Jordan VIII

OK, I suppose I must mention that I did make it to Petra a week ago, and it was BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING and INCREDIBLE (which it was). It was also neat to clamber up and down the rocks and do the "alternate route" all the way over to the ancient city, while checking out the Bedouin caves (where many still live, including a New Zealand-born nurse who married a Bedouin from here thirty years ago, when she came here as a tourist!). I couldn't remember for the life of me the Indiana Jones movie where it plays a prominent role, but certainly, we were busy singing, "dunh-da-da-daaaaaah, dunh-da-daaaaah, dunh-da-da-Daaaaah, dunh-da-da-Da-DAH! etc etc etc" while climbing around...
I'm realizing there are many things that I want to share here, but I recognize a public blog is not the place - there are stories that I think are really only appropriate for face-to-face time...
That being said, however, there is one I can peripherally talk about: I had been giving a few seminars on various topics pertinent to women's health here. One of the ones that I was particularly interested in giving was on domestic violence, as it is pervasive here (as it is everywhere). I had spoken on what it was, how one can identify it, how sadly and incredibly common it is worldwide, and how the cycle of abuse by perpetrators occurs. What saddened me is how some women smirked when I identified various actions that constituted domestic violence, as if they were saying, "What? That is nothing compared to what I get at home."... The additional point that I did have to make was how God feels about the matter, emphasizing that He made both men and women of equal value, worth and dignity, that He despises violence and that He was always been on the side of the weak and the oppressed, and that He, in fact, loves both men and women equally. Boy! That opened up a whole theological debate for quite a while: several women applauded and said that this was a good teaching, and others were not so sure: their imams taught differently from this, and so this could not be true. It was quite a lively discussion, which I think benefitted all who were in attendance... I am hoping, quite badly, that this may help to open minds to consider where the truth really lies, and may begin to empower women in this country for the better...

Jordan VII

One of the main things I've found that I've been doing around here is substitute English teaching. It's actually been quite fun, and funny, at times. One of my advanced English classes had to write "news stories" based on a few headlines that I had given them: some of the stories that came out of them were worthy of Bollywood treatment! One of the funniest was about these long-lost identical twins, one of whom had been taken to India when he was a baby. The other, as an adult, travels to India, whereupon he is mistakenly arrested for diamond smuggling. The original twin, also, is arrested for the actual crime, and the two become reaquainted in an Indian jail... after which the adventure ensued...
The other bit of this is the absolute CHEESE that comes out of some of my students' mouths: one of my beginner classes is exclusively young men. We were learning the names of colours, and, when asked to point out various objects that were different colours in the classroom, one young fellow puts his hand to his chest, and pronounces, quite dramatically: "My heart.... is red...", after which I could only roll my eyes and ask him to sit down...
Furthermore, what has been interesting is some of the health perceptions here. One woman I had seen in clinic was very reluctant to have me examine her, as she was terribly anxious that I would find some terrible disease. It took her friends another day to convince her to come back to see me and she was apparently unable to sleep. Overall, she ultimately was simply constipated. The absolute and utter joy she had with that diagnosis was frankly, bizarre. She was kissing the translator and I, and announcing to the rest of the waiting room that I was a "wonderful, excellent doctor" (obviously, she doesn't really know what she's talking about - she clearly is delusional). However, it does speak to the fatalistic, fear-driven culture here - that they would rather not know, and not find out, something that could easily be prevented and cured, as it would be insha'allah to interfere otherwise.
The degree to which fatalism plays into decision-making and lifestyle is sad, actually, as is the ability to believe in two completely contradictory statements simultaneously. One such example was a magazine article that I was shown about 'how to deal with women in the workplace'. Of course, as women are clearly temptresses and unable to control their abilities to seduce men, they really should not be in the workplace to lead men astray. However, if it is insisted that a woman should be working, then what the men should each do is suckle at her breast twice daily for five days at the office - this apparently will strengthen a "family bond" between them, and then they will be like mother and son, and work together accordingly. HELLO?????? I know I've heard many idiotic things in my life, but certainly, this is one of the most brain-stupefying things I have ever heard about, particularly in the context that they want women to be fully covered - but just not in this case - instead, it is a good idea for women to be fully exposed in public, and not only that, but violated in public at the workplace. Drives me absolutely batty... it does, of course, speak to the general perception of woman as maternal virgin/woman as seductive whore imagery that has been plaguing women for centuries... oh wait, I thought I wasn't going to start on issues of sexuality and gender here...

Jordan VI

So, I just went out into one of the wadis and spent the night out in a "traditional" (though modified for tourists' tastes) Bedouin tent. It was in a wadi surrounded by massively huge sandstone mountains, which were incredibly beautiful. Again, not a local woman to be seen all day and all night. Ate lovely food over the fire, tried playing the oud (which is a traditional stringed instrument - very beautiful to listen to, unless I'm playing it - then, it's just ugly and sad), given the tabla to play instead (which is a djembe-type instrument), which worked much better, saw some camels wandering through the desert (how picture perfect - a caravan of camels traipsing along a sand dune), got a marriage proposal (what a big surprise), and smoked some sheesha (though, I learned I apparently don't know how to breathe properly, as I couldn't get the nargileh to work and somehow got the coals to burn out, which is the opposite of what it's supposed to do - that just figures; being told I don't know how to breathe...).
This brings up again the point of the dissertation I would write about sexuality here that completely baffles me, but I still won't. However, one of our stops was this huge 500m high sand dune that our guide wanted us to climb in order to admire the view (which, admittedly was quite breathtaking). Well, one of the girls, who runs marathons, clambered up OK, and the men wouldn't be eligible for "help" from the guide, so guess who needed help? Well, that would be, uh, me. Managed to get up about halfway, and wanted to take a breather, maybe some photos. Turn around and start climbing up again, and the guide comes up behind me, grabs my butt and starts pushing me up from behind. I'm, like, "Dude, that is totally OK, I don't need a bum-push up the dune, I'll get there in my own time"... This, combined with a marriage proposal, and getting literally leered at while wearing my baggy khakis, my head covered, and a T-shirt that is two sizes too big was just a little bit too much for me and my pseudo-feminist tendencies for one day...

Jordan V

I think one of the funny things about being abroad and meeting ex-pats are the gut-bustingly hilarious stories about things that they miss about home that they share - including missing Velveeta singles slices so bad (it being ridiculously expensive here, which is all the more odd considering it's NOT EVEN REALLY CHEESE - we're talking about $8 for those small packs with the 12 slices of cheese) that one friend here asked for one package of Velveeta cheese for her anniversary present (and is now considering asking for a package for Christmas :) )! Or about how one was missing a particular brand of scented candles so bad, that they brought a whole suitcase FULL back with them, and then had the customs agents individually smelling each lovely candle, with the scents of pumpkin pie, sugar cookie, french vanilla, etc etc wafting through customs at the Queen Alia airport... or how one person brought over a 10 lb ham in her carry on purse...
However, this is more for language learning today. Actually, I don't really think I know that much, but I am trying to use and learn Arabic as much as I can (I've already attended one Arabic class), and people around me are saying that I'm picking it up relatively quickly (so why can't I learn Korean or Spanish, then?).
So, I've already learned how to conjugate some verbs, how to ask for several different items, and some other useful phrases. But here's a small spattering of some phrases that I've been using over the past week or so:
shoukran: Thank you
Salaam alaykum. Kifkom: Peace be upon you. How are you doing today?
Biddi mayy: I would like some water please.
heloua tifil: what a beautiful baby boy.
la, ma biddi finjaan qafwi: no thank you, I would not like a cup of coffee.
Some of the other stuff I've learned is hard to transliterate into English without pronouncing it as well, and most of the other stuff is just random words cobbled together. I figure I've still got time to learn more as I go along...

Jordan IV

It is currently Friday, and thus the "rest day" of the week out here; hence, there isn't much to do, which has been a blessing, as I actually woke up at 10am this morning, and now have some time to write before I'm off for the day.
I think the more I travel, the more I realize at how deficient I am in various areas of intelligence. Riding through this countryside, I really wish I was well versed in geology, botany, archeology and anthropology; I think these would all help me have a deeper appreciation of all that I'm seeing and touching and experiencing.
At any rate, this country is interesting in how it is divided. Some have told me that, as the formation of all these borders out here was decided by Europeans, and not by the people themselves, it (much like Africa) has led to various tensions and conflict over the years. If you look on a map, Jordan is shaped kind of like an upside-down "L". As has been explained to me, the northern region is a bit less conservative (which is a TOTALLY relative term), as they are more influenced by Syria (hence, why I say it's a TOTALLY relative term) and Lebanon in their attitudes and cultural understandings. The southern region is considerably more conservative, as a good portion of their influence arises from Saudi Arabia (hence, again, why I say this is a RELATIVE term).
I am currently in the southern end of the country. A woman described to me that ever since she moved here from Amman, she has felt that she hasn't really been accepted here, that she feels pressure to wear the hijab, and that she doesn't really belong, in comparison to living in the north. I am really hoping that this desire for a sense of place and belonging might actually be met by the people that I am working with, as I am sure that they can provide an answer to that desire!!
This also, of course, reflects more of attitudes within urban centres. As you may well imagine, rural areas always lag behind urban areas in terms of progressive thought and attitudes. The other day, I was in a small village, only about 10km out of the capital city, and it was like night and day. You'd think 10km hardly makes a difference (heck, you'd still be within Toronto city limits), but it does. By that point, we already had a lack of vehicles, many more beasts of burden, many more full-body coverings, etc. It actually didn't even have its own mosque, since there was already uniformity in thought, so there was no need for a house of worship and teaching. So, I suspect, whether north or south, this distinction between more liberal and more conservative values in rural areas is a moot point.
Furthermore, one of the things that make me wish I was a man at times is the liberty with which they can move through the world. Walking through the streets here, it is rare that you will see women; as far as you can tell, you'd think it was a country full of men. You truly do feel like an anomaly, as for every woman you might see in the street, there are about 40 or 50 men to balance her out - literally. So I might walk for blocks and blocks and not have any face time with a woman at all. Which makes it a bit disconcerting to walk through the streets at times.

