FFT

Glass

A visit by the Pope to families in two small shacks of wood and corrugated iron occupied by 10 and 14 people respectively in a squalid, muddy back alley without sewage was cancelled at the last minute for unexplained security reasons.                         UPI/Reuter

That world will come like a thief
and steal all we possess
Poor and naked, we will be transparent as glass
that both cuts and reflects.                               Karol Wojtyla

Nothing else was cancelled

The glittering ceremony
in the Presidential palace
The carefully orchestrated
motorcade across the city

Nothing else was cancelled

The solemn meeting
with the august Cardinal
The Mass for massess
in the majestic cathedral

Nothing else was cancelled

For neither chandelier
nor stained glass
nor pointed mitre
nor rear-view mirror
can cut and reflect
cut and reflect like
the naked and the poor

And their squalid
back alley shacks
their open latrines
their armies of flies
bugs and cockroaches
the sharply pointed
ribs of their children
will ever pose the greater
threat to the security
of thieves who have stolen
their birthright and
rooted themselves in power

The poor have nothing
to lose but their poverty.


-Cecil Rajendra, Songs for the Unsung

Vows, deeply knotted and embedded tightly

I suspect it's probably a bit normal to get a bit of the jitters before the big day, wondering if it's the right decision, and whether you have the constitution to persevere and work and love, even when it's really hard and you don't feel like it, for multiple decades. And this is even if, deep in your heart of hearts, you already know it to be true. And this is even when you know that the big day is just the beginning of a long and adventurous journey, that it hardly registers as a blip on the rollicking, rolling waves of life.
I suppose also that God is kind of funny in how He'll give you a smack upside the head every once in a while to remind you of things that you know to be fundamentally true, but just so that He brings it right back up to the surface again, to remind you. And not too hard, just barely enough for you to handle, but definitely obvious enough that it is hard to miss.
Kind of like this trip to the ICU. I'm thankful that it was a medical smack upside the head; I could speak their language, and gauge better the severity of the calamity, and weigh it more rationally than if it was, say, a hostage-taking scenario (Christ have mercy upon us). I am thankful that it happened here and not there. I am thankful that there was no need for intubation and ventilation; I'm not sure how I could have handled intubation. I am thankful that mostly peripheral lines were sufficient for what needed to be done, and I could not perceive the central line. I am thankful for being able to interpret, and have interpreters walking alongside me, as to what was happening. I am thankful for the homecoming and the slow recuperation.
What it did, though, was bring into stark relief some of the cliches that we speak of: the reality of 'in sickness and in health', the ephemeral nature of life itself, that love can conquer all, even beyond the grave. Some of this helped alleviate my fears, though not totally. But it helped confirm for me, yes, I can. Yes, I will. Yes, I do.

FFT - love songs II

Forever

Forever is a holy word
I've stolen from God's vocabulary
that I dare to utter when speaking of my love for you.

From the ten thousand names of God
with lips trembling in fear,
I have chosen Forever
to sing of my love for you.

Idolatry - to make human love divine
and put it on par with God
no, not idolatry, but identity
for love and God are one
when love longs to be Forever.

O You who never created love,
but are Love and Love-Forever,
gift me with your sacred heart
to love You and my beloved,
Forever, Forever.

-Psalms for Zero Gravity

FFT - love songs I

This is just a series of poems that a friend of mine had shared with me, many years ago. They're so beautiful, but, wanting to save a bit of space, I'm going to post them here:

Love Sonnet II

Love, what a long way to arrive at a kiss,
What loneliness-in-motion, toward your company!
Rolling with the rain we follow the tracks alone.
In Taltal there is neither daybreak nor spring.

But you and I, love, we are together
From our clothes down to our roots:
Together in the autumn, in water, in hips, until
We can be alone together - only you, only me.

To think of the effort, that the current carried
So many stones, the delta of Boroa water;
To think that you and I, divided by trains and nations,

We had only to love one another:
With all the confusions, the men and the women,
The earth that makes carnations rise, and makes them bloom!

- Pablo Neruda

Goodness gracious!

I am terribly bad at keeping up with this blog. I think I've mentioned this before, with the rise of Facebook, that it makes it a bit harder to write something slightly more substantial than a status update. In many ways, it's easier to just post a sentence of what one is thinking about and getting immediate feedback, rather than this format, where it goes off into the ether, and I have no idea where it goes, or who sees.
At any rate, nothing really much to say since. So that is my non-status update :) .

