Hmmm, group therapy....

It's probably just b/c of the hour, or maybe I just miss y'all, but I think I just needed to share this story with you.
I just admitted a lady who is, of course, in her 80s (cause who else would you admit?). Looks obviously copus mentus, well-groomed, non-neglected. Comes in cause she's confused, forgetful. Totally not like her, as she's not demented.
Neighbour called 911 for her.
Short story to the point: She had a massive R-sided cranial bleed. More blood than brain.
Can you imagine? The lady cannot remember what has happened to her for the past few days, cannot remember where she is, how she got there, or the fact that she saw the ER doc before me who also explained to her what happened to her today.
Can't remember what medications she's taking, can't remember if she has family in the Ottawa area, can't remember anything. It's like her life was wiped out, and all she's left with is her name, cause that's basically all she can remember. Yes, and she's got hemi-neglect, and motor and sensory changes too, and massive visual field losses too. But it's the whole memory thing that bothers me this evening. The whole idea that she won't ever be going home, and that she won't even remember that she once lived there. The fact that we'll probably place her in some nursing home, and she will need to be re-reminded every day as to where she is and why she's there and re-live the horror every day. The fact that in this nursing home, she won't even have the pleasure and the pain of reliving and ruminating through her memories, cause they won't even be there to comfort her.
I think this is the closest that I've felt to feeling bad and wanting to cry on behalf of a patient since residency's begun. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing that it took this long to feel that way for a patient. I think THAT'S the main reason why I'm writing this tonight, that I haven't felt that way for a long time, and I'm wondering why THIS patient on THIS night particularly is getting to me. I'm wondering what happened such that it's not that hard NOT to be affected by people's plights anymore (groan! Another COPDers, another UA, another UGIB, another MI, another anxious patient.... and on and on and on....). Do you guys notice that change too? Do you remember me talking about that in first year? Tim, I know for sure I talked to you about that at length.... about needing to become 'harder' for the sake of our own personal psyches. And I know that I have become much 'harder' in many ways. But maybe it's just that I wasn't that struck hard by just how 'hard' I've become...
Anyways, I'm sorry about rambling. I'm going to try to go to bed before the ER tries to page me again. Sorry about the verbal vomit too...