FFT

The idea that everybody else approaches the Bible with baggage and agendas and lenses and I don't is the ultimate in arrogance. To think that I can just read the Bible without reading any of my own culture or background or issues into it and come out with a "pure" or "exact" meaning is not only untrue, but it leads to a very destructive reading of the Bible that robs it of its life and energy.
- Ron Bell

Jordan III

There are a bunch of observations that I wanted to make, but I am not convinced that they would be coherent, one with the other, but we'll see how I make do:
I have never met so many Americans personally in my lifetime, I believe, as I have in the past few days. This is both SUPER, and not so great. I am greatly encouraged by seeing how plentiful they are, how willing they are to take part and doing what they are called to do. I totally love the hospitality and the size of the personalities of Americans - they are so big, their personalities come right over, invite you in, and give you a big hug hello! However (and this is TOTALLY NOT an observation based on people that I've met; rather, it's more from observing the dominant culture), I can begin to get a sense (right! How arrogant of me to say after one week that I can understand Middle East/Western tensions!) of why we in the West are so despised. Recognizing of how many economies out here are inextricably linked with that of the USA, how dependent they are on American investment, infrastructure, etc, how there is the love of the entrepreneurial spirit, but hate of the cultural values that come with that - I think there is a sense of, kind of like Gollum, a love-hate relationship that ultimately eats at and consumes the very one that wants what it cannot have... if that makes any sense... probably not...
I think this could lead into the very warped (not that we don't have our own neuroses in the West) views of sexuality and women, but that would get too complex, so instead I'll go onto another ethnic observation: For some reason, Chinese women are generally perceived here to be prostitutes. I suspect, sadly, that this is because many Chinese women are trafficked here for massage parlours and brothels. This has, of course, been a bit problematic for me. I have to articulate quite clearly that I am Canadian, I am NOT Chinese, I am of Korean heritage, I am NOT Chinese. It's helpful that I'm much taller and bigger than the average Asian female anyways, so I'm usually assumed to be Korean or Japanese anyways, which are ethnicities that are 'in the clear' (because both cultures are much less likely to traffic their own women).
I think that's all I'll write for now, as I have to go teach another English class (funny that! I had no idea what a gerund was until a few days ago!).

Jordan II

I know I don't usually write this frequently when I'm away, but I figure I've got wireless internet for now, and likely, as this trip progresses (and/or internet coverage gets a bit more spotty), then the updates will be less frequent.
One thing I did want to share was some of the aural experience here. Certainly, there is the five times daily call to prayer that rings out throughout the city - technically, I believe they try to situate the mosques such that there is a relatively uniform coverage, so that pretty much everyone can hear the call, if you're listening for it. It's actually not terribly intrusive, except for the morning call, which is at about 4am. Luckily, because of the jetlag, I'm only hearing it and rolling back over in bed, which is a blessing.
The other one was hearing the ice cream truck jingle rolling through our neighbourhood. I asked someone what that was, as I couldn't believe that an ice cream truck would be roaming around a residential neighbourhood at 8am... I've since learned it's actually the propane truck, driving around, full of propane tanks (now is that an accident waiting to happen, or what?) calling people to come out and buy their daily propane needs... since then, I've heard it in all sorts of neighbourhoods at people's houses... only instead of having children run out with their loonies and toonies in hand, you see housewives coming out to get their propane ration for the day... apparently, the guy sitting in the back of the flatbed truck used to just play percussion on all these tanks, but I guess the potential danger of that changed them over to the ice cream tune...
Today, I actually was at a half-day clinic for Iraqi refugees, but mainly worked as a pharmacist, dispensing and doing inventory on medication, as I truly lack language skills (unfortunately, it is incredibly hard to make a real impact without heart language), though I did see some patients, and actually dealt with some interesting pathology, nonetheless. Furthermore, I also taught an ESL class, which is really funny, seeing as I've never taught ESL before. Luckily, the class was much more shatreen (smart) than I, so it ran relatively smoothly, I hope... It was certainly interesting in getting the Jordanian perspective on international politics, that's for sure...

Jordan I

So I spent my first day exploring the city of Amman, and I must say, how come nobody has ever told me about kinafeh before? It is possibly the tastiest dessert I've had in a long time - think baklava, but hot and fresh, with cheese - yummers! I'm going to try to look for it when I return... we ate it hot, straight off the street, with mint tea...
Amman is actually the ancient site where the Ammonites once were - in fact, I saw where Uriah the Hittite was allegedly sent to his death when fighting on behalf of King David. It is a city initially set upon seven hills, though, with the increasing urban sprawl, is up to about 20 hills or so now. The eastern portion of the city is where the Old City is found (which, interestingly enough, I found the souks not nearly as labyrinthine and confusing as in Morocco), and the further east you go, you end up further in Palestinian refugee camp territory. The western portion (which is where I am currently staying) is where the city is sprawling out to, so there are many new townhouse and apartment developments, the rise of the shopping mall, Starbucks and McDonalds... which brings up the interesting point at how "civilization" tends to always head west and my theories as to why that is... but I digress...
That being said, there are many Roman, Ummayad and Byzantine examples of archeology all over the place... I knew I'd see some here, but it seems very interesting to see old Byzantine churches and Roman amphitheatres in the middle of town. Saw several large mosques, several Roman structures, and the biggest flagpole in the world (flying, of course, the Jordanian flag).
Managed also to ride several taxis and a bus (sitting with women, of course) and ate falafel in an alleyway at one of the oldest falafel huts in the city.
The most exciting thing about today, however, was worshipping with the national church. Yes, there were a few Western songs, but most of it was beautifully Arab in flavour. Even MORE exciting than that was actually witnessing the beginnings of a missional movement within the national church... this is terribly exciting! Even if it's only a few small seeds, this is an exciting and promising development!! It thrilled my heart just to see it in its very infancy!

London I

I know that technically, I'm not really 'here', as it was just a layover, but it was really odd: I got punched in the head twice while in the UK! I'm not entirely sure how, or why, but it is a bit perturbing when you get beaned twice in the same country... the first time, I was just sleeping in Heathrow, with my jacket covered my head, lying on some benches, and then something dropped on my head... by the time I got up, the perpetrator was gone! And then another man elbowed me in the head while he was trying to pick up his suitcase (just in terms of height, this doesn't make any sense, as my head was clearly much higher than his suitcase AND his elbow, so I TOTALLY don't understand how that happened... clearly, I am lacking in physics skills...)... maybe the British don't like me...
Irrespective, I've made it here safely, and haven't been able to make any observations yet, really, as it's 11pm here and quite dark... the adventures will soon begin...

Starring in Dialogue...

So, having been served my first official malpractice complaint, I am surprised at how zen-like I've taken it. I suppose one only has to be threatened enough times such that, when the real deal happens, it's almost anti-climactic. I suppose part of it is also is that I was half-expecting some other shoe to drop this week (though I certainly didn't expect a shoe this big), and I know that it is not flesh-and-blood that is responsible for this happening. I suppose part of it is also that I know that there is Greater, and that I am unshakeable in that belief.
At any rate, I know there is much going on 'behind the scenes' of the state of wakefulness that you and I live in. I know that everything will work out the way that it was intended to, so there is great comfort in that, and really, at this point, there's nothing I can really do about it this week, anyways...

The god of mammon

I am really really hating money right now. I hate how it tries to control you, I hate how it makes you fret and worry unnecessarily, I hate how it makes you believe it is indispensible and you can't live without it, I hate how it makes you believe that your worth is tied up in its existence.... actually, looking at that list, money is like a really awful boyfriend... Usually I have a fairly healthy relationship with money (I hope and pray), but I think when you realize you need gobs of it all at once, it's enough to give you a big headache...

FFT

We have sung our songs of vict'ry,
We have prayer to You for rain;
We have cried for Your compassion
To renew the land again.
Now we're standing in Your presence,
More hungry than before;
Now we're on Your steps of mercy,
And we're knocking at Your door.

How long before You drench the barren land?
How long before we see Your righteous hand?
How long before Your name is lifted high?
How long before the weeping turns to songs of joy?