The Dark Knight critiqued

So I know I'm not the most avid pop-culture consumer, but went with some friends to go watch the newest Batman flick. Now, I have no idea what has been happening prior to this one; I haven't seen a Batman movie back since Michael Keaton was the Batman (yes, I know some people will think that is lame, but that's just the way it is).
However, the film disturbed me in the way it critiqued worldview. We all know Batman is this brooding, independent, reluctant to cooperate with government and authority structures, ridiculously wealthy gazillionaire because of his vast holdings. In short, a libertarian, capitalistic, wealthy hero. He wins, in part because of his wealth, but also because of his subversion and general avoidance of working with authority and rules. Hm.
The villain in this movie decides what should function instead is a more horizontally economic system, with democracy handed back to the 'people'. Admittedly, he is a bit psycho with the nuclear bomb, and you do have to wonder how he manages to eat in order to keep his strength up, but his concept is to raze the power structures entirely, allowing a horizontal governance system, where the rich are no longer allowed to oppress the poor and marginalized.
And this is one of the great clashes in this story: The Occupy Movement, characterized as chaotic and terrible, vs. the Dark Knight, with hints of aristocracy in knighthood, coming to re-establish the status quo of the power structures already in place.
It's interesting in looking at the movie from that angle; clearly Hollywood would be one of the first to be demolished if the ideas of the Occupy movement could take hold - the power structures and clear class discrepancy is rampant. No wonder why they would demonize the idea of the marginalized taking back power and taking back wealth.

Switzerland Part II Episode V

Man, today did it. Quantitative scientific research, purely for the sake of its own existence, was utterly denigrated for me. I used to believe that good, solid research could inform policy, make positive changes for people, and could be used for good. Now, I realize, though it may tangentially serve those purposes, it's really to provide means for researchers to continue to fund themselves and their livelihoods.
Case in point: Here's a common sense notion - poverty profoundly affects many lifestyle outcomes. It affects smoking rates, it affects employment prospects in that people are corralled into jobs that are more hazardous, it affects housing quality and materials, as well as geographical location (such as closer to highways, industrial zones, petrochemical plants, etc).
So, I attended a talk today re: respiratory outcomes in children and environmental factors that impact lung function. Though the speaker was very nice, he's interested in doing a massive study to try to measure environmental factors that may impact pediatric lung development. When I asked explicitly about the socio-economic factors and poverty that would inevitably impact disproportionately on those who are lower-income as well as from lower-income countries, they had not really taken that into consideration. When asking about how this, then, could impact policy in countries where issues such as housing quality and placement, etc. could be affected if such factors were not taken into account, there was no answer. The 'scientific' approach was to determine and quantify the environmental factors (specifically pollutants, not environmental factors such as class or income) could affect pediatric lung development.
However, without disaggregating the data, and how it would disproportionately impact the poor, perhaps no significant findings will be found. Perhaps in aggregating the data, less aggressive targets and measures to decrease air pollutants would be made.
Sigh. What is the point of research if it is simply a fatuous exercise?

Switzerland Part II Episode IV

I think, as this is a European country, and I'm essentially here to work, I haven't had much in the way of 'cultural observation'. Sincerely, as Geneva is such a multinational town, it is hard to even say that it is particularly "Swiss" in any way.
This past week, I've mainly been at the UN HQ, as the 65th World Health Assembly has been taking place. It's quite an impressive thing, if you think about it: the world's Ministers of Health coming together to make momentous policy decisions for the health of all peoples. I'm quite convicted that the ideal intents of the UN are good, seeking the good and the goodwill of all of humanity to work together to help all people live lives of dignity.
In practice, however, is a different beast entirely. Political interests and intrigue, blocking policies because of special (corporate or national) interests, the clear power differential between the rich nations and the poorer nations (and how they throw their weight around! It's shameful how arrogant we are in treating lower income nations!!); all of it, though I recognized that it happens, to watch it happen in real time before my eyes and to hear it through my ears is appalling.
And meanwhile, people continue to die needlessly, and to lack access to clean water and medicines that will keep them and their children well, and to live in fear and horror that their governments are targeting them.... all the while, with their governments smiling here and saying nice things about the things that they are accomplishing, and thanking other governments for their efforts in helping them, even when they aren't, or even when that "help" has multiple layers of strings attached...
Some of the individual people here that I've met have been lovely and want what is best for all people, irrespective of geography, class or minority status. But the countries they represent (including my own!!!) still carry on, oppressing their own people, and when they have the leverage, other countries' people as well...

