in this city and our staff, who brought together an amazing assortment of delicacies and delights all under one roof! And then, to cap it all off, possibly one of the biggest Ontario food security conferences coming next week (yay! with more fan-girl photos to come!)!.
Certainly, it's been a lot of food, and a lot of fun... tomorrow is going to be rather tame, with me cooking dinner for a few good friends at their house, in comparison...

Seriously? I'm not that wise.

2010-02-14T22:13:00.003-05:00

It's not often that I get complimented on things. Not that I particularly mind, or am looking for validation; it's just one of those things. However, I received one of the best compliments ever the other night. I had some folk from church over for supper, and one guy was stunned to find out that I work as a doctor.
"Really?" he said, "I had always thought you were a theologian, studying to be a pastor, or at least a theology student!"
That's awesome! He had said he had just assumed that because of the way I talked and discussed things at church. He was then surprised to hear I had never been to Bible college, never been to seminary, and never taken any theological courses at all, which impressed him all the more.
I'm flattered (not that he meant it at all to be a flatterer). It's not quite being told that I clearly bear the fruit of the Spirit, and it could be understood the wrong way, in that I am so puffed up with knowledge, that I have no practical application of my faith. However, I definitely take it on the positive note, as that is very humbling to think someone thought I was wise enough to be a theologian. The indirect compliment on my brain was greatly appreciated; currently, he's sitting as "one of my favorite people" on the imaginary list of "favorite people" that I keep... :P

FFT

2010-02-07T19:21:00.003-05:00

This is really for my own interest, as it had been shared with me in a talk many years ago. I realize, as one develops more and more of a public voice, this becomes increasingly important. Even without forays into the public domain, these are still things to consider, especially as all of our private lives, whether we like it or not, become more exposed to the public domain... Perhaps philandering celebrities also should take these little tests into consideration as well...

To justify any action, one needs to consider:
1. Red-faced test: Would you be embarassed if others knew what you did?
2. Gold fish bowl test: Could you justify your actions if they became public knowledge?
3. Aristotle's test: Would you act the same in other similar cases?
4. Insomnia test: Can you sleep soundly at night with your decision?
5. Mother test: Would you act the same if it was your mom?

Shuddering with SDs

2010-02-06T17:16:00.003-05:00

I'm going to muse on and off this weekend, since I'm stuck in the hospital for 48 hours, so I've certainly got time to kill...
I remember being quite good at math when I was a kid. I even participated in math contests in high school, I was that stereotypically nerdy.
But seriously, since I finished those mandatory first year math courses in undergrad, I have barely done anything involving a calculator for years - I don't even do my own taxes!
So, suffice it to say, when I was told I have to have a mandatory undergraduate statistics course done before the end of May this year, I had a small frisson up my spine; I hadn't done any sort of math for over a decade! You'd think a modern, intelligent woman like myself could handle a stupid little undergrad course, but I'd been moaning and groaning in anticipation of horrid, complicated formulas that would make me go cross-eyed and even more myopic. And it's true; I'm still moaning and groaning, though through only the first one-sixth of the course, it hasn't been as horribly awful as I was afraid of. Sure, it's work, but I have to keep reminding myself that if some 19 year old pre-med keener can do this course, then so can I.

Break dividing walls

2010-02-05T21:44:00.005-05:00

While I was in the UK, I was considering the deep beauty and mystery of cross cultural missions. Not just in the example of people leaving to serve overseas, but just the deep reconciliation and understanding across gender, across colour, across ethnicity, across socio-economic class and culture.
There is something so heart-achingly beautiful in watching someone struggling to deliberately shed one's own skin and baggage in order to try to put on another one.
Perhaps it's because it isn't seen that often. Perhaps it's because it is far too hard. Perhaps it's because it is far easier, far more comfortable, to love those who are 'like'. Look like me. Talk like me. Eat like me. Dress like me. Walk like me. Socialize like me. Spend money like me. Understand the world like me. Hate the same things like me. Believe things like me.
We have been called to be bridge-builders, to be ambassadors for the ministry of reconciliation, to be those who stand in the gap, to be those who no longer see male nor female, slave nor free, Jew nor Gentile.
Yet we do see. And distinguish. And divide. So the question remains: how to bring that beauty, that mystery, of the power of reconciliation? How to be so humble that those dividers, those walls, are broken, to bring about true community, true Kingdom?