Lord, we know Your heart is broken
By the evil that You see,
And You've stayed Your hand of judgement
For Your plan to set them free.
But the land is still in darkness,
And we've fled from what is right;
We have failed the silent children
Who will never see the light.

How long before You drench the barren land?
How long before we see Your righteous hand?
How long before Your name is lifted high?
How long before the weeping turns to songs of joy?

But I know a day is coming
When the deaf will hear His voice,
When the blind will see their Saviour,
And the lame will leap for joy.
When the widow finds a Husband
Who will always love His bride,
And the orphan finds a Father
Who will never leave her side.

How long before Your glory lights the skies?
How long before Your radiance lifts our eyes?
How long before Your fragrance fills the air?
How long before the earth resounds with songs of joy?

-Stuart Townsend

So, who's the minority, exactly?

One of the things I've been noticing, since I've been trying to ride The Better Way more often, are the advertisements. The last few times I've been riding, I've been walking up and down the subway car, counting the models in the advertisements. On my non-scientific survey, I have noted that >85% of all the human models depicted in TTC ads are white. Which, of course, means for the rest of us, we only make up <15% of the representation. This, I find particularly odd in a city that is >50% visible "minorities"...

HIS-tory lesson

I know I haven't written much lately, just quoting some super thoughts by others who think much better than I, but today was interesting. It was nice having my story, HIS-story, being narrated to me again. The reason why I can have hope. The reason why I can say with confidence that our God is a good God, as stunning as that statement has been to others lately. The reason that I think that a better world is possible, is necessary, is tangible and real. The reason why we can smell on the air, nay, (fore)taste on our tongues that there is kingdom lurking on the edges of our imaginations...

FFT

When greed and consumerism are exposed, when arrogance and irreverance are unplugged, when hurry and selfishness are named and repented of, when the sacred-secular rift in our thinking is healed, the world and all it contains (widows, orphans, trees, soil) are revalued and made sacred again.
- Brian McLaren

FFT

The whole point of Christianity is that it offers a story which is the story of the whole world. It is public truth.
- NT Wright

FFT

How often have we craved light on our life in the world, only to be summoned to ponder our destiny in eternity. How often have we been preoccupied with the church local, and instead found out vision turned to the Church triumphant and universal. And how often have we asked that worship bless our souls with peace, only to hear the lesson for the day calling us to a holy warfare. How often have we desired strength to overcome the world, only to learn that we are to be stoned and sawn asunder in the world. How often have we sought comfort to our sorrows, and instead found the sorrows of the world added to our own. Such reversals may be strange to men. But only such contradiction answers to realities both relevant and irrelevant that are at the heart of the Church's worship.
- Paul Waitman Hoon

FFT

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

-George Bernard Shaw

IKEA World

So, I was thinking about No Lifeguards on Duty's song "IKEA World" (which, incidentally, is on my iPod, if anyone's interested), and reading in the Toronto Star about how IKEA is sooooo passé for the queer community (which, of course, has nothing to do with me), and thinking about functional, fun, affordable furnishings for the home (which, of course, has much to do with me).... so I wandered in there after work today... I know, I know: some have said why I would even bother with any IKEA furniture in the first place - I should just go for the big bucks and buy furnishings that are more "appropriate" to my "lifestyle" (whatever that means).... that being said, I did spend a day trip when I was living in Sweden to go visit the original IKEA with another fellow Canadian...
However, there is something appealing in the 'fun factor' of the IKEA store; it's laid out like a Hansel and Gretel maze, and you amble along these meandering pathways amongst Hopsens, and Poangs, and Stufels, and are astounded by all the little details of items that are needed for the home... Ann... you know this means you!

FFT

OK: This was SOOOO cheese, it made me groan, but I figured, I definitely needed the groan, so I pass it onto you.... and, this is far better than spamming everybody....

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied...

'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'

. . .(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else!)
Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

The God of small graces...

So what was terribly encouraging today (actually, there were lots of small graces all day, which is kind of really nice when you notice most of them happening... D, S, A, S, R, and A, to name but a few of them) was seeing people of many tongues and nations giving thanks to God. We had some Mandarin, some Hakka, some Korean, some ASL, even some Swahili! It was gorgeous hearing all these tongues praying and praising! What I particularly found incredibly comforting was listening to the Korean adult choirs... the power in that singing.... it brings back comforting memories of childhood in church, listening to the adults singing with passion and power... makes me feel like I'm wrapped up in a warm, woolen, non-itchy sweater, even when they're singing Haydn cantatas like crazy...

Aretha Franklin needed!

One dilemma that I don't think I've had to work through before is: What do you do if, for various reasons, you've lost all respect for someone you once held in very high esteem? Not insofar as they've fallen off a pedestal; rather, very large paintcans full of flaws have covered the otherwise Pollock-style painting of their life... Of course, it's not an issue where there's hate or disgust, just an utter lack of respect... How does one deal with that in integrity? I realize, for the most part, I tend to think the best of most people, until they demonstrate otherwise, which, I suppose, sets me up for disappointment when they can't fulfill such imagined roles. I don't think that that is really the case this time: instead, I think it becomes very hard to look someone in the eye when you just can't bear to look... It makes me wonder how the congregants of Haggard managed to redeem and restore...

Men and Women

You know what I love? I love big, burly men who can still sit with you and sip tea while holding your hand and dispensing sage advice. Who aren't afraid to love you through pain, who aren't afraid to hold you and tell you convincingly that things will get better, and who are still very much their own men. They are a rare breed, but I have been overshowered with three in very short order: kudos to A, C and D for being such blessings...
You know what else I love? I love strong, empowered women who pray with such power and conviction that you can feel the Spirit working in your soul. I love the wisdom that they bring from experience, from sharing how the 'stones in your belly' can strengthen, not sink you. I love the nuturing vision that they bring.... the voices of the women speaking into my life today resonate with potential...
You know what else I love? I love our God, who is so good, all the time, all the time, even when it doesn't seem so, but I am convinced that this is so, as He cannot be anything other than what He is...

Fight for injustice! (but only if it helps me)

So, I figure, since I'm up again (despite going to bed after midnight last night), I might as well write something, even if it becomes a bit incoherent. I think there are many injustices and unfair situations in the world, but I find it interesting how the most pressing and the most important seem to occur when they happen to you, yourself. Certainly, I am finding myself at the short end of the stick, and disliking it very very much. However, what is even more maddening is how, for most injust and unfair situations, there is little recourse for rectifying situations. Sure, if it's technically a 'legal' matter, one does have the judiciary system in place to help with litigation and the like, but most other unfair situations do not have such avenues of restitution. Most, instead, often require the wisdom of Solomon, which also tends to be a bit scarce....

Insert maniacal laughter here, Part III....

I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I have a good reason this time 'round... it doesn't make it any easier... I suppose, since I'm going to end up being CCLOHP, it doesn't matter much...

Insert maniacal laughter here, Part II....

OK... three hours later.... I'm not sure how long I can take this...

Insert maniacal laughter here....

So, finally, after months and months and months of not sleeping, having nightmares and dreams which were completely uninterpretable, and going generally crazy from the lack of rest, I managed to get a good two weeks in there where I could actually sleep an almost-full night. Well, that's gone to hell in a handbasket... look at this! A random midnight posting, cackling like a banshee about how I can't sleep again...

FFT

I hear it in the hospitals, I hear it in ORs. I hear it in emergency departments, doctors' lounges, wards. Elevators make great enclosures for the phrase. I catch a faint echo when I approach any hospital, feel stronger vibrations beneath my feet when I walk through the main doors. I fear that my hospital, constructed in the late 1970s, has absorbed into its structure a new resonance beyond the wind-whipped lashings of its frame and the perpetual PA squawks of pages and alarm tests.
Stupid family doctor.
Dumb GP.
I never would have done that.
What was he thinking?
The drone amounts to a constant hum, a buzz that has become a consensus in our institution. Mistakes are viewed, from the omniscient vantage of elapsed time, as inevitable by beings who have practised their mantra well: stupid family doctor. Missed upswings in electrocardiograms, the lost dots on x-rays: in review, these are less errors and more the product of systemic "poor management" by stupid family doctors.
The catchphrase in ubiquitous, perhaps a greater addition to this hospital than any of the other renovations: more important than the cardiac catheterization laboratory, the palliative care wing, the air-transport/helipad system, medical informatics, geriatric restorative care and ascendant diagnostic imaging. A hundred beds could be added to our numbers, a thousand! The single greatest change in the firmament of modern Canadian medicine will remain the death of the generalist.
I hear the ritual sacrifices to the many specialist blood gods and it saddens me to understand that the policy of making-stupid has become assimilated by patients themselves. I acquiesce to requests for second opinions, listen to complaints about prior care, and hear dumdum undertones in consult letters when my own patients return and criticize my care according to what they've been told by people I've asked for help.
During residency I heard it in the OR. I heard it in elevators, in the emergency room, and on the wards. The difference now is that the sound penetrates my own walls, that I heard it in my own office. Before it applied to others. Now it applies to me. The growth of knowledge has led to the growth of privilege, the ease of retrospective criticism. Though I never knew the era, I believe that physicians were better served by the rotating internship, when the undifferentiated masses arrived on the newly-minted doctor's doorstep fresh and unmanaged, ready for a general working-through. That way, one understood the difficulties of primary care and not just the deficiencies.
Broadcast from the hospital barricades, the harmonic of GP illegitimacy makes me hate this myth, the myth of Doctor Stupid.