FFT

To designate a hell is not, of course, to tell us anything about how to extract people from that hell, how to moderate hell's flames. Still, it seems a good in itself to acknowledge, to have enlarged, one's sense of how much suffering caused by human wickedness there is in the world we share with others. SOmeone who is perennially surprised that depravity exists, who continues to feel disillusioned (even incredulous) when confronted with evidence of what humans are capable of inflicting in the way of gruesome, hands-on cruelties upon other humans, has not reached moral or psychological adulthood. No one after a certain age has the right to this kind of innocence, of superficiality, to this degree of ignorance, or amnesia.
- Susan Sontag

I would also add: This does not, either, give us the right to turn away and ignore that depravity, to say that it is not ours, it does not affect our little cocoons. No one after a certain age has the right to that kind of apathy, that kind of deliberate turning aside on the road to Jericho, or that kind of selfishness.

Switzerland Part II Episode III

Mainly, I've been thinking more about the right to health, particularly in the context of all that the World Health Organization aims and aspires to do and be, but also because of this course for school that I'm thinking about at the same time. One of the really great things about having a course luxuriously and languidly stretching out before you, and having oodles of spare time because you're not at your usual pace of living, means that you get to ruminate quite a lot on a topic, rather than just hurrying to finish the bare requirements.
At any rate, so I've been thinking about the interconnectedness between human rights, health and shalom. I think rights, particularly as they are understood by Westerners, and particularly those who are more conservative politically, become anathema. I think the perception might be that it is too strident, that it is too selfish or greedy, or some such thing. Women can't ask for rights, don't they have it good enough? My goodness, the homosexual community wants to be treated the same; why are they so bothered about how society is currently treating them? That kind of thing.
However, I suspect that most of the resistance usually comes from within those who hold power. I feel it myself, sometimes too, when I feel like I would have to sacrifice or give something up of myself in order to increase equity for others, that I may feel don't "deserve" it, or didn't work as hard as I did, or some such other nonsense. I don't like ceding power either. I think also, we may not reflect hard enough on just how much power we hold, because of our privilege and coincidence (I guess some people would say 'providence', but sometimes I have a hard time with that - does God not love and provide for everyone? The implication that God is looking particularly out for me and others "like" me suggests a small whiff of prosperity gospel, I think).
Ruminating just on how much power and privilege I hold, and yet also despairing at how hard it is to disperse it, to share it, to bring about shalom, is a hard place to be.
What does this have to do with Switzerland? Well, I think, some of this was also triggered by a brilliant talk on history. History has contributed fundamentally to how this world is functioning today and how the decisions we think we are making that make sense, are not; they are simply decisions that fall in line with other deliberate, selfish choices in the past. Selfish choices that the Western world chose to follow fifty, sixty years ago....

Swtizerland Part II Episode II

Though I've had a massive monkey on my back that just-won't-get-off over the past few weeks, it's been fascinating being here at the UN. Oh, for sure, the amount of sheer bureaucracy is enough to make one weep. However, the ideas that are enshrined by its very existence are hopeful, and heaven knows, humanity can use some hope. The idea that perhaps we actually can find a forum to cooperate, despite our differences, in order to make things better for all of humanity is beautiful, though practically hard to do.
Discourses on the right to health have also been encouraging, though I know it is very difficult for Westerners to understand, agree with, and particularly, to endorse. Getting my mind blown at the occasional talk I make it out to is also really great.
The work itself? Kind of slow and tedious, but at least I can see the purpose and usefulness of it. Besides, what else are interns for, but to do the slow and tedious work? I'm OK with that. Besides, the tedium helps while away the hours before I can return home. Home being where the heart rests, after all.

Switzerland Part II Episode I

So, here I am again in the land of yodeling, chocolate and incredibly accurate timepieces. This is a long haul one this time, spending three months working/volunteering at the WHO. It's kind of cool, but also kind of a bit of an interruption in my life. I suspect, if they'd caught me ten years ago, my adventurousness and relish for novelty would be more helpful than now. Now is different circumstances: family, career and responsibilities actually make this a bit of a necessary hassle.
That being said, being able to room with my sister again is a good thing. As well, having her as a cultural ambassador, and a person that knows how things work here is incredibly helpful; it makes the cultural transition slightly easier.
It's been exceedingly chilly and rainy, and is forecasted to continue this way for at least the next two weeks. This is changing my idea of how to commute to work, which would either be a very long walk or a long bike ride. Instead, at least for now, I'm going to do the (much more expensive) option of taking (dry) public transit. Having had the weekend to dealt with almost perpetually wet socks, this will be helpful.
Nothing of note yet, though we did go for fondue at what the New York Times had noted as the "best" place to have fondue in the world - strong words! Yet tasty, tasty cheese did we have. We've also been driven into France (which is actually right on the border of town) to have lovely croissants and seafood to eat. This kind of eating, though incredibly delicious, does not bode well for how this summer's goals will end up being...

The wait...