England II (but far and away)

2010-02-05T21:37:00.002-05:00

Had a lovely time in the UK - wonderful people that I think are some of the awesomest people on earth, lots of good food and fun and hopefully I contributed something useful to boot!
However, I was going to write about my flight home, cause my flight there was vaguely sucky cause I couldn't sleep, and there weren't any good movies on, and our flight took two hours longer than it really should have in the air for various reasons.
At any rate, not only did our flight leave right on time, but the food on the flight was actually yummy! And, which was even more awesome, the chicken tikka actually had an ingredient list on the package, and it was all food - no preservatives, no hydrogenated palm oil - all food! I was so very pleased. And then, there were two awesome movies I'd been wanting to see - It Might Get Loud, a documentary on three skilled and talented electric guitarists (Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge - you can take a wild guess who I was looking out for!), as well as Paper Heart (which actually kind of wasn't as great as I was hoping it was going to be). Then, I got to help in a medical non-emergency (thank goodness; I don't know what I would've done with myself if there was a real emergency - maybe pretend I wasn't a doctor or something), which was, I guess, a relatively soft way of getting back to work. The only downside is I didn't receive anything for my pains - an upgrade, a few air miles, something? Oh well.
And then, to boot, our flight landed early! I couldn't believe it; one of the smoothest flights ever (barring being bumped to First Class on my flight to Shanghai - that has got to be my best flight ever, though I spent the vast majority of it sleeping perfectly horizontally, which is why it rocked so much)!
Yay on British Airways! Good service, great flight.
Yup, I spent an entire blog post talking about how great the flight was. But it really was actually an enjoyable flight, and considering I don't actually love the sitting-on-the-plane bit of travelling, that's actually a good thing.

Avatar analysis

2010-01-19T19:24:00.002-05:00

OK, OK, I just really have to complain about this movie. It was really visually stunning and really, the movie flew by and hardly seemed like to the 2+hrs that it took to run the thing. Visually stunning, plot quite thin and obvious (c'mon! Unobtanium?!?! You work on a movie for 10 yrs, and that's the best name you can come up with for a new mineral????), but a completely entertaining movie...
At any rate, a few problems, which is probably why I don't watch blockbusters very much, nor action movies and the like...
The complete defiance of the normal laws of physics. I KNOW most actions films do defy physics on a regular basis (which is why shows like Mythbusters do what they do), but come on! Home Tree gets blown up, Na'vi get thrown all over the place, over tree stumps, up in the air, etc, but nooooo, when the evil colonel is getting into one of those machine beasts, despite the ship gradually blowing up, he can casually move around, and easily slips out of the ship as it is exploding. I don't care if you defy physics, as long as you do it consistently.
Also, I am concerned about this vision of the future: pretty much everybody (except for the token brown guy on the science team, the token Latina girl driving a helicopter, and one Sikh dude and a couple of black guys I saw in the recruitment scenes) is white. Is that the plan? Are all the other races going to be pretty much obliterated in the future? All of the main characters were white (well, or blue), and, really, if you're going to develop biotechnology/engineering/computer science-type things, and you have no yellow people on board???? What the??? How is that to be? How could you possible move on a large-scale project like this and have no Asian people at all? I find that incredibly hard to believe.
Yes, yes, suspension of disbelief is needed in purely-for-entertainment-and-flight-into-fantasy-type movies, but still....

England I

2010-01-17T09:44:00.002-05:00

Yup, back in England and back with the crew - it's funny, as desperately cold as I've been perpetually (you'd think I'd have learned my lesson from last year) since I've arrived, there have been some small mercies, especially in the form of a space heater so I can sleep. I was initially appalled at the pictures I was seeing people posting of scads of snow piled up all around, and was thinking, my goodness! I'm leaving Canada so I don't have to deal with scads of snow! However, mercy in the form of melting all the snow overnight yesterday was helpful.
It's also been incredibly awesome to see good friends again in the flesh - though the year has literally flown by, and facebook, Skype and messenger help in reducing the gap - it is indeed good to touch and see friends in real life.
And, as exciting as it has been for me to see friends and watch snow melt, that's pretty much all I have to report on!