- Dr. Ursus

Blathering on the same theme

(I'm over the "tired of people" thing now). Sorry to harp on the same subject again, but culture and worldview are really profound tethers and blinders with which we see and understand the world. I find it interesting that what one finds sedate and respectable, another would find boring and a snore-fest. Conversely, what one finds funny is also horrifying or vulgar to another. And yet, we would find it easy to accuse the former of having no perspective, that they cannot really 'see' the truth about the situation, whereas the latter needs to adjust their frame of reference to be able to understand the situation 'normally'. Very odd.
It's odd in that it is very much like the old story of the blind men describing the elephant. Yet the situation, and the reality, remains the same, in all cases. One step further, and then one needs to consider the application to faith, really, as we are all blind men, sensing but a glimpse of the elephant, and can we really be able to say with full assurance that we understand it all?

Maybe I want to be a hermit instead...

That's it. I've had it with people. Maybe I do want to be in a box... I've had enough of them for today, that's for sure... maybe I'll change my mind about it tomorrow, but I think I've had a good run of extroversion for a while...

But I want to be Icarus...

I often wonder if our ability to expand our horizons out into the universe inevitably leads to us requiring to regress temporarily at times in order to regroup. What I mean to say is: Is it inevitable that you need to go through times where it's just hard to care anymore about the big wide world and all you can really do is cope with yourself and your little life and your little issues? It's incredibly frustrating to be squished into a little box and forced to cope in there, with folded wings and clipped feathers, when we are all meant to fly freely... it bothers me muchly when individuals want to be boxed in, to have their blinders on, to put their shoulder to the plow and naval-gaze at the furrows, all the while missing the grand vistas all around them, but when I start doing the same, I think I may go mad...

No/low detail orientation...

Now, I'm usually not a big meetings person; I find all that jargon about 'interfacing', 'networking', 'collaborating', etc etc etc very tiring. However, so far this past week, I've been to several different meetings that have been exciting, fresh and invigorating! My planning meeting for the child sexual trafficking conference that is running this weekend was encouraging. Then I had a food advocacy meeting, which always gets me very excited and happy about agriculture and food justice. Then tonight, I've just returned from an IFES appreciation meeting, where, basically, I got to eat dessert and hear about all the wonderful praise items that blossomed out of the various efforts of everyone who came out. Now -that's- the way meetings should be...
That being said, I have one more major one this week... something tells me it's not going to be quite as pretty or as beautiful as the other ones...

C'mon, 'fess up!

OK, I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm really curious as to -who- exactly is reading this on a regular basis... more specifically: Who the heck was reading my blog at 6am this morning for an hour? Show thyselves!!!

The timing's a little -off-

What I find incredible in our day and age, how difficult it is to do the most important things in life. Case in point: I'm trying to meet with someone to debrief about an event that happened two weeks ago, and after much discussion, we both realized we couldn't actually sit together in the same general vicinity for another two. I think that's silly - from what I learned at a faculty development workshop yesterday, feedback should be given in a timely fashion, not a ridiculous four weeks later... certainly, I'm at least half to blame for that pathetic development, as it does take two to tango...

Despite the fact that we're commanded not to...

This past week, I've realized that the best way to not stress out about something is to get stressed out about something else much more imminent and pending. It's very odd, but a big worry I'd been ruminating about for the past few weeks went straight out the window! with this newest one being dumped in my lap. This is actually a good thing, as the new one is actually concrete, real and happening, as opposed to just conjecture...

Picking at the fraying edges...

It's been an incredibly emotionally draining week just past, and it kind of bothers me as there are several "loose ends" or "unresolved conflicts" (actually, I prefer that, as that is exactly what they are) that have not yet been adequately dealt with. I know I'm not the type that needs to have things figured out and tied up before moving onto the next project (ie the STJ types), but it is a bit irritating, having loose bits hanging around all over the place...

A third of my Bible was written by terrorists and murderers

A big concern that I have been thinking about today is just how much does it take to love someone, let alone a whole planet of people? I think it is hard to even begin to imagine having a big enough heart to see that everybody, absolutely everyone, is not beyond redemption, is not beyond hope, is not beyond the beyond. Not just the people I like, or the people in my socio-economic-cultural-racial class, but everyone, from the very great to the very small.
This is a difficult teaching from Jesus, I must say. I think we Jesus-followers have been held back by our lack of love. I'm not sure how we can capture a bigger vision; shoot - I can hardly figure out how to better love the ones that are sitting around me. I sincerely apologize to those who read this, thinking that Christianity is a bunch of crap, 'cause sometimes, when I look at it, I think that too. I can understand why it would be seen that way - I'm still petty and shrill and ridiculous, and don't demonstrate well God's vision for how life was meant to be, and on my part, I apologize. I'm not quite sure how to get over that roadblock, but I do know God's vision is BIG! and His love is lavish. Trying to scope that down, and demonstrate that through me is a daunting task, for I am small, and my love is very limited...

Circumventing the issue....

Perhaps I think about culture too much, but I was discussing with a (non-Asian) friend today about cultural differences in navigating several different sensitive areas in interpersonal relationships. I think what struck me was, as I was describing a situation in dealing with someone 'indirectly', in an Asian sort of way, that it does and can actually work! This is surprising to me, as, banana that I am, I tend more towards the notion that 'direct' methods should work better in a North American context. This also surprised my friend, who thought it was interesting that dealing with the situation in that manner did, indeed, appear to be the more effective way in dealing with it. Amazing the things you learn by talking...

Holistic thoughts...

Sometimes I wonder whether I could diagnostically be labelled with 'tangential thinking'. It's actually quite a good thing that perhaps I don't lecture/teach/preach much, as I'm not entirely sure I would be able to transmit any concise information in an alloted amount of time. I ramble, I pontificate, I veer off on tangents, and forget what my main point was... circuitous thinking, perhaps? I think perhaps I would have made a great Oxford don, with a tweed cardigan and pipe, sitting in a wingback chair, puffing and pontificating away, while undergrads milling at my feet would nod off, wake up, and realize I still hadn't gone very far in my train of thought... or perhaps I would have been shut up in some grand insane asylum since I could never make very much sense...
This all comes up as a so-called friend accused me of 'thinking like a girl' (um, excuse me? How else would I think?), by which he actually meant (I think) that I couldn't think linearly, logically or rationally. This also comes up as someone asked me to talk about a topic that I think would take me several hours to be able to say anything of import or satisfaction to me, but of which I would only have about five or ten minutes to get a point across.
I'd like to imagine that instead of stating that I can't think linearly, it would be better to say that I can think in starbursts, in diffracting sunlight formations, in ripples of water, and in echoes...

A house is not a home...

One of the things that I have wrestled with is the notion of what authentic community actually looks like - I think the longer I think about it, the less sense it makes to me. And then, I get tired of thinking, and temporarily decide it's not even worth fighting for. In discussion with old friends from Germany, I briefly realized community could potentially exist, as tenuous as it may be, despite distance. Or perhaps, it was more that, despite the miles and miles, and the infrequent contact, sometimes one is graced with flickers of light. This is also combined with thought (of course) about the nature of culture and the role that it plays in the structure and form of community.
With all this thinking, and the tangents that flow from this, I tend to lapse into periods where I just can't be bothered... I suppose this is the dilemma between passion and apathy... or perhaps, more accurately, passion without wisdom can't sustain itself??? (darn those Afghanis!)

Fruitcake

I have a few random thoughts running around in my head, but I really do have to mention this one: I think guys, in general, should not describe themselves as fruit. Case in point: just over this weekend, a friend mentioned that he was like a peach - sweet on the inside, but bruises easily. That's just not right. Particularly in the context of explaining why he couldn't go all out in playing volleyball in that he was worried about bruising. Just not right... men just really shouldn't be using analogies that draw attention to their general fruitiness, especially if there is grave concern about their need to go intergalactically to find a girlfriend... :P

Wow, can I touch you?

So, Gina and I had our last concert (well, maybe in Toronto, at least) before she heads out into the big wide world... and it was totally exciting! I'd never thought that I'd ever get to perform in a venue that cool! We even had our own labelled dressing room with the mirrors and lights - it was totally Dreamgirls styling! And we got free beer (courtesy, of course, of one of the major sponsors)! It was a terribly fun evening... even with our fan-groupies, and a few autograph signings... big kudos to the big talent that makes it all possible... sigh, it will be terribly anti-climactic to sing with anybody else... it's a bitter-sweet-sweet feeling, to realize that we're getting old.... don't, don't, don't, don't you forget me...

It must be Wednesday....

It sometimes is very difficult to balance the worldviews of vastly different cultures on what "suffering" entails... sometimes, when someone tells me that they have had one bout of diarrhea, or a cold, and they are "suffering terribly, too much, too much, it's too hard to go to work", I want to grab them and shake them, and yell at them, "Well, at least you're not living in Darfur, so you can watch your wife being raped in front of you before being hacked to pieces and then having your children slowly die from typhoid or malaria plaguing the refugee camp you've run to, while frantically worrying about where their next meal will come from" or " At least you're not living in a North Korean concentration camp" or "At least you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back, and your family is alive and well, JERK!"
I sometimes feel like I live in culture shock everyday...