I think I used to be interesting, once upon a time. Perhaps being old has something to do with it. Or school. Or waiting.
I'm not sure what it is, like the baited breath, waiting for... what? Exactly what drives me now? I worry sometimes, with all going well (well, at least with me, not with the world), with little to rile up feelings of indignation or antagonism (except for, perhaps, the Mayor, but he's still pretty small-fries in comparison with defending the Bride), that perhaps that I'm not interesting anymore.
Particularly during this Holy Week, on pondering on the great suffering, the great love, the great sacrifice that occurred, leaves one considering how hugely dramatic events that unfolded this week drove incredible transformation in the universe.
And so, I sit, pondering how to make a difference, yet again. I wonder if now my dreams and ambitions are too small, too cloistered for what God could truly do with open hands and a willing heart. And then I wonder if it's inevitable; that eventually our dreams must become too small, and that God can indeed use our small loaves and fishes, but we must be willing to want them to be used to feed the five thousand. And perhaps I no longer want to feed the five thousand anymore.
Perhaps, in losing (or conceding) the battle, it has made me lose the war. I know not. I think I've journeyed from wandering away from the battle, and wandered into the desert to seek my burning bush. And I never found it. I found great priceless treasure and great immeasurable joy in the meanwhile, but I did not find that burning bush, that holy ground that shakes and makes me fall prostrate to the ground in awe and fear, that Voice that tells me to go and set His people free, to go and tell His people His message, to go and call His people back to Himself. Is that terrible? I don't know if joy is an adequate substitute, in and of itself.
I wonder also if it is a false choice, that I am indeed allowed to have both joy and fire at the same time. But, in some ways, I cannot see how that can be so: the cool comfort that joy provides inevitably chills the blazing heat of the fire in my bones.
And so, I wait. Wait for Him to show Himself, whether in the earthquake, or the storm, or in the quietness of night. And I hope that I am able to hear.

I'll be missing you... hopefully...

It's funny, in this day and age, how it is hard, in some ways, to miss people. To be sure, it is also very easy to think one has a relationship with people because of technology: I read their facebook status, I "like" a few things they post, and that is construed as maintaining a relationship. This is, of course, not true; relationships do need face time when possible and nurturing to work. However, for those who are far and away, technology has been a godsend in keeping relationships intact, though it may not be under the most ideal situations. I am so very thankful of being able to regularly chat in real-time with friends as far flung as China and the UK, when a generation or two ago this would have been unthinkable.
I've got another 106 days to go of a total of 108. The last two days have been fine, in that Skype chat and video-chat work well, and time zones are congruent. It's going to be hard to say when the time zones start shifting like crazy, on both our parts, and lacking the lazy time to sit around at the computer, rather than running around, looking at things, writing reports, etc. It's been hard to miss someone that you're talking to for a few hours everyday.
I think it will come, however, and I don't look forward to it. The ache that sits like a nugget in your soul, the dissatisfaction of looking at photos and blurry video images, the long anticipation before reunion again - not fun.
Well, here's to another 106 days....

seriously, I'm not dead

However, it has been ages since I've updated, and now, since it's early Sunday morning, I don't exactly have a lot of time to muse before jetting off to church.
In brief, though, this week has been bittersweet. I forget what that older movie is called, I think Four Weddings and a Funeral... well, it's been kind of close to that. The juxtaposition of death and new life all intermingling and clashing together sometimes gets a bit joltingly weird...

FFT

2008 Copenhagen Consensus - the 30 solutions to global challenges that have the highest cost-benefit ratios, in descending order, from the viewpoints of economists:
1. Micronutrient supplements for children
2. The Doha development agenda (I personally am not so sure that this is particularly useful, but that's just my own political viewpoint)
3. Micronutrient fortification
4. Expanded immunization coverage for children
5. Biofortification
6. Deworming and other nutrition programs at school
7. Lowering the price of schooling
8. Increase and improve girls' schooling
9. Community-based nutrition promotion
10. Provide support for women's reproductive role
11. Heart attack acute management
12. Malaria prevention and treatment
13. Tuberculosis case finding and treatment
14. R&D in low-carbon energy technologies
15. Bio-sand filters for household water treatment
16. Rural water supply
17. Conditional cash transfers
18. Peace-keeping in post-conflict situations
19. HIV combination prevention
20. Total sanitation campaign
21. Improving surgical capacity at district hospital level
22. Microfinance
23. Improved stove intervention
24. Large, multipurpose dam in Africa
25. Inspection and maintenance of diesel vehicles
26. Low sulfur diesel for urban road vehicles
27. Diesel vehicle particulate control technology
28. Tobacco tax
29. R&D and mitigation
30. Mitigation only

FFT

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.


- C.S. Lewis