What is becoming increasingly commonplace for me is listening to old friends who have chosen, for various reasons, to walk away from the faith. Not necessarily to embrace another one, but just walking away from this one.
One of my friends told me the other day that for them, their faith was like a Jenga tower, and as they grew older, supporting blocks in the tower were taken gradually away, until, inevitably, the whole tower fell over. Yet they were incredulous that people like myself, have belief that seems to defy gravity. It suspends there, a Jenga block all by itself, hanging in mid-air, even when all the other structures around it have been knocked off.
I can sympathize; I know there are many paradoxes, many inconsistencies, many hypocrisies, many institutional roadblocks that don't make sense. They make you shake your head, wonder "What?", break your heart, make you angry. I also understand that there are many veils that conceal truth, deliberate and otherwise. I further understand it is hard for us to really see Truth; we understand it dimly, as through an old mirror. I also know that there are many cultural, historical and traditional roadblocks that have greatly mutated and changed the faith over the years; some for the better, many for the worse. I can see all this and understand why this isn't sufficient for some to keep faith, to hold onto hope.
So why do I, and many others, still defy gravity? How is it possible, without a leg to stand on, that I still have hope? I have no idea. I suppose part of it has to do with grace, but even that explanation I find tenuous; does that mean others have experienced less, or deserve less, somehow? That, I can't believe. However, I think there is much I don't understand, much I don't know. I don't know how this all ends up in the wash, as much as I'd like to be Queen of the Universe and bring all benevolence and justice to the earth. I suppose it's also a bit of a "crutch" statement in saying that I'm glad that I'm ultimately not in charge, but that Someone Else is. Is that good enough?
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I'm not sure if it can be that concrete; if one is that sure and certain, is it really faith after all? Perhaps I just have a dogged determination that what I've been told is True, and I cling to that hope, and that is all, at the end of the day, I can really do...
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I appreciate this Julia. It is impossible to reflect all that God is when God is only ever communicated from one person to another as an expression of an experience. We are left with impressions (written and verbal, old and new) and interpretations. These can be helpful but they can also be roadblocks. Sometimes "losing" faith may simply be admitting that one is losing faith in someone else's version/expression of God. This may even be a necessary step for some to move towards connecting with and understanding their own personal relationship to God.
Who can deny the depths of love and truth that must exist. When I wade in, even a little bit - I really sense the depths are beyond my ability to fathom or experience. I experience this in friendship - crazy discussions over Korean food with patient friends listening, in relationships with people, in the opportunity to give and receive, etc. Deep and wide for sure! I'm just not so sure that old expressions, insisted on by the maintenance of some old hymns, and doctrines can benefit us today - especially when they are viewed exclusively - when the experience of others is used as a definition of God instead of a analogy of God.
Doggedly believing in God as good and deeper than I can ever know. Determined not to be held by the guilt and tribalism of some of my past church experiences.
Thankful for thoughtful comments and listening ears from good friends like yourself. (I didn't see any cheese).
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