Footwear Fetish

I think I've been spoiled by Crocs and Birks, as I'm finding it increasingly difficult to tolerate 'normal' footwear, which is basically anything with a closed toe... of course, this may also be because I was convinced to walk downtown from home in a brand-new pair of shoes (OK, that part was my idea, which wasn't so smart). I mean, I've done it before, though not for a very long time, so I suppose it's really the shoes that did me in. Generally, I think it's a good idea not to go walking great distances without well-worn shoes. In the rain. Though, if I really had my choice, I suspect I would walk around barefoot, if it wasn't for all the dirt/garbage/doggy doo/etc that would cause problems, or if it wouldn't draw obvious comparisons to Britney Spears...

Mimicking MacKinnon

So, I would argue that the attempt to have a 100-mile dinner was quite well done, and was quite delicious and beautiful to look at! Nicely done with the locally made salad dressing (except for the peppercorns, of course)! And we ate aplenty! Certainly, it is much easier to be able to do this in August, when produce is at its peak, but we had a delightful afternoon... (I'm really sorry I forgot to bring my eggs along...)

Dreamland Lullabies

I was just asked the other day why it seemed that I slept all the time, which I thought was impertinent, really. Especially since I don't sleep all the time. However, I suppose if you add up a relatively recent chronicity of dreams and visions, four 24-hour shifts in one week, late night drives out to the 519 area code, open bars at weddings, and irritating roosters, I think one could be excused for being a bit fatigued in the day time, no?

Choose life! in order that you may live...

Do you suppose sometimes it's easier to live with apathy than with passion? I often wonder that, as it seems so often that we choose to live this way... I recognize living with passion every moment of every day gets pretty exhausting after a while, but it saddens me to think that we mainly choose to live in mediocre apathy most of the time... that we choose to stuff ourselves with banalities and celebrity (it's weird how I always catch up on my People reading and American Idol updates when I head outland) and ignore the greater issues at hand... especially when Jesus asks us to Think Bigger and Love Greater...

Harrowsmith observances

A few points from the countryside:
1. Went to the Keady Fair yesterday, which is a less insane, more authentic version of St Jacob's Market. I can't believe I get paid to eat kettle corn and assess livestock, ducks and various fruit preserves and beef jerky. By the way: I had forgotten just how yummy fresh kettle corn and fresh wild blueberries are.... mmmmmmm....
2. I can't emphasize this enough: When you are welding, WEAR A SAFETY MASK OR GOGGLES! I cannot emphasize this point enough. For some reason, I thought that would be a given - if you're working with potentially dangerous things, you'd take the proper safety precautions. Apparently, I am dead wrong. In four hours, I managed to see two guys with injuries to their faces and their eyes because they didn't protect them - AT ALL! Mutter, mutter: some of the dumbest and bone-headed things to do ever...

Finding Me-now...

When you think about which movie character or celebrity you might resemble most, who do you think of? It's been (re-)pointed out to me that I'm like Dory the fish. A fish. This is, of course, not the first time, nor even the second time, that the uncanny resemblance between myself and a blue fish has occurred. I would have to agree, however: in light of all the human, and humanoid, characters ever played on the silver screen, I think I am most like a very forgetful fish. I'm not convinced this is a sad or pathetic thing, but it is weird to be typecast...

Funny Face...

I notice that funny things tend to happen in threes...
Case in point: Yesterday, as I was coming downtown on the subway, it inexplicably stopped at Dufferin, with the doors open, green light on, with no explanation forthcoming as to why we were sitting there for five minutes. At about the five minute mark, the driver comes on the intercom saying, "Stay off the yellow stripe!", which didn't make a lot of sense, so everyone just looked at each other and shrugged, but OK.... two minutes later, she comes on again, this time saying, "Get back in the car, and let the police do their job!"... well, that did it - half of my car gets up and heads for the doors to see what's going on, which is totally understandable... I was sitting with some teens, and we were urging each other to go to the doors to find out what was going on, but as we were debating, the chimes came on, and the doors closed.... as we were on our way, the driver comes on again, and she says, "Ossington: You people are UNBELIEVABLE! Next station: OSSINGTON!!!" in the most annoyed manner... the entire car bursts out laughing!
Secondly, there was literally a fly in my soup at dinner, which was funny, as he was all semi-shriveled, though, I suspect, well-cooked, and landed me with a half-price dinner, which is always nice...
Thirdly, I think I saw the funniest movie that I've seen in a while, called Facing the Giants... I don't think they meant for me to find it funny, but I haven't giggled that hard at a movie for a while....

K005 or A007?

I think I've probably written about this before, but there is something inherently unsatisfying in 'slashing and burning' through a ton of work, just to get through to the other side. It almost seems like a survival tactic, just trying to get through, just trying to get to the end of another day, just trying to push on through to the other side.... there has to be a different way of doing this; there must be a different path...

The story-teller

I think there is great power in narrative. This must be because I am a product of a post-modern generation. As relativistic as narrative may be as a vehicle to transmit truth, I think there is something in all of our souls that resonates with a great story.
I love hearing good stories, and I think it was very encouraging me to hear of three good ones today, even though I had heard two of them previously. However, just as in childhood, there is great comfort in hearing good win and evil defeated in narrative, even if you hear them over and over again.
On the other hand, Jesus was into stories too, big time. He was a super story-teller as well, one of the best in history. Which adds another component - a guy named Glenn I met today fleshed out one of Jesus' best stories, and refreshed its beating heart for me. Journeying with him into the "far country" and back again was a great, though brief, adventure...

High School Confidential

Do you ever wonder if you're getting sucked into a high-school-esque scenario, complete with jocks, nerds and the cool crowd? I'm currently wondering that as well - it's kind of weird, kind of gives-me-the-heebee-jeebees kind of weird, kind of get-me-outta-here kind of weird... it's particularly weird, especially since I think I'm kind of like the goody-two-shoes-nerdy Sandy. And you know how that ends: she ends up compromising everything she used to be in order to vamp out and join the cool kids... now, to me, that's one of the most pathetic/tragic heroines in one of our modern myths... or, heaven forbid, if one should start off as Veronica, wanting to please the Heathers, and instead ends up going on a murderous rampage...

Goodbye, Ralph....

It struck me, watching a movie with a friend of mine the other evening, how odd the depiction is when women leave their husbands. For some reason, whenever in a movie a woman decides to leave, she never goes with anything more than a tiny little suitcase. You know the ones; those small little handbag-sized suitcases, big enough to hold two sweaters and a pair of shoes. She may also perhaps have her purse, and maybe a small dog, but that's it. Then, she usually has some parting words as she's heading out to the taxi, like, "Goodbye", or "I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving", or "I loved you once", or some such thing.
This strikes me as odd, as I was thinking, if I was going to leave, I believe I'd have a lot more than just two sweaters and a pair of shoes to take with me. Perhaps I'd need a U-Haul to take my stuff. Or perhaps I wouldn't need that much space at all - maybe my car trunk would do. However, this doesn't alter the fact that women have a lot of stuff - there's hardly enough room in those suitcases for adequate toothpaste/ shampoo/ toothbrush/ towel packing for just doing the basic hygiene things, once they get to their destinations in the taxicabs. So then I thought, perhaps in the movies, these women don't have to worry about those kinds of things. Or, perhaps the suitcases, in fact, don't hold two sweaters and a pair of shoes; maybe they just stuff them full of money, and then they leave.... I then also thought, "In the movies, do women who are planning on leaving their husbands specifically go out on a shopping excursion to find those kinds of suitcases?", for I imagined that it's not the usual household item to have; it's not a terribly useful sized suitcase for any other kind of travel, except for husband-leaving...
This of course, conversely, always strikes me in the movies that whenever this occurs, the husband usually stands there, relatively dumbstruck, and just watches her leave and get into the taxicab. How come they never say anything? I find movie archetypes very strange...

Practising what you preach (or, at least what is preached at you)...

I think sometimes, one of the most difficult things is applying something that you just learned. Sometimes, I find, there is, in fact, MORE opportunity to completely miss the point in some good teaching. What I mean to say is: Isn't it odd when you hear a particularly apt Word, and you think, gosh, that's good and important; I could see how that might apply to me, I should try to remember that for some vague time in the future, but not now, not for me in my current life, but then, WHAM! you find yourself tumbling into situations over and over again that challenge that notion, that forces you to actually take Word seriously, and wonder, wow, this is applicable now, and I totally cannot apply it with any real conviction, rightness or power... sigh...

As long as I don't have to play Pachebel's Canon...

So, after a very long hiatus, I picked up my viola to play again. And reminded myself quite quickly that I was never really the best player to begin with, and really, a viola needs a violin, or at least a cello, in order to 'fit' properly... I think it always was appropriate that I played viola - the supporting instrument, the undertone, the alto of the group - not the flashy violin, not the melodious cello, but really, backup and support...
However, now that it's re-emerged, I'm wondering how and where I could play it at my level, and strongly considering re-joining an orchestra again... hmmm, maybe that's just wishful thinking....

Needing a Daniel...

I remember a friend of mine once told me about a recurring dream that she had for many years that haunted her for nights on end. Eventually, when, after much prayer and thoughtful discussion, she realized what it signified and what it was meant for, the dream fled, and she has been free of it ever since.
Some have known of some sleep issues of late for me, but that's not the point. I've been having two recurring dreams of late, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what they're meant for. The one, which prompted this writing, afflicted me this morning, and now, of course, I can't remember what it was about. The other has had a theme of baptism, of children, and of persecution. Once I remember the other one, I'll list that one too, but it'd be awfully handy to know what this is all about.

I think I've written about this before...

Let's be clear now: I don't hate mass emails. I just fail to see the point in them, most of the time. Or, perhaps more accurately, I really dislike how they are used inefficiently and ineffectively. We used to be able to function without letting everybody know absolutely everything about every little detail about said function/cause/email subject.
I don't mind getting a mass email, as long as it contains information that does, in fact, pertain to me. However, what doesn't make sense to me is the "reply to all" function, when the "reply" does not pertain "to all". There is, after all, a simple "reply" button. Otherwise, the mailbox gets even more cluttered with information that looks like it pertains to me, but, in fact, does not.
Case in point: If you're emailed about a party, or some such thing, does everyone really need to know if one person is wondering if they could bring an extra friend, or what they were planning on bringing to eat, or what shoes they were planning on wearing, or that they are going to be one hour late? NO. Emphatically, no.
That's common sense email etiquette: don't clutter the email box. No spam, no chain-mail, no cute video or flash presentation that you had forwarded that you think everybody in your address book needs to see (not unless it directly pertains to them), no powerpoint presentation with some esoteric puppies. In light of how, increasingly, individuals are literally drowning in their emails (I think it's sad when friends have to stay home in the evening, just to clean out their email boxes), I think it's a simple public service to retain email for useful information transmittal.
This also, of course, speaks to my bias against email as the main communication method between individuals. I faaaaarrrrr prefer speaking to someone in person, rather than maintain some email conversation (Exceptions, of course, are those people who live long distances away). Of course, that's obvious: If I like you, I will talk to you. A lot. The end. The much more efficient and enjoyable way to go, frankly.

"Strategic philanthropy"

So, on the way home today, I was listening to this discussion about the notion of strategic philanthropy, where, essentially, a marketing guy was talking about how corporations aligning themselves with various charitable issues causes a 'win-win' situation for everyone involved (gag, gag, oops, sorry, hard to control the reflex to throw up), such as CIBC aligning themselves with the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, in order to help them sell as many useless pink appliances and housewares as possible, for what appears to be (for all intents and purposes) lots of marketing hype and money-making, but not much from the actual results point of view.
Several of the counterpoints, I thought, brought up some poignant issues, but were quickly glossed and brushed over. One brought up the issue that hawking product, absolutely unrelated to the charitable cause, was not, in fact, philanthropy at all (seriously; what does a KitchenAid mixer have to do with breast cancer? Furthermore, what does a pink hockeystick have to do with breast cancer?). It is simply 'doing good' to 'look good', and makes profit the ultimate motive.
Another brought up the point that, in corporations controlling who gets corporate exposure and support, individual citizens have very little to no idea who or what their money (funnelled through the corporation, of course) goes to, whether it's effective and whether real change occurs. If one buys a Red Motorola phone, or a Red American Express card, how does one really know that means some mother in Tanzania is going to get her anti-viral drugs? (Of course, one of the most famous blunders was by Radiohead in their pathetically crappy efforts to reduce their carbon footprint; they claimed that they had paid for groves and groves of mango trees to be planted in the vague area of "Africa" to carbon offset their last world tour, yet, when follow up was done by a journalist, very few to none of these trees had been planted, and of those that were indeed planted, most of them died and were not replaced. Radiohead then sent out a statement saying it wasn't their responsibility to ensure that their mango trees were planted, which then begs the question: Whose was it??).
Yet another brought up the point that "unsexy" charities (such as for homeless people vs. upper class overweight women with breast cancer, malaria vs. HIV and chronic care elderly/mentally challenged vs. those darn 'cute' children from Sick Kids') are forgotten and waylaid in order to make room for the trendier and sexier issues. This, of course, results in the weaker, the lowlier and the humbler issues, even though equally meritous, to be ignored and alienated further from the mainstream.
Bah. That really irked me today. It would be really pleasant for me if people would just think more about issues.

FFT

They call it a Home for the Aged, whenever
it's mentioned (and mentally file it away
under D.. for Decrepit. And Dreary. And Death.)
while they fight off their hidden reluctance to stay
for that duty-bound visit. "But really, it isn't
so bad, is it, dear?" with eyes tactful, averted
from half-emptied bedpan.
                                                   "Young Lisa has plans
to be married this spring..." (and the subject is skirted
of why Auntie Mae must be strapped to her chair,
for she wanders, you see. Can't be helped. Very sad.)

and they chatter, too quickly, avoiding those pauses
- so awkward - and leave, feeling inwardly glad.

And Grace, in Room 10, whispers low to her husband
some secret - laughs softly, caressing his face
with her words. Now he answer her; smiling, she nods -
she's along... for besides her lies nothing but space,
He's been dead 7 years, you see. She hasn't heard.
Or, at least, not a part of her anyone sees.
Bernadette, in the next bed, turns slightly away
and tried vainly to sleep, block it out... ill at ease,
for she knows. She can't walk now, or see that well
- slightly incontinent, too - but her mind is quite clear,
and for Grace she feels pity - or anger.
                        Or nothing.
               She wishes, at times, she could no longer hear.

In the hallway sits Jim, in his chair, grinning happily
(foolishly, some say). He raises an arm,
hand outstretched, tried to touch you - you shrink back with fear
that is nameless, instinctive - he meant you no harm.
The fingers have withered to claws, yellowed bones
and blue veins showing through the translucent, frail skin
               (is it for reassurance you glance at your own
youthful flesh?). You recover, returning his grin,
greet him gently, then leave him - untouched - as he was.

              You find yourself walking more quickly, because
              of that growing uneasiness buried within.
If only those buzzers would stop - and that smell
(undefined, only found in one ward) and the light
that keeps flashing above that man's room.
                                                                    But you know,
deep inside, that it's none of those things that you fight
every time you walk in here. It's something abstract,
yet more real.

                        Can it be that they all were once young?
- or did nature create separate species? That woman,
right there - she has eyes like your own...
                                                                   ...but you've flung
the thought from you, its message too strange. With a glance
at your watch, you move into the stairwell, then past
the reception desk into the bustling street,
thinking how you must hurry.
                                                                         The time goes so fast...

- Beverly Wilson

Food, glorious food

What an awfully nice event... I did, in fact, manage to get to Il Fornello recently. Certainly, I didn't explain why, but here's the reasoning. In the effort to promote sustainability in our food chains, and support our rapidly diminishing agricultural sector, this restaurant has started a menu that is made EXCLUSIVELY out of Ontario produce - how exciting! This would probably compose the most exciting thing that I could think of that one could do for food.
At any rate, it was a fabulous dinner. Started with a chilled sweet potato soup, garnished with goat's cheese, had a rib eye steak (gasp! My first taste of cow in about 2 years! We even have photographic evidence of me ingesting cow! It was terribly anti-climactic - I had even forgotten what beef had tasted like, and I really can't understand what the big hoopla over beef is... though ordered and eaten, as it was from a farm that I know and trust, so now I'm good for another, oh, 5-10 years now...) with spring aspgaragus, finished off with a gorgeous strawberry shortcake (all the more sweet in knowing that the aspgaragus and strawberry seasons are within their very last gasps)!
Ironically, as much as I would've liked to have paired this meal with a nice Baco Noir or Cabernet, they didn't actually have Niagara wines available for purchase by the glass, which I found odd.
Highly recommended, if only to demonstrate that care for sustainability in our food chains is important to you...

Lawyers and high-hats

There's something magical about watching men in top hats and tails tap-dancing. Maybe I'm just a throwback to the Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire days, but there's just a je ne sais quoi to watching that kind of stage magic. It's the kind of hand-to-the-forehead, swooning, fan-yourself amazement that strikes you when you watch someone able to stylishly pull off a whole routine of the tappa-tappa-tappa in a tuxedo and still be smiling and singing till the end.... George and Ira Gershwin's My One and Only was a fantabulous show for those reasons... but then, I love that kind of stuff, so if you don't, then likely heading all the way over there likely isn't worth your time...
Also, if you're going to go eat, I think it's always wise to go with a lawyer. I'm just saying...

FFT

This shift has very deep consequences, for if youth no longer aspires to become adult and take the place of the fathers, and if the main motivation is conformity to the peer group, we might witness the death of a future-orientated culture or - to use a theological term - the end of an eschatology. Then we longer witness any desire to leave the safe place and to travel to the father's house which has so many rooms, any hope to reach the promised land or to see Him who is waiting for his prodigal son, any ambition to sit at the right or the left side of the heavenly throne. Then staying home, keeping in line and being in with your little group - becomes important. But that also is an absolute vote for the status quo.

- Henri Nouwen

Hollywood twaddle

Now, it's well known that I am totally not big on celebrity and blockbusters and the like, but, due my love and profound respect for some friends, I went to go see that Silver Surfer movie yesterday. Let's be clear: It's because I love my friends that I went - sometimes one will sacrifice much for love.
I am generally completely baffled by the entertainment industry: is it really that entertaining to have illogical, poorly conceived plotlines acted out by characters that have the depth of a microchip? As I was saying to someone yesterday, entertainment (and it's precursor, art) should be responsible. Art was (and is) always conceived to be the plumb line for the depths of the human condition, to encourage its nobleness, to exhilarate with its beauty, to lay bare the soul. This (sorry! but it's true) crap that gets churned out to be fed to the masses like some over-processed corn feed at the trough is not art, does not ennoble, does not elevate, does not make us better people. Brainless twaddle, it is.
I think someone much wiser than I put it better: "Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
Sigh. Paul has such a way with words. Now that's art...

Tales from the ER

You know, it's been a long time since I've had to do any weird and wacky foreign body removals... the last notable one was probably two years ago when a certain young man told me the stereotypical story of vaccumming naked in his living room...however, I just removed a 3cm rock from the nose of a two year old... I don't think he was terribly happy with me, but the adults, myself included, were astounded by the size of the rock he managed to shove up there... who knew that there was such room in the nose of a child? who knew that the imagination of a child would be such that they would patiently push a rock THAT BIG into such a small nostril? Fortunately, he won't remember a thing, and, if I'm unlucky, I may see him later today with a Tonka truck or something up there... At least I got my first laugh of the day early...

Watoto

Who would've figured that I'd have caught a Ugandan children's choir in the middle of Bruce County? Funny that, when you see broad smiles and gorgeous faces, and you realize that they've lost mothers and fathers to civil war and to AIDS, and it just becomes heart-breakingly beautiful...

Around the World in 80 days....

My sister is currently on a motorcycle tour of Vietnam, and boy, am I jealous! I do realize, of course, that likely between the two of us, we will probably manage to get to all the countries of the world, but I am still very down on the fact that I'm not riding through the paddy fields of southeast Asia...

Happy eating

OK, you know where I want to eat next? Il Fornello. Consider yourself warned...

FFT

We are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside... but one we must come to see that the whole Jericho road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that a system that produces beggars needs to be repaved. We are called to be the Good Samaritan, but after you lift so many people out of the ditch you start to ask, maybe the whole road to Jericho needs to be repaved.
- The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King

Hawaii-Five-O

When my parents visited Hawaii, they returned with, unfortunately, some of the most ghastly Hawaiian shirts this side of the Pacific... which, I had thought (or maybe vainly hoped) would be a souvenir, a memento of some sort. Not so! When my father appeared wearing a turquoise (turquoise!) shirt with magenta (magenta!) orchids, blooming with bright yellow stamens like there's no tomorrow, with (non-)matching blue track pants, announcing he was going to go for a walk, I was completely flabbergasted. Had my father lost colour vision? Perhaps the macular degeneration had just been tipped over the edge? Maybe he had had a small stroke that prevented him from seeing himself? It was a horrifying, stereotypical Asian-father-mowing-the-lawn vision.
At any rate, I didn't stop him, despite the fact that my jaw was dragging along the floor of the kitchen... this does, however, perhaps explain my utter lack of fashion sense as well...

Obviously, I need a little help...

I did a quiz recently to figure out which theologian my views most closely align to: Apparently, I scored most in line with a guy named Anselm, Karl Barth and Martin Luther.... I'd never even heard of Anselm before, and, to be completely honest, I don't really know what the distinct theological viewpoints of the others are (though I am sure that I agree with most of Luther's points, except for the anti-semitism)... weird...

Out of curiosity...

I know I've mentioned this before in the context of North Bay, but I am noting that I am getting regular readers out there from places and times that I didn't think were possible... Some of you, I know for sure, are regular avid readers, which is great, but I haven't been able to pinpoint who the other ones are... are you able to come out of the woodwork, just so I know who you are? If you'd like to remain anonymous, that's cool, it's just that I'm curious...

Locked in the space-time continuum

I must say, one expression that I have using a lot of late has been: "three-dimensional space and linear time", which, of course, is the nature of the constraints in which we live and breathe. Which, of course, has great impact on how we understand time and space (duh). In discussions about heaven and hell, judgement and mercy, love and relationship and mountain-moving change, it is sometimes hard to wrap one's mind around the idea that we have a really hard time thinking outside of that box. Praise God that we don't have to, and He DOES. Which makes the whole idea of life very reassuring.

FFT

The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament.
-Soren Kierkegaard

FFT

This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire.... Christianity has nothing to say to the person who is completely happy with the way things are. Its message is for those who hunger and thirst- for those who desire life as it was meant to be. Why does Jesus appeal to desire? Because it is essential to his goal: bringing us life.... When it comes to the moral question, it is not simply whether we say yes or no to desire, but always what we do with desire. Christianity recognizes that we have desire gone mad within us. But it does not seek to rectify the problem by killing desire; rather, it seeks the healing of desire, just as it seeks the healing of every other part of our human being.
- John Eldredge

More baby-catching

So far on this shift (which, admittedly, is over in about four hours), I've had a 75% C-section rate, which is wayyyy beyond the national average... sigh... why can't women just have normal births anymore? Oh wait, I know the answer to that one...

Fallen comrades

Tragically, one cardiac surgeon, one pediatric cardiothoracic fellow, as well as four others on the organ transplant team from the University of Michigan, have had their plane crash en route to retrieve organs for a patient. Even though I am totally not smart or brilliant enough to have anything to do with organ transplantation, it still is poignant when one of your own dies 'in the line of fire', doing what we usually do.

Food for ingestion and digestion

I was talking with a friend the other day who, surprisingly to me, told me she was reading The Omnivore's Dilemma. That made me sooo happy! Now, I had read that book a few months ago, but I must say: it's brilliant. I believe I told my friend that it seemed to encapsulate most everything that I felt about food, to be honest. So, this is a plug for a brilliant book - go and read it! And, if you don't want to buy it or steal it, then ask real nicely, and I'll lend it to you! This would be particularly helpful if you've been scratching your head trying to figure out what the heck I'm usually ranting about on the issues of food and agriculture...

Iiiii wanna beeee..... (with apologies to Delirious?)

I am very puzzled by the notion that a Jesus-person would not want to be an eternity-maker... it doesn't seem to make sense to me, that they could somehow exist as two separate entities one from the other... hearing that assertion that sometimes, maybe we wouldn't want to participating in making this creation a better place, in helping bring about justice for widows and orphans, in bringing a voice to the voiceless, that we would want to be normal, and safe, and fade into the background... that just seems odd and out of place, and frankly, inconsistent, to me...

Shamanism

I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but it continually ?shocks? humbles? astounds? me how physicians almost seem to be the modern medicine men, the shaman, the grand priest, straddling the divide between life and death... It perpetually surprises me to no end when patients just want the assurance that they are normal, even though they felt fine, and they think that they are probably OK, but still needing the reassurance that yes, they are right. It's odd in that it seems that individual autonomy in actually understanding and feeling one's own rhythms aren't sufficient; one needs an outside source to confirm or deny one's own instinct. Very odd... like being able to get into that confession booth, and being 'free' to walk out the other side... like having chicken bones and tea shaken around in a bowl, and having an incantation being said, in order to be liberated... like having a liturgy or prayer said over you, and the blessing of life is now yours for the taking...

Glory

Boy, so many things and blessings have occurred this weekend, it would be hard to articulate what was all jumbled up in that, however: I think I am feeling more strongly that labels such as conservative/ evangelical/ liberal/ fundamentalist/ radical/ heretical/ left/ right is not how I'd like to be labelled. I would like to be humble enough to free others from those labels as well. I think I just want to follow Jesus. I think I would just like to be known as a Jesus-follower, a foot-washer. That's all. I know I don't do it well most of the time, and I mainly mess it up most of the time, but I think that if the only label I ever get is that of Jesus-freak, that would be enough for me.

Feeling somewhat wretched...

I know I'm wayyyy past the point of being able to party all night, so I'm not entirely sure how I managed to find myself at the Horseshoe at 1am on a weeknight, yelling at people over a few pints and several decibels of funk-rock.... and then dragging myself to work the next day... oh wait, I know... you know who you are, you musicians.... all I need is a few musicians to tell me something will be cool, and I'm there, even if I feel like passing out...

Granola or goofball?

I am well aware of the fact that sandals and socks are a big fashion faux-pas, but I still like doing it with my Birks. I think (or at least, I fancy to imagine) that it lends a wholesome air... certainly, I don't think I'd do that with Tevas or with flip-flops, but I think Birks fall into a different category. I only note this as one of my friends belongs to a group that celebrates the socks and sandals phenomenon, so I feel like perhaps there are enough of us in solidarity for things to be alright...
I am so sorry that I have been much less than profound as of late; I think I have been a bit too busy to be pondering much. That being said, I have been lately thinking about how the ends causes the means, as least in terms of pre- and post-millenialism, which I admit I only understand on the most peripheral of terms, but is still fascinating to think about...

Domesticity... not... more like pre-plane panic...

I must admit, it takes quite a lot to motivate myself to actually do non-food-related household chores... cook? Sure, no problem. Do the dishes? Absolutely! Almost anything else in the house, well, uh... man.... can we hire someone to do this??? I feel like I've accomplished much today, as I've swept up the front walk, dealt with the garden, did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and, most impressive of all, I finally cleaned out my car! That had come to a head when I realized I couldn't really drive two other passengers in my car due to all the junk in it... so, I finally hauled out all the paperwork, journals and magazines that had accumulated in my makeshift bookshelf and dealt with it. I can actually (almost) seat five now, which is impressive... all that, while entertaining and playing with my nephew, who is, of course, the cutest thing to walk the planet... you'd think that was a totally goal-orientated day, wouldn't you? Too bad I'm not really that goal-orientated...

Lullabies

I just came back from a really great obstetrical conference, and it was so super in talking with others who are interested in the same things that I am. I really love delivering babies; it is totally the best thing! However, I must say that, on occasion, we (and by that, I mean the system) are very medicalized about childbirth. It doesn't help that many, many patients are totally on that train, and WON'T let us get off of it. But it bothers me that many 'midwifey' techniques that I've used in the past have not been of much use since I've returned to the GTA, where we epiduralize and medicate everybody, because patients expect and want us to...

Hooray for the CBC... and not just for hockey!

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I think I nurse a small addiction to CBC Radio One... maybe it's Matt Galloway's reassuring voice in the afternoons, or Ideas in the evenings, or Barbara Budd's mildly annoying voice, or just Andy Barrie chatting away (sometimes way out of his league) in the mornings, but it's a bit strange at how attached I've gotten to the public broadcasting voice of Canada... I like Rita Celli, even though I'm not sure what the point of her show is, I miss Global Village, have yet to catch Dispatches, laugh like crazy when I catch the Debaters (yay Shaun Majumder!)... sigh... it's good stuff.... I think I am particularly struck, as I was just listening to a Mr. Lawrence Wright give a Munk lecture on the current clash of civilizations, and how we ended up at this point after 9/11, on my way home this evening, and it was articulate, heady stuff....

Hint, hint, nudge, nudge...

What's really brilliant is creating a wish list of books I'd like to eventually own on Indigo's site... it does help keep track of library building...
Furthermore, I came across this website, which, I think because of the ascerbic humour, makes me laugh: www.hellokittyhell.com....

Free the Koreans!

Sigh.... I'm not going to turn all victimized and everything, but it makes me wonder about the plight of the Korean-American.... now a judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaners for $65 million (!!!!!) for losing a pair of his pants, even after the elderly couple offered $12,000 (!!!!) in compensation (despite the fact the pants were only worth $500). Thankfully, some of the lawyers involved think that the judge should pay them for all the legal bills and mental anguish... I should hope so... ridiculousness in oppressing my people...

FFT

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, 10

Geographically seeking...

I am totally wondering: Who is regularly reading me from North Bay/Sudbury? I'm greatly flattered, but who are you? Let me know! It's weirding me out!

Incompetent ninnies (mutter, mutter....)

You know, sometimes I think I fundamentally believe incompentency is the biggest vice you could possibly have. Unfortunately, my sister has been the victim of identity theft, all the more improbable as she hasn't lived in the country for several years. I suppose if the corporations had bothered to actually talk to a real person, or done some more work, they would have noticed the fact that she doesn't live in Canada. It's been mind-bogglingly ridiculous talking to various service representatives and other people who just talk at you, don't know how to solve the problem, and don't know who is actually responsible for anything. They, of course, in turn, are not responsible for anything either, and wash their hands of all potential problems.
Perhaps it's because it's in the nature of my job to actually take responsibility, to actually know what's going on, to not be an incompetent loser, to see people that I work for as (oh my gosh, wait for it!) people, to not lose people through the cracks, that completely doesn't allow me to see how other industries can allow that to happen to individuals. Maybe I'm just upset, because that pisses me off that someone would mess with my sister.

SLKT IV

Talking to some Briercrest grads about the nature of worship, some of which was cool, though not very 'new' ideas, such as the notion of worship being beyond music, beyond services, beyond how we feel or what we do, but actually holistic and integral to life. However, another interesting point was that about the aesthetics of worship: Is it important? To whom (or Whom)? What are the driving forces for aesthetics in worship?

SLKT III

Slipping on the skin of a different culture is incredibly difficult; likely one of the most challenging things one can do, as it is impossible, as a snake can, to shed our skins for another.
One story to illustrate the point: Woman falls down, thinks she broke her arm. Ponders about it for several days, despite the nurse begging her to come and get it looked at and cared for. Decides not to come for care. Decides, instead, to SNORT, not eat, 40 Tylenol #1s. Realizes that this doesn't work too well, and finally shows up five days later, wondering how the arm can be fixed....
Several things that I can't wrap my mind around, among many: a) when one is in pain, doesn't one get bothered by this? b) when one is in pain, doesn't one usually seek comfort or care from other human beings? c) when one is offered care and comfort by another human, especially if they have experience in a similar-type pain, doesn't one usually defer to that knowledge? d) doesn't anybody take medication the way the doctor prescribes it anymore? Where on earth does the idea of snorting prescription medication come from? (I know, I know; ppl have been doing that to Oxy for years now) e) when one breaks a limb, isn't it usually intuitive to get that fixed pronto?
It just makes me shake my head, as it completely defies me as to understand this scenario...

North American ethnocentrism

To harp some more about the role of Asians in North Americans in society: I am surprised at myself, and society in general, at how shocking it is that some yellow dude went and shot a whole bunch of people; mainly because it's not -culturally- expected. Generally, we're a pretty invisible lot; we serve as the 'model minority': we work hard, keep our heads low and disappear, pretty much.
The other, more shocking, though not surprising, thing, is how self-absorbed and ethnocentric we are as North Americans. Vigils, candlelight services, television memorials, large murals for people to write their feelings on, loads of flowers and teddy bears - all for 32 unfortunate people who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, outpouring of collective grief in mourning is important for healing, but what of the hundreds of children who die because of AIDS? The millions who live in slavery? The thousands who die of preventable causes; famine, unclean water, natural disasters, poverty? What of the 23 Christian Iraqis who were selectively shot, after being pulled from a bus, yesterday in Bagdhad? What of the renewed fighting in Mogadishu, causing hundreds to flee the city into who knows what kind of refugee limbo and leaving over 100 dead? What of Hussein Celil, sentenced to life in a Chinese prison? Why do we not mourn these, also dearly loved, also dearly missed? Why do we wallow in our own self-absorption, thinking that the most terrible things happen to -us-, when, in fact, they don't, and, even more arrogantly, expect the world to mourn deeply with us?

SLKT II

Sometimes I think the number one reason why I come up here is the yogurt. Seriously. I haven't been able to find it anywhere else but here, but it is WICKED! Went to the supermarket yesterday and bought two huge tubs, which will easily be eaten well before the end of next week...

SLKT I

You know what I love about small town airports? I love how there is absolutely no security check; no x-rays, no taking off of shoes, no walking through metal detectors, no nothing.... just check in and fly.... admittedly, you're flying in tiny little 10 person planes, so it's awfully low cost-benefit ratio if you're trying to terrorize a plane, but it's still nice to just check in and go on your way...

Bad things come in 3's (with regrets to Anne)

1. My accountant dropped the bomb as to how much tax I had to pay this year, which was mind-numbing, and higher than last year... booooo! I suppose I could console myself that I'm helping subsidize several obese, smoking, diabetic men get their bypass surgeries or knee replacements, or the governor general's trip to some far off place, but it doesn't help much... not much at all....
2. A KOREAN guy was responsible for the shooting spree in Virginia.... oh, for crying out loud: how embarassing!!!!
3. Actually, life isn't really that bad.... we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do...

Bwa ha haaaaa, the POWER (insert lightning bolt here)!!!!

So, I am apparently cross-appointed to two universities now; isn't that crazy? Who would've figured that any university at all would've wanted me in the first place? Though, really, there's no power, clout, nothing... I don't even have a little paper card proving this fact... sigh.... still have to argue with nurses that yes, indeed, I am not a medical student...

The REAL UFC

While on the topic of international conflict, one of my friends pointed out, when he was a child, his playmates determined that grown-ups should deal with international conflict the same way they would in the schoolyard: the leader of country A should challenge the leader of country B to a fight. Clean fighting, no below-the-belt, boxing ring-type matches. That way, if presidents and kings wanted to fight with one another, they could do so directly, and not send their minions in to do the job for them.
Now THAT would be something that I'd want to watch: Can you imagine pudgy Kim Jong-Il taking on George Bush? I think Bush could take him, even though he's the older man. Or Ahmadinejad taking on Tony Blair? Blair could TOTALLY take him. It would change the nature of our conflicts, for sure: no president wants to look foolish alone, so conflict would cease, if we did it the good old way, and had the leaders deal directly with the leaders, mano a mano....